Confused, Fed Up, And Tired.

With everything that my parents has done to me, it makes it especially hard for me to face them. I always have this fear for them. Because my mom used to always blame me for everything that went wrong, I'm constantly finding myself in a position where I feel the need to please my parents.

Sometimes I feel ungrateful. I don't hate my parents. I love them to pieces (at least I think so) but sometimes I just want to get away from them. I know they've given me so much, but it's not just me, it's my siblings as well.

Just my siblings never got abused like I did. So they're able to stand up to my parents. Then I also have the dilemma of being the middle child. So my older brother get treated good cause he's the oldest, and first born. And my sister gets treated especially well because she's the baby. Then there's me. The evil **** child.

I wish I can just tell my parents like, "you know mom and dad, I really don't want to be in college right now. I just want to move the New York City, start my life and return to school when I'm good and happy". But they'd look at me like I'm four types of stupid and tell me how much of a bad idea it is or how much I think I know about living on my own and that I'm too young, dumb, and naive to ever make it on my own. (I'll be 21 March 3rd.)

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever have a good life. I feel like I've been destined to live a horrible life from the moment I was born. I don't remember having one good memory. Besides going to the amusement parks and the bronx zoo as a child. But even during those times, I remember always being tired and frustrated. I always had deep blue bags under my eyes in my pictures. And that's at age 7.

I start to feel ungrateful and guilty because on my birthdays when I asked for somethings, I got it. I only ever asked for a few things growing up. I never asked for much. I know my parents gave my a place to stay, I had a place to sleep and food to eat. So when I get angry at my parents, I feel like I shouldn't be because they gave me all of that.

But on the downside, they've made me fear them. They beat me so much that all I know is fear for my parents. They want me to go to school and do all of these things, and I know that's normal for parents. But the things is, I'm not ready right now for school and stuff. But they won't get it. They just want me to get a degree asap. And if I take long, I'm wasting my life. They're guyanese, and very old fashioned and traditional. I don't know if they want me to get married or some crap. But all I want is to be happy. To leave this place.
dinosaursockpuppet dinosaursockpuppet
22-25, F
2 Responses Feb 5, 2013

I can relate so much to what you are saying!

My parents did some good things for me growing up, so whenever I'm angry at them for the mostly emotional abuse, and some physical I had to suffer (by my dad), I feel guilty! As if I'm doing something wrong for even thinking something bad about them!!!

And my father pushed me so hard, it was never what I needed or wanted, it was what he said, it had to be done. I felt so controlled and oppressed as a child.

I never did many of the things I wanted to do, not only as a child, but also as an adult because I always felt that I wanted his approval.

Now, he's dead. And for the very first time, I feel free. (of course, I am sad as well that he's dead, because I loved him in spite of the abuse he inflicted upon me).

I fell free because I don't need to please him anymore. I can live for myself at last! I find it extremely difficult to do so, because I feel so weird, but I take it one step at a time.

Your parents don't need to be dead in order for you to live your life. Do whatever you want and need. You are 21, you are an adult. You have every right to live your life. If they can't understand that, well that's too bad. You could try to talk to them of course to help them change their mind, but if they continue not respecting your wishes, you could tell them something like "Mom, Dad, I love you but I'm an adult and I'm entitled to live my life, and make my own mistakes etc", and then go and do whatever you want. You are free! Whether you realize it or not. It took me 32 years to get to that point. You don't have to wait that long. Start from now. If they disapprove and stop speaking to you, that will bring pain to you, I'm sure. But the pain you are going to suffer for not doing what you want and need, and only doing what others want from you, believe me is nothing in comparison!

I hope this helps. Take care:-)

I understand the need to be happy. Happiness cannot be forced upon a person. Yes, I am seventeen, but I understand the importance of happiness. Happiness isn't being controlled to the point you're afraid of saying no...or expressing your opinion and I completely understand your anger with your parents. I am an abuse victim, too, and to this day, I fear my mother and I feel I always will, but I still love her. I love her with everything in me. It is hard when expectations are high. I am the youngest, but my father passed away when I was two and that left my mother alone to care for me. My brothers are much older and had already moved out by this time. I understand completely. In the end, you have survived. Keep your chin up, you will be just fine as long as you see a happy future for yourself. You will have to make your own happy future; it will not just come to you if you just sit around and wait.

Thank you so much for that. And don't worry of you're 17 and stuff, these are some pretty wise and inspiring words.

But I understand what you are saying. It's hard. And I can't imagine how hard it must be without your dad. Even though both my parents inflicted so much pain on me, I still love this with every bit of my heart. It is hard, it's hard because you want to do everything they expect of you but when it's something that won't make you happy it leaves a better end.

But I will keep my chin up, I don't let my last bother me too much but it upsets me as to how much it influences my decisions. I hope things will get better in time, but you're right. I need to get up and get my happiness because at this point, sitting around and waiting makes it hard to come to me.