The Brown Eyed Toddler

Ages 2-4 years of age. My step father who has the name of a zodiac sign took out whatever disgustingly thing that was wrong with him, out on me. My mother was a nurse and worked every day, leaving me and my older brother in the care of that sick monster. Multiple times day he would force me to have sex with him, animals, and other relatives around my age. We lived on a farm with very few neighbors, and from the main road you could see the side of the house and the front door faced the driveway. .......It was very isolated. He would make me have sex with our family dog... He would rub feces all over me, urinate on me and tie me to a slowly dying and fragile apple tree very close to a little pond. Some days he would sit in a rusty lawn chair and throw apples at me saying "you like it saucy don't you". I was naked and always living in terror. I was coached by him to keep it a secret. We had a ritual before mom came home. He would make sure I was bathed and ready for "rehearsal". Enduring the awfulness during the day was easy. It was where I could cry if I wanted to, or kick, or scream. Sure there were consequences…. If I were to try crying to my mom, the one with the zodiac sign name would have killed me and my family…. And yes I truly believe to this day as a 28 year old, that he would’ve done that. He would kill animals that roamed around our yard, in torturous ways and showing me what he would do to that person/s if I were to tell. At the back of the farm there’s a forest beyond the corn field. The zodiac sign name would put me in a wheel barrel and make me hold the animal, until we reached the grave site of all the tortured animals. I marked each grave with a noticeable fair size rock. There were days when He was drunk, though he never passed out just too buzzed to even walk straight. (It was always football playing on the TV he watched). On these days I would get out of the house. The temperature was nothing of worry to me. Most of the time I was naked which made it the hardest in the colder seasons. The bales of hay stacked behind the barn gave me shelter and a place to hide most days. The neighbors fence just a few feet away embracing snorting horses that always seemed to bring me bits of carrots or apples. The one horse I called angel. He was white and stayed close by me every time I was hiding amongst the hay. The neighbour’s home was located at the other side of that farm. I felt a sense of safety until one day he found me, dragged me out and beat me for the first time. I remember blood. I don’t remember where it come from.. my memory seems to have not yet uncovered that part yet. He went inside frustrated because now he had to give further effort to prepare me for that evening’s rehearsal. My mom pulled up in her car. She saw me naked, I had feces on my body, blood, urine, *****, and this was the first time she had seen me like this. She put me in her car, buckled me in and went inside and got my brother. She came out with some luggage and we headed to the hospital. I remember the doctor giving me finger puppets. I remember he had to put me under because I needed stitches in a very vulnerable place. Now I look at my 3 year old daughter, and I can’t imagine someone ever hurting a child that young, that innocent. I wish my husband was attentive to my hurt, but he deals with it by not talking about it. I can imagine that he does not want to deal with such disgusting memories knowing that it happened to the person he loves the most. As for my step father… He died last year, but yes the memory of him lives on…. I don’t want it to… I don’t like giving him power…. When I heard of his diabetic induced coma and then dying all alone in his living room with nothing but junk food all around him…….. I WAS HAPPY!!! It was the middle of the night and I called my mom to wake her up to tell her the news… I thought I was freed from all the fear I felt every day. The sense of “relief” lasted only until my next flashback (about a week) after his death. There have been times throughout my life when I have been raped or harassed or have made some pretty poor decisions, and yes I believe it was HIM who gave me the destiny to be a child of torture forever. Being tortured is where I feel most comfortable. It’s where I feel most at ease. It’s where I am now. Though I wish someone could hold me now and believe in me and just tell me the next step I need to take in my healing.. I’m just comfortable where I am.
Dellered Dellered
26-30, F
3 Responses May 24, 2012

Geeze what a sick monster he was, I am soo glad he is dead. Your really brave to share your story with us. Its horrible what you have had to endure :( sometimes it amazes me that despite the worst we as children went through we still have the ability to love. The fact that your married and have a child that you cherish shows what an amazing person you are. I'm sorry your husband doesn't support you the way you need to be. Have you ever considered telling him what you need? or perhaps if you are in therapy he could come to a session with you? And If your not I definitely think you should be so you can work through some of this, even if its only for a little bit. I just started therapy in February and it has been one of the hardest things I have ever had to do In my adult life but, in this short time I have made progress. This is a slow process. But I know one day we can find peace and be happy. I wish you the very best in your journey to heal.

Dear Miss Lily,<br />
<br />
When I explain about being tortured in this context, it is by flashbacks/nightmares that haunt me, but mostly by the people around me not giving me the source of support I need. ...especially from my husband. I have always been open with him and shared. Up until 4 years ago I never really knew how much he just didn't want to hear it. It has now been a year that I haven't opened up to him or anyone else in my life about how I'm doing, what I'm truly feeling or really what's bothering me. I do make obvious inclinations to my husband... I mean how many times I've cried myself to sleep and he just lays there pretending to be sleeping already.... I know his sleeping breathing pattern... I am awake while he sleeps. Anyway, a while after crying when I've wiped my tears I'll turn over and ask him something about something going on next week, etc... and he will answer as if he has been awake the entire time.... When I have no one around, especially when I need to talk to someone the most, I feel the deep and despairing feeling of loneliness I felt as a toddler when I was being abused. So whenever I feel lonely now, it brings me right back to my past and makes it "REAL" all over again.... Like right now I'm typing but I feel the desperate need to just be in a room with a therapist talking things out.... Even when I go to therapy my husband cracks jokes that I'm making out with him or her (because I'm bi-sexual) and it just proves he thinks it's a big joke... and that hurts because I was trying to do my best each and every time.... I found out last night when he told me that he's not even sure if there's even a God anymore. I started crying like crazy.... I told him i couldn't take another difference in our marriage... We are just two different people and the more time passes the more we grow apart. we love each other which makes it hard, but we just don't do anything together anymore... <br />
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I have recently moved to Aruba from Canada... Therapists here are expensive for the wages this island earns... We simply don't have the money for it and my husband is finally coming around to the idea of marriage counselling (after 3 years of asking him)... So I do feel "tortured" consistently whenever the person who is supposed to be my best friend won't even give me some "real" time... <br />
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I have such anxiety now and just need to relax... thanks for your support Miss Lily! <3

Wow, I can really relate to that! I had a similar (not the same) experience in the past. I can relate to the anxiety you describe too. I have had multiple anxiety attacks in the past. They would come in clusters it seems, mostly set off by the idea of being utterly alone with no one to talk to or care.
Of course you are going to have problems if he shows he really doesn't care. The most important thing for you to do is to realize you have choices. If you feel anxious you can call a friend, or a hotline, or go on here and write. Find outlets. You don’t' have to rely on him. You can make new friends and new connections. He is neglecting you and you don't have to put up with it. You don't have to stay with him. A marriage doesn’t and cannot exist where there isn't real love and healthy growth. If he refuses to try the choice is out of your hands. You don't not have to shoulder all the responsibility of trying. Don't feel misplaced guilt for what is outside of your control. Don't continue to put up with a relationship that withers you instead of nourishing.

I am very moved by your story. The people who are close to you need to be empathetic and loving. Not cut off and stifling. They need to be patient, open and supportive. This is crucial for you and your child because if you continue to be ignored, the suffering that results in you will spill over into your child's upbringing. Its is important that you find an outlet and a way to improve the communication and closeness of your relationship. <br />
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When you say "being tortured is where I feel most comfortable", do you mean literal torture by someone (who?) or that of the psychological kind you give yourself, or flash backs? <br />
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People always seem to feel most comfortable with what they are used to or what they are brought up. If they are brought up by people who drink a lot or smoke, they will, many times because that is what they are used to and it brings them a sense normal comfort or normal or something. It is hard to break out of the past, or out of old patterns. It is easy to go back to what you know.<br />
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To break free of old patterns (which we all must strive to do) you must change with will make you uncomfortable. You can change where you are now in comfortable yet unsatisfactory state in your relationship and psychologically (suffering flashbacks and reliving torture). The first step is making the decision to do so. Then you can find teachers and resources to help you train your mind to do this. <br />
I hope this post helps you!