The Abuse I Never Knew Existed

When I was about 4 years old, I became friends with my neighbor's son. He was around the same age as me. We played with each other almost every day, but always at his house, in his room. Not long after our first couple of play dates, he introduced me to a new kind of game. The rules were basically that I had to do whatever he said. He would tie me up or make me tie him up, make me lay on top of him so that his face was between my legs, touch me anywhere he wanted, and anything else that he thought up for me to do with him. This molestation continued for another 4 years. As I grew older, I realized that what he was doing was wrong, but I didn't know how to stop it. The only reason it all ended was because his family moved away.
As a result of this abuse, I did very strange things as a child. I would have sexual thoughts about both men and women, make my dolls do sexual things with each other, write stories about rape and torture, and touch myself. Observing my childhood in this way, it is clear that I showed signs of sexual abuse. My parents caught me touching myself a few times and punished me for it. My dad even took me to the doctor and they discussed my "strange" behavior in front of me. I think that it was this treatment of the behavior that convinced me that it was my fault.
I spent the next ten years of my life thinking that there was something wrong with me. I continued to have strange sexual thoughts and also started having nightmares about men coming into my room at night and raping me. Eventually I literally erased the memories from my mind. I knew that something inappropriate happened at my neighbor's house, but for some reason I blocked out the fact that he made me do those things. It wasn't until a few months ago, while I was watching a program about child sexual abuse, that I realized I was a victim.
If a person asked me before if I had suffered any trauma of this sort as a child, I would have easily and truthfully said no. I literally had no idea that it was abuse. In the back of my mind, I wrote it off as childhood curiosity. But when molestation happens regularly for 5 years, there is no excuse. Now that I know, I feel angry. My parents were aware of the warning signs for years but never thought that there was a cause except for me having issues. I grew up with a lot of psychological problems that I now know were caused by the abuse. The most frustrating thing about my past is that it robbed me of who I was supposed to be. I am in college, but have never had a relationship because I am too afraid to be affectionate with anyone. I also get anxious when I am alone with men or around strangers. Worst of all, I can't get through a day without thinking about it. It's always in the back of my mind.
nargals nargals
1 Response Sep 18, 2012

May god give you strength to get over this terrible experience. you may not know know me and i you,but please know being a child sexual abuse victim,u have my sympathy and support always. if u ever want to contact me,message and i will send you my email address.
love and support,
Julie Anders.