He Got 8 Years!

So here i am forcing myself to write again to empty some thoughts from my brain on to digital format.

First things first, my father who sexually abused me from the ages of 3-4 till 13-14 was convicted on 10th August to 8 years in jail, that was the maximum sentence for the charges that was brought against him, however i was convinced due to his age he would only be sentenced for a few month so initially the 8 years was a mega result however i am aware that if only my brain wasn't such a foggy mess then there would have been more charges brought against him. However i cant dwell on this fact, i know justice has been served the best it could under the limited information i was able to delve up from the swamp of my mind and that in itself is has served its purpose, i never wanted that bastard to go to his death bed thinking i forgot what evil things he put me through, and i got my chance to say that in court. i hope they words stick in his head with every passing day that takes him closer to meeting his maker to face untimate judegement.

Today however, im sitting here feeling useless, my partner is away to work in manchester and im thinking i dont deserve such a beautiful wonderful woman who looks after me so well and keeps me safe, i want to be independant and able to face society everyday, earning a living and growing up, instead im a bit of a wreck with other ppl, i start of brilliantly in new jobs and then the self doubt settles in and i start feeling like ppl dont like me, there saying snide comments, using me for there own gain with no consideration, generally victimised by insensitive persons. These feelings usually set in after i feel my ability to have a voice is taken away from me,choices are not given and there is most definetly no consideration of mental health. For example:

Since being to court, i was signed of work with Adjustment reaction disorder and i've always suffered 'depressive episodes', (as the doctor calls it), while we were waiting on the bastard being sentenced, there was a period of 8 weeks between being found guilty and being sentenced. My employer has made things very difficult for myself. For example making blatant snide comments on her facebook and snooping through my facebook to see comments etc, when i sent her my 2nd 4week sick note there was comments on her facebook stating basically, ' guess im a complete wrong judge of character, only 4 weeks left. and its amazing what you can find out on ppls facebook'....so what im not depressive because im able to communicate via family and friends on a social networking site. She has been like this since she found out i needed time of to travel to Glasgow for the court case even though she knows what the court case was aabout and who abused me, She said herself to my partner that she thought i would need some therapy and time after the court case as it would open many different gates of emotions. I
genuinly feel victimised by my employer for my mental health and my life situation. Before this time i had had nil time of work for ilness etc and had been there to cover all shifts she needed me for and i was the most reliable member of staff.

It leaves me scratching my head.... is the world really that insensitive and self motivated, for me its how i see the world now, through doubting eyes and wondering if new ppl i meet are genuine, i usually follow my gut instint, but i dont want to spend my life so deeply mistrustful and insular.

So back to how im feeling today, the rain is now pouring down in straight sheets from the sky sending me a sensation of cleansing, like its trying to wash away my self doubts but only myself keeps holding onto these feelings as i think its only retaining these feelings that is going to make me shift myself out this pit and into the smiling future with my amazing wife. Its not like im sitting here with no idea about where i want to be going, im university educated, passionate, have strong beliefs and hardworking, its just about finding the pennies to be going there. Hence the work front...i want to have the chance to lift the stress from my wife and let her see that i want to give as much as she is able to give, just i have real issues with ppl. Maybe i am moving in that direction now, i feel days of hope that things are moving along, slowly but slowly slow instead of running in there with no preparation, as i know if you fail to prepare then your prepared to fail.

Im rambling on again and again, maybe i'll learn in time how best to wrap up my rambles but in the mean time my brain has ran out of steam and im going to close off now.

Please feel free to comment if you fancy.

Love & Angels.

GingersTinytoes GingersTinytoes
26-30, F
3 Responses Aug 12, 2010

i can relate. it has taken me 37 years to realize, people really are cruel. i no longer have faith in family and friends. i work like a dog, not to let anyone down and yet, they all always end up letting me down. i no longer have faith in people. im not setting myself up for anymore disappointments

would go to the Equal Opportunity Office and turn the Emploeyer in. She has no right to your FB site. It's private! She is in limbo of it and it's professional unethical. I also would seek some counseling with a good counselor. Good luck

Ginger, how can we help you? don't mind the length. Write, write and write more. Add me as a friend so we can correspond if you wish. Recovery is perfectly possible with effort and some work and perhaps, a bit of help along the way. We care.<br />