I have never received a hug or kiss from my parents. If I have I don't remember it. I've never gotten a birthday present or blown out candles. I didn't know kids got all this until I made real friends in 5th grade. I didn't understand. My friends don't understand how I could get so happy about $20 as a birthday present - the first presents I received were when I was 16 and hung with my friends at the mall. The first hug I had from a male father figure was from my 8th grade art teacher when I was graduating. My first mother figure hug may have been from my teachers. I thought everyone had it like me.
Sometimes I hate my parents. It's not just the above. It's because my father beat me up, sent me to the hospital, made me lie about it, and then pretended everything was back to normal. It's because my own mother never stood up for me. She actually told me I deserved it for making them angry. All I wanted was a job. I wanted to be a regular kid. I've never been a regular kid. I've never played sports. I've never driven. I've never had a job. I was sick and tired of moving over and over again because my father wanted to further his career. I've never lived in a place more than 3 years. I've never lived in a house. I understood it for so many years. Parents are always right.
But it's not right to make me bleed.
It happened 5 months ago. It's June and I'm not back in California yet. I bet he thinks he can get away with it, that I'm too brow beaten to tell anyone. When I step foot off that plane I'm going to the nearest cop. And if I can't get help, I'll run.
I don't understand my parents. Why would I deserve to be blamed for what they do wrong? Why would I deserve something like that? I can't stand raised voices now. I can't look at myself in the mirror without feeling sick. I can't stand being in the presence of my parents. I hate them. I hate myself for hating them, my own parents.
I don't know what real parents are supposed to do. I don't know what to do.
But I wish I did. I want real parental figures so badly.