My Story.....

My story is long, as I'm sure is always the case with someone who was abused. The one person who is supposed to love you no matter what is the one person who abused me, my mother. There is so much to this I dont even know where to begin. I havent spoken to her in seven years & honestly leaving her was the best thing I have ever done for myself. I feel tormented with memories & feel like I missed out on having a normal life. I'm angry most of the time but once in a while it changes to being sad. I feel stuck in life, I feel like I'm not moving forward & it's hard.

I left my mother when I was a Junior in high school. I got an apartment with my boyfriend at the time who was in high school part time as well. I worked part time & so didnt he. At this point in my life I wasnt doing drugs but he was. I made it point in my life to stay clean but the only reason I stayed clean is because of my mother. I spent 16 years trying to please this women & no matter what I did nothing worked she never was happy. I was a wholesome student & kid, I didnt dare step out of line too much for fear that I would only disappoint her even more. She also had a horrible habbit of kicking me out of her house. I'm now 23 years old & honestly have moved 30 or more times in my life.

I guess I'll start with some memories of my abuse. There are so many things that I remember from my older years but I've blocked out my childhood. I do remember when I was a little girl maybe 4 possibly 5 at the time crying. I would cry asking I guess God but I'm not sure who to give me a new mother. I dont remember what things she was doing to me at the time to make cry out for help like this but I know that if things were happy & dandy I wouldnt have been crying out like this at such a young age. Once she caught me crying in my bed I still can see her swing open the door to my bedroom with that look on her face the look that tells me she is not pleased with me. She then in that harsh voice tells me I have no reason to be crying & to go to bed then slams the door shut. I never cried loud enough for her to hear me from that point forward. I still cried a lot though just late at night & into my pillow & very quietly.

One thing that sticks out in my mind is the old kitchen table my parents used to have. It was white & again I was maybe 5 or so. My parents were still married & I was sitting at the table rubbing my finger over a black hole in it. I asked my mother about the hole & she said something like see how mean my father is that they were fighting & he stabbed the table with a knife. At that time in my life this scared me I didnt understand any of this stuff then. As I got older & found out that she had been lying about many things in my life I dont know weather I believe her answer to that stupid hole in the table or not.

I remember when I was 6 my parents got divorced. I remember my mom sitting me down to tell me but I dont recall being upset. I think even at that young age I knew it was for the best or something. After the divorce I did the whole spend week days with my mother & weekends with my father. One time while I was at my fathers house & mother came over there we got into an argument again I was maybe 6 or 7 at this point. She got mad enough at me that she yelled "oh yeah well santa claus isnt real neither is the easter bunny". I feld up the stairs to my room crying & I remember hearing my father go "now why did you do that." What parent does this?

The next memory I have was the begining of the whole kicking me out of her house game. I was in 3rd grade. I remember at this stage in my life having fun on the playground, playing board games with the old people (we lived in a low income place that was full of old people living alone), playing with barbies & such. I dont remember having arguments with her I even remember her reading me stories before bed sometimes. It's so strange because when I think of this place that we lived in I remember being happy or having fun & content. Well thsi was the first time she kicked me out of her house. She told me I was going to live with my father. She packed up my stuff my father came to get me & got into his van. As he pulled out of the driveway she was crying & waving & stuff. She just kicked out her 3rd grade child I dont understand why the hell she was crying.

.... well I think that is all the energy I have right now to write out my story. There is so much more & this first time being kicked out was the begining of the worse part of my life.

mel30248 mel30248
22-25, F
2 Responses Mar 4, 2010

Wow you have been threw a lot.

My prayers goahead