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Lost

Maybe there is something wrong with me? When I was 4 years old I found out just how cruel this world can be... My mother had dropped me an my brother off at one of her friends house while she went to work while we were there both me and my brother where sexually abused and raped I don't remember the attack I do how ever remember the court hearing I remember the police lady telling me that this would never happen to me again she lied! Just when life was seeming normal I was about 10 my mum got married to a really good man but this really good man wasn't from a good family but we didn't no that and nor did he his father was a child molester that had never been caught he first started touching me when my mum got sick n was in hospital I was so afraid I felt disgusting I didn't no what to do this went on for any years untill one day I had enough and tried to take my own life but failed which ended me up in a child's mental health ward I was so afraid of telling anyone what happened but one day I broke down and opened up to a nurse at the ward she promised she would protect from him I just had to tell her everything I didn't want to trust her after all I had been let down alot but the other alternative was go back I my life so I opened up she contacted the police who contacted my family and I was not told about anything after that even to this day I don't no what happened all I know is we have nothing to do with my step dads side of the family and we don't talk about it I feel like this controls my life like I'm broken but know one can know I often think about suicide because it seems easier and sometime easy sounds good but I can't do that to my mother after all the pain I have already put her through and I don't want people to think I'm weak all I know is I can't keep on living this way but I don't know how to change things any ideas would be great?
An Ep User An EP User 3 Responses Feb 9, 2013

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I am so very sorry to hear what happened to you, and in anwser to you thinking that there is something wrong with you there is not. You are not the one who is broken, you have come so far with this, carried this weight for so long and though you sometimes feel as though you can't go on that you can't do it anymore and you just want to lie down you won't. You are so much stronger than that stupid bastard who did this to you. Please do not let him break you now. As for now you need to seek counseling someone you can talk with face to face, and know that you have freinds that you can talk with here freinds who do understand and do know what and how you are feeling because they are going through it to and know how much it hurts. Just trust that you maybe the one who is hurting now but the one who did this to you will be the one who ends up hurting for the rest of their life they will wear what they did like the proverbial millstone, it will dog them for the rest of their days and rightfully so. Hang in there and know we are all here for you anytime you need a freind.
roberts1107

you are strong enough to come this far and you will go ahead. take ccontrol of your life, we all know you can do it, and if you get lost,you'll find your way again. you are not alone, there are many people here who understand what you've been through including me. so stay strong keep your head up. one step at a time and you'll be fine.

You are strong enough to write this because somewhere inside you know that you are not at fault. Remember, brokeness can be mended. In your case, not only mended but made whole.

Please know that you are not the first to experince this, not the first to feel broken or alone or even trivialized.

Hold on, look only forward. Don't take the easy way. There is a plan for your life, a reason you are here and if you just hold on you will be victorious and stronger than anyone you know.

This doesn't mean that you wil not cry or hurt, however, think of the power you are giving those a**holes who took what they wanted. Take it back - make your life count while they pay!

In the meantime, I pray that God gives you the strength to move forward and the comfort in knowing that like me - you can survive and find joy in life DESPITE the bad.
*huggs* to you!