Confused, Fed Up, And Tired.With everything that my parents has done to me, it makes it especially hard for me to face them. I always have this fear for them. Because my mom used to always blame me for everything that went wrong, I'm constantly finding myself in a position where I feel the need to please my parents.
Sometimes I feel ungrateful. I don't hate my parents. I love them to pieces (at least I think so) but sometimes I just want to get away from them. I know they've given me so much, but it's not just me, it's my siblings as well.
Just my siblings never got abused like I did. So they're able to stand up to my parents. Then I also have the dilemma of being the middle child. So my older brother get treated good cause he's the oldest, and first born. And my sister gets treated especially well because she's the baby. Then there's me. The evil **** child.
I wish I can just tell my parents like, "you know mom and dad, I really don't want to be in college right now. I just want to move the New York City, start my life and return to school when I'm good and happy". But they'd look at me like I'm four types of stupid and tell me how much of a bad idea it is or how much I think I know about living on my own and that I'm too young, dumb, and naive to ever make it on my own. (I'll be 21 March 3rd.)
Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever have a good life. I feel like I've been destined to live a horrible life from the moment I was born. I don't remember having one good memory. Besides going to the amusement parks and the bronx zoo as a child. But even during those times, I remember always being tired and frustrated. I always had deep blue bags under my eyes in my pictures. And that's at age 7.
I start to feel ungrateful and guilty because on my birthdays when I asked for somethings, I got it. I only ever asked for a few things growing up. I never asked for much. I know my parents gave my a place to stay, I had a place to sleep and food to eat. So when I get angry at my parents, I feel like I shouldn't be because they gave me all of that.
But on the downside, they've made me fear them. They beat me so much that all I know is fear for my parents. They want me to go to school and do all of these things, and I know that's normal for parents. But the things is, I'm not ready right now for school and stuff. But they won't get it. They just want me to get a degree asap. And if I take long, I'm wasting my life. They're guyanese, and very old fashioned and traditional. I don't know if they want me to get married or some crap. But all I want is to be happy. To leave this place.