Twisted Tales

Following the abuse I suffered as a child, and the subsequent aftermath I battled against for nearly three decades - it isn't surprising that I withdrew into the darkest corners of my mind on more than a few occasions.

I would like to share some of the poetry I have written over the many years of battle.

A few of these verses can be found in my memoir, Losing the Hate.

Lost in a world,

That tortures my brain,

Trapped in a world,

Driving me insane.

Tearing at my soul,

Ripping at my heart,

Vision in my head,

A longing to depart.

Take it away, take it away,

Smash it or burn it, that Saturday.

Tear it and rip it,

Take the memory away,

I long to forget that Saturday.

Leave me, leave me, and leave me alone,

No more photos, just take me home.

Don’t give me smiles,

An’ I don’t want your beer,

Don’t ask me to *****,

Don’t fill me with fear.

I hate you, I hate you.

You horrible man.

Why does your smile,

Fill me with fear?

I’m not back at school,

So why are you here?

I don’t want to be,

Here in your car,

Give me an island,

That’s distant and far.

I want to play football,

And swing in the park,

I don’t want to feel,

Alone in the dark.

I wish I could tell,

My Mum what you’ve done,

Then I could go back,

To fun in the sun.

But, I’m still here,

In the seat of your car,


Like a frog in a jar.

Where should I look?

What should I say?

Will you take me to hell?

Or use me for play?

I cannot contain,

All this fear in my head,

How nice it would be,

To lay dead in my bed.

It’s got to be better,

Than here in your car.

A dark and gloomy, musty smell,

A place no warmer than a prison cell,

Strange thoughts enter into your head,

You now start wishing you were tucked up in bed.

A frightening chill shoots through the air,

All you do is stand and stare,

It’s a place with an eerie feeling,

Your heart by now is really speeding.



What a place,

Your heart is beating a rapid pace.

That awful chill is slowly rising,

All you think of is surviving,

But as you try to run and leave,

You can’t help thinking your eyes deceive,

Lurking in that gloomy doorway,

Is something that’s come out of doomsday,

You try to move, but are stuck to the spot,

You try to scream but breathing…, you’re not.



What a place,

It’s now your home.

You touched me,

Held me,

And stroked my chest,

Told me that you,

My teacher knew best.

I felt your hardness,

In the small of my back,

I had a chill in my spine,

When you said I’d be fine.

There’s no future,

In this world for me,

Or can’t you see.

I don’t want you,

You don’t want me,

I aint just a boy,

Or can’t you see.

I’m living in ******’ agony,

Tormented agony.

I’m living in ******’ solitary.

I don’t wanna,

I don’t wanna be me,

I don’t wanna,

Become a man,

I aint even happy as I am.

Are you so blind,

That you can’t see,

As long as I live,

I won’t ever be free.

I don’t wanna,

I don’t wanna be me.

Crisp blue skies,

A sun so bright,

Sweet smelling flowers,

Birds taking flight.

An ocean of colour,

The horizon so bright,

A feeling of hope,

And nothing to fear.

Beautiful hills,

And fields full of corn

Chairs in the garden,

Swings on the lawn.

The howling of wolves,

Death and decay,

A dread in the heart,

At the start of the day.

Scared of the shadows,

And what they contain,

Contorted illusions,

Of a brain that’s insane.

Kill, kill,

I want to kill me,

Hate, hate,

I hate me so,

Always the fool,

When I could’ve said no

Was it my fault?

Am I to blame?

Am I the one?

To feel so ashamed?

I look in the mirror,

An’ what do I see?

A face staring back,

That couldn’t be me.

I look in the mirror,

An’ what do I see?

A boy who is trapped,

Who longs to be free

Away from the terror,

Away from the pain,

Away from the feeling,

Of being to blame.

I’ll brave your wickedness,

I’ll brave my pain,

You’ll give me some money,

An’ never see me again.

Take your pictures,

Satisfy your need,

Destroy my life,

An’ feed your greed.

In years to come,

When you’ve forgotten my name,

The past will return,

An’ you’ll play my game.

I’ll become a man,

An’ learn how to fight,

I’ll enter your life,

An’ make things right.

You’ll lose your job,

An’ maybe a wife,

How great it will feel,

To destroy your life.

People like you,

Will never be free,

Chained to your sickness,

By victims like me.

But for now,

I’ll brave your wickedness,

I’ll manage my pain,

You’ll give me the money,

An’ never see me again.

Who are you?

Where are you?

Look at me,

An’ what I am.

Stand in my way,

An’ I’ll knock you down,

I don’t give a ****,

If you wear a crown,

Coz I am Sye,

An’ I know what I am.

You look at me,

An’ shake your head,

You think to yourself,

He’ll soon be dead.

I’m told an’ told,

I’m a big disgrace

Just you wait,

I’ll push **** in yer face.

I don’t give a toss,

You can scream an’ shout,

Coz I am Sye,

An’ I know what I am.

You can tear me apart

You can kick me down,

But watch your back,

Coz I’ll stand my ground.

I’ll come back,

When you’re alone,

Ruin your world,

An’ you’re perfect home.

When you’re dead,

I’ll sing so loud,

I am Sye,

An’ I am what I am.

Where am I going?

What will it be?

What is my fate?

What’s waiting for me?

Is there a purpose?

To the pain of the past?

What is the reason?

How long will it last.

Am I a man?

Or still just a shell.

Will I be loved?

Or remain in my hell.

Where is my peace?

Where is my home?

What is a life?

That’s destined to roam.

Silence raining down,

Lost within my thoughts,

Self-destruction, all around.

Lost in a “bed-sit”,

Demons flooding back,

Enfolded by a darkness,

Shadows cold and black.

Crying in a “bed-sit”,

Ashamed of what I’ve done,

A hatred for myself,

And all that I’ve become.

Satan within me,

Satan outside me,

Leave me alone,

Please don’t condemn me.

You are a power,

You are a force,

But when you’re gone,

I’ll feel no remorse.

Like a slug on some salt,

You’ll shrivel away,

The darkness will rise,

Right out of the day.

There are demons in my head,

Gnawing at my brain,

Torturing my soul,

Driving me insane.

There are demons in my head,

Tearing at my mind,

Devouring my spirit,

Sending shivers down my spine.

I don’t know you,

An’ you don’t know me,

Get out of my way,

Just leave me be.

I’ll tear you apart,

Limb from limb,

An’ all the while,

I’ll imagine you’re him.

Give me an excuse,

An’ I’ll destroy you’re life,

Slash your throat,

Kill your wife

Stamp on your head,

‘Till your skull caves in,

An’ all the while,

I’ll imagine you’re him.

Murder you all,

An’ imagine you’re him.

Am I the same as you?

When will I die?

There are so many questions,

Tell me, who am I.

I think all the time,

So many things I try,

I know I’ve found a skill,

But tell me, who am I.

Do I have a label?

Or is my life a sham?

Maybe if I try,

I’ll find out who I am.

SyeP SyeP
41-45, M
Jan 8, 2013