I Cant Find My Strength Anymore

Id like to start of by saying how incredible it is to read so many inspirational stories and to not feel so alone.

Im a woman of 21 (I say woman but im not quite there yet) im currently in the middle of the courtcase that i feel is going to make or break me. My father having sexually abused myself and my two sisters and physically abusing every memeber of my family for as long as i can ever remember.

Some people might admire the fact im prosecuting this man so young but it wasnt my own choice. If i had my way, i would have pushed it away until the day i died. Believe me, i wanted to do something about it when i was much younger, but having not being believed by mother at 15 and being forced to carry on living under the same roof as the man who stole my childhood until i moved out at 17, i lost my hope.

I spent my childhood being abused, sexually, physically and mentally under the impression that i was saving my sisters, i found out at 19 however this had not been the case. Any sexual abuse is horrific, but im thankfull my sisters were never raped, i guess thats one thing i saved them from.

I know im not going in any particular order and im sure none of this makes any sense, my mother eventually kicked my father out when my older sister told my mum she had been abused in the year of 2009 (4 years after id been ignored, but then i was believed)

After kicking my father out, we discovered he was having an affair anyway and had a daughter, with a second daughter on the way. We all agreed that it was too late to save ourselves but couldnt live knowing there would be two more girls that would suffer the childhood we had. We reported it march 2011. Court began december 11th 2012, after beggining in August but then being adjourned the day before i was due to give my evidence.

I gave my evidence yesterday, 5 and a half greulling hours of watching my video statement and cross examination. 5 and a half hours of defending your deepest hidden secrets to a room of complete strangers.

Being a victim of abuse (I hate the word victim but that is what i feel right now) your brain helps to protect you by hiding the memories you have. Its like i had forgotten everything that had happened to me over the last 21 years, but having to relive my life in detail and describing in graphic detail everything that had ever happened to me, i remember, its fresh.

Ive spent my whole life fighting, just trying to get through the next day, month, ive done well i know i have. Living alone since 17. finishing college. volunteering overseas for 6 months. Getting into university for next year. A supportive incredible boyfriend. I have so many wonderfull things now and im so young but i feel so dead inside/

We all know what depression is, even the word depression makes you feel depressed. I feel like i have a daily battle with depression. A battle to get out of bed. A battle to smile. To eat. To laugh. To cry. Everything you want to do, depression will fight you for it.

Ok back to the court case, so the papers have printed the whole case in the local newspapers, so now not just these court room people, but everysingle person i know in my life knows about my horrific secret childhood. You cant tell a person has been abused by looking at them, you cant tell their depressed and you certaintly wouldnt have suspected a thing if you were someone i spent everyday with. Your trained to not show any signs, i dont think ill ever change that.But not only that,it will be in the papers again next week when the verdict is given.

I dont know how much longer i can try and be ok, i know i should "face my demons" be strong, bla bla bla but i just cant. No one around me understands. how can i be strong? i have nothing left to protect myself with. i feel so vulnerable. I guess its a bonus i dont feel suicidal, 3 unsuccessfull attempts with permanent liver damage and i guess ive learnt my lesson.

I guess ive babbled on uncohirently because ive avoided why ive come on here in the first place. someone please help me. someone please tell me that one day, one day everything is going to be ok, if your young or old and going through court now or planning to i can help answer questions aswell. Im so lonely i just need someone to talk to before its too late.

annonymous2012 annonymous2012
18-21, F
4 Responses Dec 14, 2012

I am of a similar age, truth is, if i could describe how i feel it would be using the same words and describing the same pain you feel. One day everything will click into place and you will come to realise that being strong isnt always about that brave face or keeping them emotions hidden. Its about you finally becoming you. Take a step back from the past for one second and look at what youve achieved, take it from a survivor. My only way of 'facing them demons' was to take numerous drugs just to have 30 mins out of my head. 30 mins of senselessness that meant i didn't have to be that victim even if for only a short time. You do have something to protect yourself and that is your inner strength, that same strength that enabled you to get through the years you have. Its an uphill battle but never lose faith never forget what an amazing person it takes to survive. I only wish i could be half the person you are and unblock some of them memories. Living life as a robot is a lonely and scary place, never knowing whether one of the emotions you show is the truth or what you believe to be the right thing at the right time.
Keep taking them baby steps eventually they lead to that giant leap.

"A strong person knows how to keep their life in line. With tears in their eyes, still manages to say 'Nah, Im fine."

Keeping your life in line is exactly what you'e done, everyone has wobbles and that's fine.

Wishing you all my love and hugs.

xXx

One day everything IS going to be ok!! Just keep on keepin' on!! You have already climbed so many mountains and look at you?? I'm sending good thoughts and peaceful vibes into the universe for you to catch.

((((GINORMOUS HUGS)))) You're an amazing young woman! I'm so sorry you have been through all this, but I am so impressed that you are fighting to put him behind bars!
The shame is all his, hun.

You might say you had no choice but to take him to court. But from what I see, the final choice was yours, and you chose to fight. You have demonstrated great strength and force of will. You have my respect.
I know it's hard to move on and stay strong, but you don't have to be strong all the time. Tears liberate the soul, and any who say they are a sign of weakness are either too bitter to feel anything, or never really suffered in life. So don't feel ashamed to cry and let it all out of you. Just don't let him see you like that. Don't give him the satisfaction. Don't let him win.