Trying To CopeI wrote a story recently on this site about the abuse that I went through during my childhood years.
Now at twenty years old it feels like everything has really hit me mentally. It's as if all the physiological damage is finished brewing itself in my mind. I go day by day now trying to cope with everything that goes through my mind. I feel as if I'm totally different from everybody else around me no matter where I am. Whenever I'm anywhere around people, I always feel that everyone is after me.
I deal with constant urges to destroy things or go into a sudden rage and destroy someone. I am very easily angered to the point that if someone simply talks to me too long I begin to get highly irritated. I'm at a point now to where I am totally not afraid of death or killing someone. Sometimes I wonder what death is like.
A couple of days ago I got into a sudden rage during an argument my mother and I were having and I attacked her. I've been having these sudden rages against my current gf whom I don't think wants to be with me anymore due to these incidences. The craziest part about these sudden bouts of rage that I have is that right afterwards I feel totally terrible about what I've done. It seems like its extremely hard for me to control my anger at this point.
The only time that I feel calm is when I'm alone, not talking to anyone, and there isn't any people around me. I feel like I really stand alone in my mind.