And I Forgave Him

I was 8 years old. My parents and their best friends were playing cards as usual for a saturday night. Their friends had a son who was 13. I had known him all my life, and actually had kind of a crush on him. We watched tv in my room for about an hour when he asked me if my dad still had "those magazines" under the bed. I was well aware of the magazines, I had looked at them a lot when I was alone. They were mostly naked girls, but some showed girls spreading their legs and touching boys. We looked at them for a while before he asked me if I wanted to try some of this kind of stuff in the pictures. I had no idea about actual sex. I reluctantly agreed. He told me to pull down my pants and lay on the bed. I was scared but I trusted him, and did what I was told. He knelt down next to the bed and started licking my vagina and anal opening. I actually enjoyed the feeling and loved his special attention. This went on for a short time and he stood up and took out his penis. He instructed me to put it in my mouth and I did. I didn't know what it was called but I didn't like it very much. He eventually ********** into my mouth and I gagged and spit. He laughed and said it was normal. We watched tv the rest of the night nad that was it. A few weeks later he tried to have intercourse with me. It really hurt but he got inside of me and ********** again. For some reason our parents quit playing cards and I didn't see him again for two years. I was now 10, and my parents said we were going over to their house. I was really scared and embarassed to see him again. We watched MTV for a while and he asked me if I ever told anybody about what we did. I told him I had not. And then for some reason I said "I bet we could never get away with that again" It was my idea this time. What in the hell was wrong with me? We performed oral sex on each other. Then we had intercourse several times. I actually had an ******.Jump ahead a few years now I'm 14. I have been guilt ridden about this for years. I felt like I had caused everything. I wanted to feel the same security and acceptance I thought I felt when I was with him. I started have sex with multiple partners, but never felt the same. I started drinking and using drugs. At 16 I was in drug rehab 3 times. I never told anyone about what we did together. I saw him last month. He apologized. I forgave him. Am I insane. I must be crazy.
oknow oknow
36-40, F
1 Response May 10, 2012

Takes a big person to forgive and you did that nothing insane about it. That is the first step to healing. I wish you well