Boyhood ****** From My Father

I never could remember anything about my childhood. I have always had problems with severe anxiety and big time trust issues,as well as being painfully shy and sensitive. I never thought anything about it, just that I was different from other people, but after getting married, my wife suspected that something happened to me during my childhood. She pursuaded me to try to see someone about this so I did. I went to a therapist who used a technique on me called emdr. It took several sessions, i guess for me to build my trust and feel comfortable with the therapist, but once this happened, horrible memories came flooding back. I was only a young boy about in the third grade when the abuse from my father started but it went on for at least 3 years. He would come into my room late at night and many times wake me up in order to sexually abuse me in multiple ways too disgusting and triggering to mention here. I still have anxiety and fear of the dark this many years later. Resistance lead to mild physical abuse. My memories also revealed that my mother knew what was going on but did not stop it or try to protect me. Instead, she would get onto me for being so shy and scared of everything and how being a boy it was not normal for me to cry so easily as well as only hang around and have friends that were girls. I never had any counselling during this time but what I did have was stomach ulcers when I was in the 3rd and 5th grades, panic attacks (especially at night), irritable bowel as a child, and several phobias, the big one being not being able to go to a dentist (due to bad gagging when they put anything in my mouth). I continued with the emdr therapist who tried to help me recover from the childhood trauma but had to move and find a new therapist. This one was not good and would basically tell me that the problems that I continue to have such as fear of men, anxiety around men, continued trust issues, shyness, sensitivity and my phobias( oh and did I fail to mention, sexual problems),  are irrational. Apparently, you are supposed to get over it once the trauma stops. Needless to say, I stopped going to therapy. Once any trust that I have given someone is broken, no matter how trivial it may have been, its over. I am a little better that I was several years ago but there are many things that continue to affect my life (mainly all the problems mentioned previously). even though I don't want them to. My wife is supportive but doesn't understand some of the thing I do (unless you actually experience this type of abuse, I guess it would be hard to try to understand). I find myself at times starting to feel like maybe the therapist was right. Maybe I am some type of freak that can't let go something that happened to me many years ago. Oh well, thats my story.
ShadowColt ShadowColt
41-45, M
1 Response Jul 10, 2010

Not a freak. This stuff really does make you very suspicious, nontrusting and cynical. Me, I'm happy being nontrusting, suspicious, and cynical. *Shrug* Your mileage may vary.<br />
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My abuse got woven into who I am. It was awful, but as long as my happy pills are working, I like myself.<br />
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Organic depression is a pain.<br />
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You should try to find a therapist who specializes in PTSD-that second guy you went to is a quack.<br />
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(I mean-saying something's irrational? come on! you're a therapist! your whole job is to deal with the nonrational side of humanity!)