Growing Up Too Quickly

I am a 19 year old girl who relives the experience I went through all the time.

My story begins when I was about 2 or 3 years old. I can still remember the first time. My cousin who was about 7 or 8 years older was only a child himself. We would play together, like kids do. Mums and dads. Every young girl pretends to be a mummy with her dolls. Well the experience of mums and dads became too real. My cousin told me to lay in bed with him holding me as ''that's what mums and dads do''. At first I'd tell him I don't like this game so he wouldn't push it, buh at some point, he told me to just keep playing. So we'd be laying on this bed after I'd 'put my baby to sleep' and his hands slowly crept across my body. This would go on for what felt like years. Our parents only downstairs.

Over time, as I got older, he got braver. When I was about 6 years old, I had my first experience of oral sex. I hated every moment but I was too scared to tell anyone. As we grew up, I experienced more sexual acts. He would even do things with people in the room, touching me slyly while I would squirm and move around the room. My first kiss was with him, his tongue forcing itself into my mouth. Although he never actually had sex with me, these acts were just as bad.

The abuse eventually stopped when I was 10. At this point, I was a broken and damaged young girl. Over the next 3 years, the secret ate me up. I would replay every moment in my head, alwayz crying.

When i was 13, it became too much for me to cope with. I told my form tutor. It was now out of my hands. The police became involved and my parents informed. They were brilliant at first. Supporting me and helping me. I began councelling, slowly building myself up. But it didn't last long. I didn't press charges as all I could think of was my exams and how stressful my life would become.

From then on, everyone forgot what happened. My aunties and uncles forcing me to sit in the same room as him, acting like nothing had happened. Even my parents seem to have forgotten. I was 14 and trying to cope with how i felt and it became too much. I began self-harming. I still have the scars over my legs.

The next 3 years were hell. My friends were there for me and i continued councelling but I was going in and out of depression, still self-harming. I felt worse than before, wanting to talk and cry to my mum but couldn't. I now had a front on where everyone thought i was this happy go lucky, bubbly girl. Underneath i was breaking down, thinking about suicide, asking god why I had to be in this situation.

The lowest point was 2 years ago. 17 years old and depressed. I stopped eating and sleeping, locking myself in ma room. My friends were more worried than my parents. My counsellor wanted to talk to my mum so when I told her I was depressed, she laughed, told me I didn't know the meaning of the word. She eventually came to see my counsellor. When she told my mum I had been self-harming, she didn't even blink. To this day, my mum's never mentioned it. After that session, my mum told me to get over it. That's when I decided I would live my life for myself. It's made me stronger and I can now cope better. I know that my mum didn't know how to cope with it buh that hurt me more than the abuse. She didn't protect me during and she isn't after but I've learnt to live with it. With the help of my friends and their continued support, I can now talk about it and I'm starting to move on. I've even stopped self-harmimg.

My childhood was taken away from me and I had to grow up too quick but that's made me who I am now and I am trying to live my life and make something of myself. I am now at university and would like to work with the police as a profiler. I still find myself getting upset every now and again but everyone needs a cry from time to time. My scars are physical, emotional and mental. They won't go away but they have began fading. I wanted to share my story to say you're not alone. My friends helped me. Talk to someone.
xSilentTearsx xSilentTearsx
18-21, F
Feb 12, 2010