Child Abuse Survivor Still Lost

I was physically and emotionally abused. My dad was controlling and a mean drunk that got worse when my mom and him divorced. My mom kept it all together and was a good mother until I was 8. Thats when she started inviting men over while dad was working 3rd shift. Also at that time she gave birth to my brother Mark. She'd have these men over blaring music and sometimes sneaking in my room to hurt me. I fought back once hitting a man over the head with a broom well my mom looked at me as if she didnt believe me when I told her. After that I never told her again. I remember her one time taking me out in the middle of the night to some truckers truck and told me to go to bed on this cot in the truck which she and this man layed next to me ******* all night. I was 9 n i woke up to my dad yelling, he had found my mom in bed with a man who was naked in his bed. He picked him up by his hair and litterally threw him out his house. He told mom she had to leave and he was selling the house.  He then grabbed us up and took us to his moms to stay. When my parents were married all my dad did was get drunk when he got home and would yell at mom and tried to controll her. I think thats why mom did what she did, but what she did afterwards I wont forgive. Sometime after they divorced she took me and dad took my brother. Well my life was filled with her living with this man, that man, bars, and filled with abuse these men would give me, while she never got anything but a high. She would drop me off and leave me with strangers or leave me alone fending for myself for days. No ONE ever called children services I wish they had. I would have if I had known about it back then. I'd also be dropped off with my dad where he would be drunk by time I got off school and demand me to get him a beer, do dishes, cook, not do this and would just yell out demands all the time and he would question me about my mom. Then alot my mom would get hard up have no where to go and come crying back to my dad where he would take her in. They both would stop drinking for a few days or few weeks, and everything went back to the way it was. Dad drinking and mom taking me and a cab out to some mans house. She married one man she went out with and had another baby. Everything was Awesome that first year after he was born. Neither one drank.  The fighting started and mom started to drink and do pills which she payed for by my child support check.  Rick her husband said F in and started drinking too. They both then would go out for days a week one time leaving me to take care of my brothers. I had to steal food to get us sometthing to eat. We never had food anyway. I got sick of it but thats all I could do and at least i wasnt being sexually n physically abused anymore.  My step dad decided he wanted to quit drinking and get right, well my mom didnt want to quit, so he left her and took his son and never came back. I never saw my brother whom i raised again. My other brother was sent to dad to live at age 5. My mom  took me and went to a shelter to live after the divorce. Where she lied saying she was abused. My mom went out and got drunk and came back to the shelter drunk where they then kicked us out.  She went crying to my dad again. Yes he took her back. She left once again but did it while I was in school. She left me with my dad who was a monster. He would treat me like I was his wife. Yea my dad took some LSD and raped me where I got pregnant and adopted him out to a very close friend of mine who had life all together. He adopted him because I was afraid of what would happen to my child being raised by someone I dont know.

Well I went in and out of at least 12 different schools, Im surprised the state didnt catch on.  No the abuse didnt end at age eighteen. It never ended til I was 22 or 23  for I was abused by 2 other people in my life one I dated one I did not. There I was severly beaten. Made to live in really bad conditions and truely scared for my life. I finally decided to get it together for myself. I had a daughter at 23 which really changed my life. Im now 30. I cant forgive my mom and definitely not my dad for how they've selfishly raised me. My mom now lives by herself but has alot of mental issues, she was diagnosed with Bi-Polar, she's also lies to get attention or for someone anyone to feel sorry for her, I think she does this for the guilt she carries and it makes her feel better about herself. She thinks something is wrong with her everyday. My dad lives with his mom and sometimes stays with my mom. He is a paranoid Schitsophrenic...sorry cant spell it... He is constantly paranoid and talks to people who arent there. He still gets drunk but not on a daily basis. My mom quit drinking ten years ago and thats when she became glued to the house and will barely leave but shes on all sorts of pain pills and nerve pills..

I have lots of issues, I suffer from anxiety, I am overly affectionate with my parter now of 2 years. I fear I suffocate my partner maybe because I fear she's gonna leave me. I have trust issues. I have looked thru her phone and computer when we first got together and found notes of her flirting with a woman who is also gay that works with her, just the other day she bought an expensive butterfly necklace and lied to me about it. Later told me she was afraid Id get mad if she told me a co worker asked her to pick him out something for his wife for the co worker dont have a car to get his wife something. I dont know what to think. I dont have the highest self esteem how am I ever gonna regain it back. I fear she will leave me for this woman who is actually being abused right now by her husband but wants out, but she is independant, very intelligent for I've read books yes books she's written, she's got a wild side, a sense of humor, dont get jealous, dont have a low self esteem if she does she dont show it. She knows all about cars, can sew, can write, is a good mother, a good person. Well my girlfriend and her are really close and at one time my girlfriend wrote her and told her she was inlove with her. She talked to her and said she felt the same way too but is married and nothing can come of it although she feels this way. For her son is really sick and she needs her husbands insurance along with hers to keep the son alive. My girlfriend thinks I should think nothing of it and accept that they are just best friends. She will have my girlfriend pick her up stuff or she offers to get her stuff.. She gave her this pen I fell inlove with. She gave it to her and lied to me about it saying it was in her locker at work but it was on this womans desk. My girlfriend was physically abused when she was a child and i feel she dont wanna break my heart and leave me although she's told me to leave and was serious a few times but I cried and cried and asked for another chance and I started taking anxiety meds and feel somewhat better. I really just dont know what to think. What to believe. N why would she have me here and really be inlove with another woman. Which she left me once telling me she was inlove with her and had to tell her that she was still inlove with her and she cant stop thinking about her. So I left and moved to my moms and she wrote me saying she missed me and it was just infatution. After I came back it was still the same. She still was secretive with her phone going in the bathroom for 20 to 30 min 4 times or more a day on the weekend. She puts a lock on her phone. She downloads these songs ringtones that all say i wish you were here or I miss your arms around my neck, or my girl is in the other room i wish it was you. She just says they are just songs they dont mean nothing. But one day she wrote her sent her a song saying I always think of you when I play this song and sent it to her. It was I wanna come over by melissa etheridge. She now has it as a ringtone and she told me once she only likes rock songs because Iasked if she would put a song on her phone for me. I dunno I feel Im battling being with my own girlfriend. She gets aggraavated alot. Shes not affectionate towards me. She dont wanna make love hardly. Am I wrong what should I do. She has me thinking I am paranoid. But Am I? I am happy with her but I do way more for her than she does me. Is it my abuse that has me thinking things. I just pray its all found out that I have proof proof its true.

AbbyM AbbyM
2 Responses Jul 20, 2009

Hi there<br />
<br />
I think your girlfriend may want to be cut lose. It is difficult to leave a relationship. She probably cares deeply for you and does not want to hurt you. But you will not know unless to ask her. She may be afraid to talk with you if you have been highly anxious in the past.<br />
I suggest you talk to her about your feelings and needs in the relationship. If you want to stay with her tell her just that and ask her if that is what she wants too. That will give you a place to begin a discussion. Try to avoid attacking and arguing with her about her behaviours... If you can talk it through calmly you will find it easier to find the answers you are seeking.<br />
<br />
(If this does not feel accurtate then disregard.)<br />
<br />
Hope things work out for you hun.<br />
warm regards<br />

i think your partener wants the best of two worlds, i would try to get a new circle of freinds and build up your strengh and self asteem, i know its not easy and it can be hard, thats what im trying to do myself, but hopefully, i will have enough respect for myself that i can be a social butterfly, and hopefully you will too.