I am a child abuse survivor. Just mention it been there and done that. Statistically, it is said that I would also be an abusive mother but I never was that to them. Even tho when I became first became pregnant I said to myself I finally will have someone to love and that will love me back and I promised to myself that I was not going to be that mother I had for myself. My daughter was going to have a good mother. I am a good mother. I work hard for her only thing is that I couldn't be lovable towards her. I never showed her love and affection like a real mother should have. I never beat her or abused her in any way. I disciplined her n taught her morals and respect but never love. It breaks my heart that to this day I can not just hug her and tell her I love you. I wish we had help.
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2 Responses Sep 22, 2012

Sending you a warm hug. You are a strong woman and a survivor of some horrific stuff by the sounds of it. I can relate to the inability to be affectionate towards your children. I have a 2 yr old son and I love him dearly. I decided long ago that my method of discipline wasn't going to involve beatings and being locked in dark rooms. There would be no violence. I feel confident that I will be able to follow through. And yet, although I would give my life for him quite easily, I have had to make myself tell him I love him and hug him regularly. I have not been able to do that comfortably with anyone before. Not my husband, not brother or sister. And it is still difficult. I feel like I'm being fake when I hold my son and tell him I love him, but I know the words are true.

Make a start. It's never too late. Your children will only be thankful that you're being affectionate. If they're old enough to understand, explain to them why you haven't been able to do it before now. If you don't know why, tell them you don't know why. Putting your trust in them is the first step. Trust them to care for you just as much as you care for them.

I know it's difficult. It's a physical inability to open your arms and give a hug. I get a dull physical pain. But when their arms wrap around you, that's when magic happens. We've been trained not to expect people to love us, so when they do it confuses us. We need to learn to turn that confusion into happiness. A lot of us don't know how to accept love because we're so used to only accepting pain.

All the best with your kids. It's up to us to make sure they know we care. We should know that better just because of the experiences we've had. Hugs!

You're very welcome. Here if you need to chat. I am currently trying to deal with my own abusive past and it's tough work. I am writing a blog, just to keep everything in one place. I haven't made it public but the point of coming onto this forum was to share my experience with others who've been through similar stuff. If you'd like to read it, please do. The link is

If it helps, I'll be happy it was put to some use.

Take care!

that's the link, sorry. ignore the earlier one.

Recognition of the problem is a big step. Do you know why you cannot be demonstrative toward your daughter? Could it be the abuse you suffered from the people who also showed you love? Do you think you were given mixed signals as a child? Come to think of it, my mother was a lot like that. I'm pretty sure she loved me but she was so controlling that it was hard to tell. Talking with some of the mothers and victims of child abuse here at EP may be a big help for you. I certainly wish you well.