Be Careful What You Pray For!

 It's not that I was glad to see them go. I just had to see for myself to make sure they were dead. I never cried,  I just never felt anything at all, ever!


When my mom got hysterical, I could sometimes calm her down by getting into the bed with her and give her a massage. Usually she would go into convolutions just before passing out.  Her convolutions   were actually *******. Stupid 5 year old! 

My dad would make his children keep his friends company. Each of us would beg not to go but he’d yell at us, call us selfish  and say we were embarrassing him by putting up a fuss. We got molested by some of those friends. 


Nobody would ever ask why Three of his children would try to kill themselves at one time or another.  One would eventually succeed. She was older than I, but was the closest in age to me and I loved her to death..  I was the baby and was the quiet one and I would grow up to be an apathetic empathetic. I could read people pretty good.  That managed to keep me from getting into many a fix!  I must have looked like I was really dumb because I couldn’t remember anything!  Sometimes I would actually forget what I was doing in the middle of doing something. Still do.  But I was just numb then. Still am. Now,  I get away by calling them “Brain Farts”.  Age has it’s privileges. 


  I always wondered if my experiences were ever going to help somebody by keeping them from killing themselves. Once, I promised my mother I would never grow up so she wouldn't shoot herself.  I said I would stay a sweet little boy who could brighten up her life, for the rest of mine. Who would have thought the survival skills that kept me alive as a child would one day hold me back from living?  


I had a knack of  totally blacking out. Never remembering a thing! There also was a time when I thought not remembering my complete childhood was the worst thing in the world. They had stolen my life. Then, there would be other times I would have given anything to just curl up in a corner and die because I couldn't remember anything else except being abused.  I should have been careful about what I prayed for. 


That’s my story, and I’m sticking to it!
Bonocular Bonocular
56-60, M
1 Response Feb 11, 2010

Thank you. 8-) This memory thing, I either remember my childhood, or I don't. When I do, I only remember the abuse, not the ice cream cone or the pony ride. Total blank. If its anything like selected memory, I sure make lousy choices! When I do remember, its not like flashbacks or anything. It's more like," I remember something when I was 5. I was ....bla bla bla". and the bla bla bla is more abusive incidents. I do have flashbacks I guess. Usually watching TV involving guns. They aren't as extreme as they use to be. I just close my eyes and shudder, goose bumps and the like. If someone wasn't looking right at me when this happened, it might not even be noticed. Thankyou for your friendship, and your continued stories and courage!!