Trying To Cope

I wrote a story recently on this site about the abuse that I went through during my childhood years.

Now at twenty years old it feels like everything has really hit me mentally. It's as if all the physiological damage is finished brewing itself in my mind. I go day by day now trying to cope with everything that goes through my mind. I feel as if I'm totally different from everybody else around me no matter where I am. Whenever I'm anywhere around people, I always feel that everyone is after me.

I deal with constant urges to destroy things or go into a sudden rage and destroy someone. I am very easily angered to the point that if someone simply talks to me too long I begin to get highly irritated. I'm at a point now to where I am totally not afraid of death or killing someone. Sometimes I wonder what death is like.

A couple of days ago I got into a sudden rage during an argument my mother and I were having and I attacked her. I've been having these sudden rages against my current gf whom I don't think wants to be with me anymore due to these incidences. The craziest part about these sudden bouts of rage that I have is that right afterwards I feel totally terrible about what I've done. It seems like its extremely hard for me to control my anger at this point.

The only time that I feel calm is when I'm alone, not talking to anyone, and there isn't any people around me. I feel like I really stand alone in my mind.
bullheaded11 bullheaded11
18-21, M
2 Responses Jan 21, 2013

I know what you mean. I get violent when I feel like I have to protect someone or myself. If you are worried that you can't handle your rage you should look into therapy, if it's a possibility. Once you see or feel like your going to lose it, you should go for a walk, run or jog. It really helps.

Sometimes I might just be around my mom or other people and just think about all types of violent things to do to them. And I hate having these type of thoughts but I can't control what's in my head. But I spend a lot of my time in the gym lifting heavy which keeps me occupied and out of trouble.

I can honestly say I know how you're feeling. I am too 20 years old and am dealing with the same things. I don't have rage like that though, where it's enough for me to actually attack someone but I do deal with really intense moments of unspeakable anger. It sucks a lot.

same here, I spent a majority of my life supressing my anger and rage and now as an adult, I feel like all of it comes up unexpectantly and then I'm just having panic attacks. I am currently in therapy for healing and recovering from my child abuse. Its not easy but its definitely not impossible.