Can You Help Me

I was physically and sexually abused as a child.

My father is a sociopath so unlike many abused children, I never saw him fly off the handle or get angry, his abuse was controlled and calculated designed to torture myself, my older brother and sister every moment of our lives. His abuse came in the form of games such as drawing straws, flipping a coin or drawing a card (from a pack of playing cards) to see who would get a beating, the games where a daily feature in our lives. No one had to do anything wrong, we just excepted that they were a normal part of the day. If one of us did actually do something that required punishment then we would have to watch the other two get beaten, my father knowing it was far more heart wreanching to watch our sibblings get tortured for our own misdoings. The games started when I was two and lasted until my boyfriend at the time rescued me when I was 17. I am now almost thirty an have tried everything I think of to keep my childhood from drowning me. I have been to therapy, I have confronted him, I have had mediation with him, I have forgiven him, I have even had spiritual healing, but the nightmares continue. Can anyone help me?

zaylee zaylee
26-30, F
5 Responses Mar 7, 2009

My step-father also played "games" that we could not win. Losing meant a beating. We did not always know what the game was or that we were playing one. An example is he would put a piece of paper in the lawn and if no one "picked up the garbage" by a set time, we were lazy kids and one would get beat, while he made the others watch. He would also give us each a chore and the last one done would get beat (or if she did the chore wrong- going into the same room twice to put laundry away- we should have planned better and not had to go to the same place twice) I agree with you, watchig and not able to help, was worse than the beating itself. I am over aware of my enviroment now as an adult and have difficulty sitting on one place or feeling relaxed. I am now learning in coumseling how some of my adult behavoirs are spilling over from my coping skills from childhood. I obsessivly clean and now see that as a child, I tried to control my enviroment my cleaning all the time- I thought if everything was in it's place, he would not play games. Now I realize there would have always been something wrong and if he could not find something, he would make it up. I struggle with the memories everyday because I can't understand how someone could get pleasure from torturing a child. Thank you for using the word psyopath, that helps to me to define this behavoir better, because there really is no reasonal explaination for people's actions on children. Like you said, he never got mad and through something- it was very calm and calulated.

I understand and sympathize. I was a 'problem' child in school. I am 132 IQ. I was bored as I was able to grasp what the teacher was imparting. In the third grade until the end of fifth, my teachers would, at first, write notes and I was supposed to give them to my Mom. After the first three or four, then receiving a beating I saw the connection. I stopped giving the notes. The beatings began again as the teacher realized I was not giving them. She used the telephone instead. <br />
I walked home from school as she made the call. Upon arrival I was ushered in and the front door would close. I was then questioned and 'punished' for the felony of talking in class or drawing pictures directly after taking a test while the other children struggled with the answers. Most of the pictures were of escaping from home by car or plane. I had talked to a psychologist in school in the third grade. he recommended I see an outside professional and also to skip a grade so I would be challenged. Mom would not skip me. I 'needed to be with children my own age.' I would routinely read the text books of the upper grades.<br />
I finally finished High School and graduated early. I went to work to pay for medical school, but my witch sister returned from marriage pregnant and wanted my room for her unborn son. I was at work when she bought pot pipes and placed them in my room where Mom found them. Later I arrived to be told my 'lease was up on that Saturday.' AND Dad, the Enforcer, a butcher in a supermarket told me " If you are here at six o'clock when I get home, I will cut, gut and clean you like any other animal."<br />
I did leave on that Saturday in the morning. I moved into a poor area of the city and spoke only Spanish as the family who took me in were from Dominican Republic. Mom said as I was just about to close the door," I give you three months and you'll be back, begging to be let in." Her last assault. <br />
"Don't count on that. GOOD-BYE!!!" I did not have any contact for more than three years. My little sister would visit on the weekend afternoons. One day she told Mom where she was going. I was asked to call.<br />
Mom asked me to come home and I refused!! She tried to bribe me by offering dentistry. She said she was sorry, but I did not forgive her. The seventeen years of physical and mental abuse would not allow me to return to the house. I was unaware that my parents found out the truth so I stayed away!!<br />
Two years later, my sister asked me to call and I did. I had refused all other requests until then. I was again offered dentistry which I accepted as I decided to take what I could get while protecting myself. I had been through a very tough five years: surviving on the street, getting robbed and almost shot, dealing with mentally ill violent people and other major horrors.<br />
They also gave a car to draw me in. I was a distant person. After the deaths my father's will had a page of apology for me and I received a great deal of the inheritance and my older sister almost nothing to which she is STILL unhappy about. Seven years after taking possession of Dad's car, she continues asking where it is. She had come to visit, empty handed, to her daughter-in-law's baby shower. She asked to stay over and my wife allowed. We were appalled when she bragged that some of the items were 'garage sale ' bought. We refused her visit for Christmas stay over.<br />
Read EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE by Goleman. It will help.<br />
The trouble when viewed in the correct way SHALL make you strong as steel and concrete.

Angells is right..... I think you all done of counseling but you never PRAY? Pray to god so that all of the anger in your heart will wash away... Have you read the story "Thank God I Was Abused"? It's a great story... I don't know if it is ok to post a link here so try to search in google search engine and read it... Or search the Thank God For Ebooks


What a horrible thing you all went through! My heart truly goes out to you! Have you tried hypnosis? Ive never experianced it but they may be able to help relieve these nightmares. I don't know. I went to library last night to seek out meditation books. Maybe try to meditate and take a hot bath, surround yourself with candles and if you believe in God, PRAY! I will keep you in my prayers friend! I too have suffered through at times because of my past. It normally occurs after I am stressed out...which seems often these days. Thats what has prompted me towards meditation. Besy of luck my dear and please know you are cared for by many people and you may email me anytime if you need to talk. Take care