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I Am Still Coping With My Childhood Abuse It Does Not Go Away

I have nightmares of what I was put through from the age of 8 up until I was 17 years old. The memories do not go away they stay with you for ever.

The first time that I was sexually abused by my very own uncle he told me not to tell anyone otherwise he would kill me as well as the people who I told. I became a very lonely and scared girl who did not know who to trust let alone who to turn to for help.

I have constant nightmares of what I was put through and it does not help that I know that each day it will not get any better for the pain that I was put through runs deep, very deep inside of me. I normally don't tell people what I was put through, let alone how much it has effected me.

I am a survivor of sexual abuse, yet I am constantly reminded of it each and every day that I am awake as I am too scared too go to sleep because the nightmares return and they do not stop.

Oh the pain of it all. It is a constant reminder of what I was put through. I had 6 of my family members sexually abuse me. I hardly talk to them and if I do there is no way that I can ask them why they did it as they really do not know themselves. It is a price that I pay each and every day that I live.

Most nights I lay awake because of the pain and suffering that I am still going through. It has been a thorn in my side for a very long time as well as a constant reminder of my pain, hurt, anger and suffering.

Not only am I dealing with what I have been through I am also helping my daughter deal with her sexual abuse from her natural father. I therefore ended up with a double whammy on both sides of the fence.

I never thought that my daughter would ever go through what I was put through for so many years that has destroyed my life completely. It goes to show that sexual abuse is really swept under the carpet and kept behind closed doors as no one in society really wants to know you if you have been sexually abused by someone.

When my step father sexually abused me and it came out in the open all my mother could say to me was that she knew that something was going on, no wonder a persons nerves are completely and totally shot to the point where they cannot focus on anything let alone concentrate on the things that they really love doing.

The way I see it at the moment and I really love the saying is that it is crap on my hard drive that is taking up too much room, it is time for me to sort it out and move on with my life. No more mrs nice woman as enough is enough.

fantasia098 fantasia098 31-35, F 5 Responses Sep 5, 2009

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i find myself wanting to read your story<br />
but when i have it in front of me and start<br />
reading it i feel your pain and cant continue<br />
because it reminds me so much of my pain i,<br />
feel for you...(another survivor)

I hope you're wrong about the majority.

Dear, you need to be nice to yourself first. Take care of yourself and love yourself as if you were your own child. Protect yourself. I was also abused as a child and that's what's worked for me. I couldn't count on anyone in my family to love me or care for me, or even have my own best interests at heart, so I had to learn how to do it for myself and that's made the biggest positive difference in my life. I had to learn that I am worth something. You're not alone. There are quite a few of us out here - I actually think we're in the majority, that were abused during our childhoods.

I'm very sorry. My Mom was also sexually abused as a child. It started when she was six and ended when she was 12. She's already 59 and she still cries whenever she remembers what she was put through. Sadly, she also became an abuser, although not a sexual abuser. She abused me and my siblings emotionally, psychologically and sometimes even physically. (She spat on my face once and never apologized for what she did. The only reason she did that was because she wanted money and I wouldn't give her any.) I, too, am a recovering abuse victim.<br />
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I believe that we, abuse victims, should actively seek healing. I agree with surefirehorse66 -- going to a counselor is a good idea. We should also take steps to make peace with the past. I know that this is easier said than done, but that's the only way for us to move forward unburdened by our painful and tragic experiences.<br />
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I also believe in breaking the cycle of abuse. We, abuse victims, tend to have low self esteem therefore we attract abusers into our lives. I guess we all have to work toward regaining our self respect. <br />
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Finally, we should look to the future. What happened in the past can never be changed. But the past is dead. The future is yet to be and we are in the living present. I also speak for myself when I say this -- let's give ourselves a future that we can look forward to.<br />
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My heart goes out to you and your daughter. I pray for your healing and send you my love.

You and your daughter should go to counseling to help you sort through your feelings and to develop tools that will help you to cope with what you've been through. It will increase your chances of finding a healthy relationship down the road. Sadly we tend to pick mates that we think are good but that continue the cycle of abuse. You need a chance to reduce the heavy burden you are carrying to a more managble level and your daughter needs a chance to heal in a way that will minimize the damage done to her. You being there for her is huge and she will always remember how you had her back and supported her. I know counseling comes up a lot but I can tell you that the right counselor can do wonders. My sister was really messed up as she suffered the worst of the abuse from my step dad and we had doubts whether she'd make it because her scars ran so deep. It took her a while but she went to counseling and she was able to work through things and reclaim her life. It is possible!