How It All Got Started

I have both good and bad memories about my abuses as a child. The good I will call confused because I desired them.

I had 2 families from the beginning. I lived with my father and brother and there was my mother's family. Both families were abusive and given the time there was no one to talk with who could stop my abuses.

My father gained custody because my mother slept around and my father had pictures. They divorced when I was 3 in 1961. My father worked all the time so there were relatives sometimes and a nanny that watched us. Daily with no exception my father was told our behavior was not good and We, mostly me since I was older, got beaten until our ***** were bright red. I could not ever sleep on my back or side nor could I stand more than a sheet over me because of the pain of just a touch. I remember when he was really upset he would throw me across the room so hard that I left a print in the wall I hit.

My mother's family was the sexual family. Time is something I can't get exactly straight but I am sure my mother had oral sex with me in diapers because I fell when she left me for a moment to see my father wasn't coming. Later I know I was 3 when she left me with her uncle whom I found out later had raped my mother when she was young. I remember being lead into the bedroom and him taking off my clothes and dropping his pants. He sat on the bed with his hard **** sticking at my face and he said suck it.... I did and that wasn't so bad to me so I did it for a while as he pumped my head up and down on his shaft holding the back of my head. After a few moments he got up. Placed a pillow on the bed doubled up and laid me face down over it so my *** was straight up. He climbed on and rubbed it in the crack of my ***. It was slippery so he must have used some oil but I felt a hard push right in my hole and it slid in. I cried but he told me to shut up and ****** me until he came. He said he would kill me, my mother and grandmother if I said anything. I was later found behind a door in the kitchen and had no voice.

I don't remember this happening again as he lived out of state and harly visited. I do think though my mother should have known better than to leave me with him. I think sometimes people like my mother look for abuse as she found it with my father in the form of beatings and she remarried after the 3rd kid ( I was the only one that was my father's, He got fixed after me so he knew my brother and the sister they gave away were not his. The sister was part oriental so my bro and I would notice so they got rid of her.) My mother remarried and had a daughter. Her husband was a vet and later a cop. I was often left with him and he would strap me down to a bed and hold me so I couldn't breath. I would wake with his **** in my ***. I was 8. Other tortures were placing me in a box for hours where I couldn't move and then taking me out for a good **** before mother came home.

Those were the things beyond my control but some were confusing as well as exciting. For instance oral sex didn't hurt and licking my *** didn't either. I started looking for those kind of things when I was 5. My brother was 3 and we bathed together. I touched him sometimes and got him to touch me and then I ask If I could suck him. He said ok and I said be quiet but it tickled and he laughed. I stopped and begged him to be quiet so we wouldn't get caught.  Nothing happened between us for another year.

It was almost like a dream sometimes that I couldn't tell if things really happened or not. I ask my brother if I sucked his **** one day and he said yes. There was a silence. We were in the bathroom so I ask if he liked it. He said yes. I said why did he laugh and he told me it tickled which is the first time I realized he wasn't laughing at me but because of the tickle. I said if I tried not to tickle could I suck it again. He said yes so I bent down and opened my mouth right in front of him and he move forward so it went in. I sucked several minutes and we were silent. It didn't occur to me he might pee but he did which surprised me but I drank it and that was the beginning of a brother's affair. At least once a day I would suck him and drink his pee. Later I started licking his *** but he never ****. He did start doing it before I licked him and would sit on me and have be tongue bathe his ***.

He ask me to **** him when I was 10. He was then 8 so I think he was also being ****** by our stepfather. I agreed as I had matured to have a long **** and he loved getting it quietly at night... 

As I said... Confusing at least. Some of my abuse was easily seen by me as abuse but other things were not. My brother and I stopped having sex in our teens as he got really interested in girls. I did too but just to look normal. I found another few guys in my teens who I had sex with and life went on. I would say the confusing abuse was I have never had a healthy relationship with anyone. I have always wanted something dirty or degrading out of it....
jls2nd jls2nd
51-55, M
1 Response Dec 2, 2012

I think you just did what you where taught and I do not see anything dirty you just did what was done to you and you always asked before you did anyone else. So the way I see it is not dirty and was not abusive as what happened to you first. I am sorry for your bad childhood. I know what a bad childhood is like in high school auotmechanics class my step brother handed me a pair of uninslated jumper cables he had hooked up to a car battery and hit the ignition switch and shocked me. I have had epielipsy since birth so he could have put me in a seizure but luckly he did not.