I Was Abandoned...

First of all, I just wanted to say that I was not physically abused (I think). When I was 15, I moved to the U.S. with my little sister to live with my estranged father as my mother could not afford to raise my sister and I anymore. I knew she wanted us to have a better education and better life here in the U.S. ....well the second part did not happen.

At first, my dad was really kind and attentive to my sister and I. His wife at the time did not like us that much but at least she did not say it to our faces. However, after about a year, my dad and his wife started fighting a lot. After their nasty divorce, things went down south. My dad's personality turned up side down. He was not aggressive, but it was like he lose the ability to trust people, even to his own children.

He would leave home for months and left my sister and I fend for ourselves. He left us his personally check to pay house bills for him, but we weren't allowed to use it for anything else. He would leave us $100 and be gone for 3 months. If I forgot to pay a bill or didn't pay correctly, when he came back, he would say something really hurtful like "you shouldn't be born," "you ruined you mom's and my life," "you are not good enough to do anything." And these were just the nicest things he would say to me. I started cutting myself. Part of me wanted to know if I was hurt physically, may be the inside wouldn't hurt so much.

I felt abandoned, worthless, and unloved. It was really difficult that the one person you could depend on wanted nothing to do with you. I didn't have money for lunch. I had to tell my friend I was on a diet even though I weighed 90 lb. I would go to the library. Reading helped me coped with the hungriness. Sometimes I ate my friends' leftover or saved up coins I found on the floor to pay for my sister's lunch. Funny thing was my dad was not poor. We lived in a 5 bedroom house in a gated neighborhood. When I said my dad would leave for months, he went oversea to travel places. He bought a house in another country as a vacation home, while my sister and I had to starve.

I want you to know more about me. My sister and I were a straight A student. I never partied, did drug, or drank. I would go from school straight home. All I could think about that time was "if I'm a good girl, my dad would love me again." That didn't happen. Thing got worse. He started to bring women home to spend the night. One day, there was a reception for outstanding students who were in the top 5% of their class. I sat on the pavement of the street in front of my house with my pretty dress on, my dad was still in his bedroom with a woman. My friend's parents had to pick me up to the reception. While everybody else had their parents sat next to them, the seat next to me was empty.

Things that I still haunted me until now was that my dad knew I was cutting myself. He did nothing about it for awhile. Then one day he sat down and talked to me. He said, "if you are going to kill yourself, go do it far away from the house because I don't want to clean it up." That was it for me. I stopped hurting myself because I realized this man did not want to be my father, why would I trying to be his daughter?

I got into one of the best University in the U.S. and now about to graduate with a master's degree. I got a good job lines up. Things are going really good for me. But for the past month, the past started to haunt me again. I have been really depressed and disconnected. It is funny that the more I achieved, the more I want my dad's acceptance. I have not talked or seen him in six months. He has no idea what I studied or am studying. He never paid a cent toward my education. I worked 3 jobs in undergrad to pay for college. My sister had a different life than me. After we left my dad's house to go to college, my sister chose a different path. She parties, drinks, and smokes weed regularly. She barely graduated from college. She dates so many guys briefly because she doesn't believe in love. She was out of control. I had to send her back to my mom because things got really bad with her. I guess this is my way of venting. I have never told anyone before about what happened to my teenage year because I didn't have one. I started working at 16 and I worked my butt off in school so I could get the scholarship.

My story might not have been as severe as many of you guys. However, I want to tell you guys that, no matter who did what to you, the only person that could hurt you the most is yourself. You can change things. You can create the opportunity for yourself. Never give up. Never.
iampim iampim
1 Response Nov 29, 2012

Your dad doesn't deserve you as a daughter.

Thank you for your kind words. I took me a long time to reach out.