Struggling With My Depression


The reason why i end up here is because my life is falling apart and I am coming to the conclusion that the sexual abuse i suffered when i was a child is the source of my endless problems and depression

When I was 5 I was sexually molested a few times by a person close to my family. I was not really aware of what happened, but when I was 10, this person molested me again for almost a year

He had daily contact with me. And he knew exactly how to make me do those things. My father was both physically and verbally abusive towards me, especially in public

When my abuser approach me he told me that if I didn't let him touch me again like he did when i was 5, he would tell my father that I was doing those things. He would use every situation where my dad was abusive to back mail me

Unfortunately my father gave him inumerous opportunities to terrorize me. Especially after my dad whip me with his belt in the same house he used to abuse me.

After the abuse stopped, I tried through the years to put that on the past.

Besides being abused, as a child I was heavily bullied in school and by my neighbors. Maybe I screamed so loud how an easy target I was.

When I started college I had a brief happiness moment, but it didn't last

Soon i was not performing in school and I withdraw from my friends

Currently I am in a abusive relationship.

My partner verbally abuse me, rejects me and this led me to a deep depression

My eating disorder that I was somewhat able to control, went crazy. I gained 35 lbs in 1 year

This led him to call me names like fat pig, fat ***, pile of **** everyday

I have been having recurring flashbacks from the abuse, feeling unworthy of love and sometimes I wish I could just die so I didn't have to feel those things anymore

To make things worse, I told my partner about the sexual abuse that I suffered as a child. He heard me, but after I was done telling him, he did not say a word about it. Not even I am sorry.

It was like he did not care. I told him that the way he was speaking to me made me feel bad and depressed and was bringing back bad memories

The day after I told him those things, he just started saying the same things again

I am feeling so bad because I never told anyone about this until now, and I thought he would understand why I behave sometimes in a weird way, or because sometimes i feel depressed or because I over eat.

Well I saw that I need help, because I can not go on like this.

I am really starting to believe that I am a piece of ****, and i will never be happy
quelzinharj quelzinharj
26-30, F
3 Responses Jan 20, 2013

Get some hot grits and pour all over him when he want you to make breakfast

well dump him

Please try to get some help. Have you considered seeing a therapist?

And, frankly, if your boyfriend continues treating you the way he does, well he doesn't deserve you. Why be with a man you treats you like ****? Is it because you feel that you don't deserve anything better? Well, that's a lie that you are telling yourself.

There is nothing wrong with you. There is something seriously wrong with those people who abused you.

I know that you probably don't believe me right now but slowly-slowly with therapy you will see things in a different light. At least that's what happened to me. I'm seeing a therapist for over a year and gradually I'm getting better and I'm getting my life back on track. (I struggle with PTSD, Generalized Anxiety and Depression. I was emotionally and physically abused by my father and I was bullied for many years at school).

I believe that EVERYONE can heal. It's a slow and gradual progress with many many setbacks but it can happen. And it will make you feel like a different person. A new person. I haven't healed completely yet, but I can see the great progress I have done and this gives me courage to continue this often difficult road.

I hope everything goes well for you.