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I Am a Child Abuse Survivor

hi i am a 26 yera old female, i live in a small town called branxton in nsw australia, and this is my story i dont have any one else to tell it too and thought this might help me get it all out.  it started when i was just a little girl when my dad and mum split up i was 5 but will never forget the day i watched my father who i loved with all my heart walk away from us, life was never the same after that, mum told us that he was not mine or my brothers dad and that he was our younger sisters father only, my whole world came crashing down, i was only little but will never forget that feeling, after that we where introduced to our real father and slowly started to get to know him although to me he was just some man my real father was nick(my sisters dad) and no one was going to change my mind about that, any way my real dad (his name is shane) decided to kidnap us from school one day and took us away from mum and a big custody battle started resulting in shane sending us back and telling us that he never wanted to see us agien unless it was to spit on our graves, we where just little kids how can anyone say something like that. any way mum met a man 10 years younger who was studying at uni and very soon he moved in and all of a sudden our world was turned upside down overnight. my mum became an alcoholic and drug addict and every night our house was turned into a party house with heaps of people doing drugs and drinking every night, we seen so much violence and on some nights just so they could get a laugh they would flush our heads in the toilet, lined us up pointed a gun at us and laughed when we wet our pants, we constantly got bashed, and we never ever had food or clothes, we lived of weet bix and mouldy bread, and we used to steal our clothes from the charity bins, my step dad used to bash us mainly me all the time and eventually mum did aswell, i used to cry everynight to affraid to sleep and i used to pray that someone anyone would come and rescue us but no one ever came, then we got a new neighbour his name was ron and he was 65 years old his wife sufferd alzihmers, the day i met him i was sitting in the gutter playing with a stick when he drove past, 15 minutes later he drove back pulled up and gave me a snickers bar, i was smitten i never got hardley any food and this snickers bar was a big treat, he said his name was ron and he lived next door from that moment every now and then he would give me a chocolate bar or lolly whenever he went to the shop and i grew to trust andf love him, very soon i was always at his house drinking hot milo and eating cookies, then one day he wanted to play a game, ( due to some people who will read this who have had a similar experiance i wont go into detail) all i will say is for 2 years i was sexually assulted by this man untill my mum got into trouble with the police and we moved from tasmainia to nsw. the abuse continued, i kept getting abused by my mother and step father and have witnessed my mother trying to commit suicide on numerouse occasions, and she ended up in a mental institution called the james fletcher in newcastle and i was left in my step fathers care it was hell on earth.  when i was 12 i started to run away, and every time i got taken back i would run away agein, i have lived on the streets and been in and out of refuges. i started drinking heavily when i was 14 but never once turned to drugs. i guess seeing what they did to my mother scared the hell out of me, i had a child when i was 17 and never had anyone and like so many other young mums i had to do it all on my own, i have tried to commit suicide on a number of occasions and really went of the rails a few years ago, but now i am married to a wonderfull man who changed my life and is there for me as much as he can be, he knows when im am triggerd, when i want to be left alone and when i want cuddles, since the abuse i have had a number of abusive relationships, i can not hold down a job and sometimes i have an episode of explosive rage that when it happens i cannot control its like a demon takes over my body, and i cannot control what i do or what i say, therapy has helped me controll this, i dont have any friends at all because i always end up friends with people who use me or hurt me. some times i feel like im an alien because despite what has happend to me i cant find it in myself to hate any one even the ones who hurt me, i have so much compassion for people and often give buskers or homeless people my last dollar, and will help anyone any time.  my brother and sister are now alo drug addicts and alcoholics and i have no contact with any of my family and have changed my name so i cannot be found. some times i feel so alone, i have no one to talk to about this and i feel very isolated, my husband is my best friend but he could never understand the hurt and pain and anger that i feel every day. i mourn everyday for the little girl who was lost so long ago and have no idea how to get her back. thank you for listening to me by reading my story xxx

silentnighttears silentnighttears 26-30 33 Responses Jul 7, 2009

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Do you believe in god?<br />
Do you take difficult challenges?<br />
Do you change things for the better?<br />
Do you you think that god gave you this difficult challenge for a reason?<br />
Do you think god gave you this difficult task because he knew you were strong enough to survive through it because he knew you would change things for the better?<br />
I think so. Yes it was a very difficult thing to go through but hey look at what you're doing now, you're changing things for the better. God bless you.

i just truly admire you. You are the most bravest and strongest person i've ever met. To have gone through all that and just to have you to survive it, and face your pains everyday to me you are the strongest and bravest person i've ever met. You are so brave for just even telling this story. I think its so amazing that now you've become stronger for a reason to make a change in peoples lives. Just wondering do you believe in god?

Sure went on for a long time and so intense.<br />
what is this how come some people have a life on a pedistol.<br />
And others have a thing called abuse in their lives as we did and sometimes I think its just not fare.<br />
May the Lord send you His blessing.

I really wish that you would find your brother and sister. don't leave them like that

I hear your story and I hope that you have not let hurtful people stop you from getting the healing you deserve or kept you from continueing your story. I am here. You are a remarkable person!

hello everyone yes i went to sydney for christmas and had the best time ever. it feels great finally being part of a family that would never dream of hurting me and love me unconditionally despite the fact that i am not blood. i love them so much and thank them for everything. i am now studying to become a youth worker i want to make a difference and i want young people who are going through what i wnet through to know that they have the power within them to overcome their pain, to rise up and do great things, to let them know that they are not worthless and that they are loved. i am proof that you can make it. that despite all the times you get silenced or hurt over and over again you can beat it. i can now say that i am proud of myself for all i have overcome, despite all that happend to me i still managed to turn it all into a positive, i have learnt to see the good in all the bad that i sufferd at the hands of others, i am a better mother to my son and step kids because i never want them to experiance the pain i had to from having abusive parents, the abuse i sufferd made me strong, it made me show empathy for others and want to do all i can to help others not turn a blind eye and shut them out, i am going to make a differnce in as many peoples lifes as i can, sometimes even a smile can brighten someones day. love to all xxxx

I am not for a second going to say I know how you must feel.<br />
But I do know what its like to have a inner child who is lost because of abuse.<br />
Not many will know what I have been though and understand my sometimes bad moments when I think history is repeating.<br />
I think you will know about that.<br />
I am so sorry you had to go though that. My heart goes out to you.<br />
You are a survivor and stronger than you think.<br />
You are one tough woman, you know that.<br />
Did you come down to Sydney for Christmas.

to everyone on here who has left me comments (except one) thank you all so much from my heart, whenever i log on here and read them it touches me deeply, i am going to fill you all in on the goings on in my life at the moment and since i joined thise site. i have been seeing a therapist and have 3 sessions now she is really good and i am comfortable with her, my usband has been diagnosed with depression but he went and seen a doctor who put him on effexor-xr and he is also seeing a therapist different to mine, and he too is doing much better, we are currently in the middle of getting our buisness up and running and it should be full swing by next year, i am excited about taking our kids (my son) and aarons son and daughter) out of nsw to queensland for a holiday at christmas i have never been on a holiday and it should be very relaxing and healing for us both, then next year my husband has planned a trip for us to go to tassie it is a trip to help me heal as tassie is where the abuse happend and i have not been back since, i guess some of you are wondering about my husbands surcumstances no he isnt a victim of child abuse just recently his nanna passed away he was very close with nanna as was i, but on top of that nannas farm the place aaron grew up on and helped his granfather build who also passed away has been sold. and it has broken his heart, he lived there with his parents who looked after her for the last 25 years and nanna always said not to sell the farm however aarons uncle and 3 auntys who mind you havent been there or helped out with nanna over the last 10 years has sold it and kicked my husbands parents out nana forgot to change the will. so thats the reason for my husbands depression, and i guess what makes it harder for him is that he has felt that he has to keep it to himself in order not to upset me as he knows im in healing and suffer from anxiety and ptsd( post traumatic stress disorder) he was just trying to protect me and i love him so much for it and am trying to work out ways to be there for him, because i know that my way of dealing with things and things that work for me might not work for him, any way he seems better now and back to his old self. i am in a happy place right now and for once in my life i have something to look forward too. i do my best for my son and i wont say its was easy for a while i was doing it all on my own and it was really hard and i had no one to turn to for advice or help. also in my story i menthoned my step dad (nick) who left when i was little well i am in touch with him and we are going down there to sydney for christmas with them before we go away. i found them on facebook and i am so happy. im thinking about ways that i can help other people especially the young kids who are going through this now, i remember all i wanted was for someone to help me or notice me and notice my pain. you all have helped me on here more than you can believe, thank you all so much for believing in me and believing i am not fake. we are all special people every single one of us and we are strong . i am on face book if anyone wants to add me and see my family photos i no i am taking a risk but to me facebook is a safe site and has helped me find so many people who have reached out to me through my healing. if you would like to add me on facebook email me and i will give you my add on. love to everyone xxxx

Doctor999- you keep saying Silent is a fake. We get it. YOU don't believe her. But WE do. I can't expect you to understand. We've been there, we've experienced the abuse. You haven't. If she was lying we would know. There are certain things as a victim, you can see in other victims. Her experience holds a lot of those key factors you, as an outsider, can't see or pick out.<br />
<br />
We all know where you stand. You've warned everyone fairly, and we CHOOSE to believe Silentnight. So if we get burned, if we get taken in by a con artist, that's our problem, and not yours. IF it happens, then you'll be able to stand back and say "I told you so!" But until then, what purpose does it serve for you to keep coming back here and harassing and slandering?<br />
<br />
Please leave Silent alone.

Silentnight- I believe you. As does everyone else in here(excluding one). I am positive I speak for everyone here when I say you have our support. I too was a victim of physical and sexual abuse. And the hardest part to overcoming your past and healing is sharing your story! I would like to applaud you. I hope that by you sharing your story, you give others the courage they need to be able to share theirs too and start down the road to healing.<br />
<br />
I suffered the physical abuse at the hands of my mother. I was so pleased to read you learned from your mothers mistakes. I too, have learned from my mothers mistakes and abusive nature. I refuse to put my kids through what I dealt with. I am proud of you for not continuing the cycle of abuse with your own child. You have made the world a better place to live in by giving your son the love you did not have, as he will be able to pass that loving example to his own children. <br />
<br />
I believe I read among your posts that you are(were?) seeing a therapist. Keep it up. It is the best thing you can do for yourself and your family. We(your experience project family) are all here for you too as you need us. You will definitely be in my thoughts. *big hugs and lots of love*

Doctor999 you are very mixed up and need help Sweetie now you are asking why are we believing, even if its not geniune, go and get yourself a life you are just attention seeking, if silentnighttears is having support from here whether her case is true or not, let her, how do you think she is fake by just reading her story (are you physcic????) <br />
let her have that support and try and be supportive of people you well feel much better about yourself <br />
HAVE A NICE DAY SWEETIE

There are still children out there suffering (Baby P) was one of them and he did not live to tell his tale. We are all different and handle things differently and you will handle this your way, but as you read there is a lot of support for you to talk about your terrible childhood, who brought these adults up god knows, if anyone can hurt a child they need wiping off the face of this earth. Move on and just think about each day as it comes and how lucky we are to be alive with choices, which you did not have as a child while those monsters were using you as a game, you ARE SPECIAL take that with you now xxx

You continue to share and continue to heal.

Hello darling. Don't you allow what people comment about concerning your pain. Let me apologize for them because it is obvious that those who respond negatively to your pain do not possess an ounce of empathy or sympathy towards another's painful circumstance. I too suffered abuse, not as a child but as an adult. My childhood was sheltered and filled with love, however, I discovered what pain is when I married at the age of 18. I could not imagine that anyone could be so cruel, abusive and down right hateful. I am currently working on my thesis which will be based on abuse, and through the research, study and reliving that experience I am able to come to terms with that pain and am beginning to heal. I am here for you, whenever you begin to relive that pain and are unable to sleep. I Love You!

doctor999 like i say in my story i can not hate people no matter what they do, and while your comments have hurt me and upset me i do forgive you, its the love i have in my heart and my faith that not all people are like the ones who have hurt me, i believe its because of my exeperiances that i have so much compassion for others and i think its that strenghth that i have that makes me strong, if i hated everyone because of a few wrongs done to me then i would be setting a bad example for my son, its because of the way my mother treated me that makes me a better mom i guess i have learnt from my mothers mistakes, my story is genuine, i dont know what could ever come of anyone posting a fake story, however maybe you should not post comments like you do regardless of wether you think my story or anyone elses story is fake, because you have no idea and your comments not only hurt me but others who read them that have shared similar experiances. i hope you have a nice day :)

I can't stop thinking about your story and want to give you a big grandfathers hug.<br />
<br />
I was married to my lovely wife for over 50 years and then she died of brain tumours, I had a hard time getting over the loss but I did in the end, yet, there is not a day goes by when I don't think of her, she was my life, we shared the same soul we had 2 children and 5 grandchildren together, life is sweet little one no matter what happens.<br />
<br />
I love photography now and flowers are my favourite subject, when I look into the heart of a flower I see there in it's depths the face of God.<br />
<br />
Tommy.x.

I have read your story and was so touched by what you wrote. I understand much of what you have gone through, as I, myself, was a child who was sexually abused for many years. I had no love in my life and I felt lonely and unwanted. I do not have any good childhood memories.<br />
<br />
However, I want to say that there is hope. It is important for you to heal and I would really suggest some therapy. It is easier said than done, but take care of yourself emotionally, physically and spiritually. Eventually you will learn that you are a special person and a strong one at that.<br />
<br />
Be grateful that you have a loving husband and child. These are definite blessings. Regarding friendships, once you learn to truly love yourself, you will attract healthy and positive people to you - and you will learn to weed out those who do not have your best interest at heart. This is so important, as negative people will drag you down.<br />
<br />
There is hope! It has taken me many years to come to terms with my past. I am 48 years old and will be returning to school to do a Masters in Social Work and could not be more pleased. I intend to work with children, youths and their families. I never thought that I would get as far as I am - and you will go far too. You are much younger than me and have so much time. Seek counseling, surround yourself with healthy people, do things that make you happy. These things will not erase the bad memories, but they will make your journey through life so much easier.<br />
<br />
God Bless!

"i cant find it in myself to hate any one even the ones who hurt me, i have so much compassion for people and often give buskers or homeless people my last dollar, and will help anyone any time."<br />
<br />
. . . these are some of the most beautiful words I have ever heard and I am proud of you to hear you say them. You have a good heart my child, live your life in acceptance, forgiveness and kindness no matter what people may do or say about you, try not to respond in like manner, strangely, people have their own problems, they are not your concern, and know this from a 78 years old grandfather, I Love You little one please believe me. I do hope that we we can talk some more and establish a freindship even tho' we live thousands of miles apart, distance knows no limitations where love is concerned, nor does age and gender.<br />
<br />
Heart to heart I send much love to you across the miles.<br />
<br />
Tommy.x.

hi,<br />
i read your story and I understand your pain. Trauma is extremely difficult to carry. i had some abuse as a child ( nothing like yours) but it impacted on me and my life in enormous ways. I never went for counselling until recently ( i am 38) and so i battled the hard way through all the problems I brought on myself due to my mixed up inner state etc. For eg I struggled to find safe places to live for years and years. I would always choose the mixed up landlord , roommates etc. I have finally broken that cycle ( since about 4 years ago. I am still in the cycle of attracting the wrong men but its improving and I feel I may be finally breaking that cycle. My therapist is helping. All i can say is heal yourself as much as you can, therapy, yoga, healthy habits, positive friends etc, don't lose to much of your life living in the darkness of the grip your past has on you. I know its not easy and u may not even know where to begin. A great therapist is a fantastic place to start.<br />
<br />
Re Dr 999, he is a cruel insensitive person. I have encountered many like him. They are drawn to your pain and have no empathy or compassion, instead they want to keep you down. They do not want your light to come up. I have had these types come into my life whenever I am trying to make a big positive step. try to pull me back down into the misery. I commend you for taking action by getting him reported. Well done. From personal experience I know how hard it is to get the words of these tormentors out of your heart and mind. It's so hard to be strong against the onslaught. You will make it though, fill your heart with love, appreciation and forgiveness. FOrgive him for his foolish cruel remarks and you will find peace and he will be null and void. <br />
peace love gratitude forgiveness and harmony to you

block him if you can and delete his comments.. he's obviously sick. while i cannot fully understand all that you have been through i can understand some of it. i am still living with my mom though and she's pretty crazy so. everyone thinks she's such a good person but she's not and no one would ever do anything about our situation she even sometimes pushes us to call CPS, she thinks its funny. shes always saying shes not abusing us and it could be much worse so they wont do anything. the police dont really seem too involved or smart if they kept sending you back after you ran away. i mean didnt they think you ran away for a reason?<br />
but yeah, dont give up. u've got friends here continue to share your experiences there are more good people than bad on this site and just in the world in general.<br />
um beijo<br />
-mickey

doctor999 i have reported you and am going to do my very best to get you booted of this site, you have no right to threaten me THAT IS ABUSE please stop posting comments on my story, you are a nobody you are a sick individual who likes to pee his pants so dont come on here and make comments on storys that you have no understanding of. it was hard enough for me to tell my story as well as many others and we do not need someone like you spreading nastiness and making us feel unsafe, so go away

ok that is just sickening he DOES like watching girls pee blah! :(( and i want to give u a hug 2 after everything that happened 2 u.it's so sad.

let it be.Dont fight with your past as well as don't afriad of your lonelyness.Only few peoples in the world get time to be alone and think of their own.so you are really lucky and this is the reason for your compassion towards every people.Being alone is bitter in the beginning but always sweet at the end,when you accept it and aware.To me your are one of the luckiest person in the world.Don't afraid of your past.take care

silentnighttears i am so sorry that you have to read something like that from a nobody i checked out his profile and the only experiances he shared is that he likes to watch girls pee, it just goes to show how sick and awfull he really is, he has no right to comment on something he has never experianced or even understands and i too would like to see him booted of this site, i too am a child abuse victim and just joined up to this site but i am now very reluctant to share my story. please do not listen to him he is a mean and selfish man who gets his kicks of hurting people much love to you and stay strong xxxx

Silentnighttears, take no notice of doctor999 (you would wonder why he gives himself that name) he is most probably a paedophile who does not want to hear the truth. Why else would he write what he did. You really have to take no notice of people like this and I would like to see him booted off of this site. Your story was not badly written and I had tears in my eyes when I first read it. I often think at night of all the poor abused children in this world and wish there was something I could do to help.

how can you say that you mean person who do you think you are, i am 26 years old and maybe its poorly written because i havent done much schooling at all for obviouse reasons, you dont know me if you want i can email you my docs and police reports and i hope it makes you feel really bad because you have really upset me and destroyed any faith i had in this site, i came on here to tell my story and share my exeriances with people who have been through the same sort of situation, its people like you that should not be on here, you are sad and pathetic and you have no right to call me a fake when you do not know anything about me. have a great day

I was so sad to read your story. Being neglected is bad enough without being sexually abused. I have seen this uncontrollable rage in my own niece who was also abused. I am glad that you didnt start taking drugs to hide your pain, as your own child would be reliving your life. I hope that your relationship with your child is special so that the end outcome is that your child grows up to be okay with life. Good luck and there are lots of decent people out there who would love to give you a hug to try to take away some of your pain.

Alliwant todois throw my arms around you and hug you, you have had a tough start to life, but you have come through the otherside, while your pain may never leave you, your determination to get on shines through. I cant begin toi magine how you feel, or the pain you have raging inside you, but you are not alone, if you ever feel you need a reason to go on,look at your child. Be strong. If you ever need a friend Imhere xxxxxxxx

Hi. I'm a doctor of psychology, and i know a great deal about child development. in spite of your very sad story, i want you to know that there is a very bright light in your life. you probably know that the only positive relationship you ever had as a child was with your original step-dad. he was the one who was the most loving toward you and your siblings, and the one who set down your foundation for love as a human being. i call this person the Prime Love Giving parent, or PLG in a child's life.<br />
<br />
In order to heal your wounds and sadness, you must come to terms with all your losses, of which there are many. i'm also talking about loss such as things that any child is entitled to, but you were never given - time, love, consideration, respect, etc. If necessary, you should try to deal with or "mourn" the loss of these realities, perhaps with the help of a therapist. Your siblings should do the same.<br />
<br />
More than this though, you were lucky enough to have one parent who once loved you, and you probably benefited the most b/c you were the oldest. If possible, I would advise you to try to reach him and bring him back into your life in any way that is possible. If he is alive, you should try to track him down and, without asking too much of him, realize that there is loving humanity out there. His presence will remind you that there are positive things in life, and it will help you to soothe your pain, even though I understand full well that you are not the type to begrudge your later "parents" or hold anger toward them. <br />
<br />
If your siblings were attached to him, try to bring him back into their lives as well, even just for a short period of time - a visit, a short meeting reassurance, and some possible intermittent contact if he is at all willing. <br />
<br />
I wish you best of luck.

You are a very special person. I can't imagine going through everything u went through. You didn't deserve to be treated that way. Stay strong & god bless!