I Don't Know What To Do Anymore

Back when I was about 8 years old, my mother (who left my father when I was only two) began dating without me knowing. By age 9, I finally met the man who stole my mother's heart, and by the age of 10, I began to see the what lied behind that innocent smile.

I never liked the man; he would boss me around, and treat me badly when my mother wasn't around (I think he was the one who suggested that they get married without my presence). And when I thought it couldn't get worse, it unfortunately did. One night, when my mother was working overtime, my stepfather came inside my room and started poking me. Half asleep, I ignored it, and tried to fall back asleep. However, the contact did not stop there. Once he made sure I was asleep, his hands found their way inside my shirt and to my private areas. After that, he did the same thing with my lower region. It felt like an eternity before he pulled his hands out and exited my room. My 10 year old self was petrified. Not only have I never experienced that kind of physical contact, but my outlook on men in general was completely shattered that night. My self-esteem deteriorated, my relationship with my mother worsened, and I developed a facade to hide my trauma.

Years have passed, and here I am, 16 years old, living with my aunt and uncle in a completely different state. I took the courage to tell my closest teacher, who in turn, contacted an ACS representative. My mom was definitely not pleased with this. Instead of showing compassion, she radiated with anger. She screamed at me until she lost her voice; she blamed me for everything that was bound to happen (divorce, losing a house, losing her job, etc.). I merely sat there and cried my eyes out. She was taking his side. I really was to blame. She told me that she believed me, but she couldn't leave him (for whatever ******* reason). Since I refused to live in that house, I asked that I be moved in with my aunt and uncle, who don't know anything about the situation.

I thought my pain would stop there, but it didn't. I am haunted with nightmares every night. I can't help but know that I was to blame for my mother's broken relationship with my step dad. There is no one in this world I can trust if I can't trust my own mother. I don't know what to do anymore. I lost all feeling in the world. Sure, I show up to school and excel in my education, but every day, in the back of my mind, the same words echo in my head "it's your fault". I can't keep up with my facade any longer; it's too hard. Smiling is becoming a hassle. Is this depression? Is there something wrong with me? I just... I'm sorry everyone. This is a really long story. I just had to get it out there. No one knows about this. Not even my best friend.

iamthedarklord iamthedarklord
18-21
Nov 27, 2012