Pretending

I am 49 years old. I have never expressed my feelings about my life to anyone, save my sister who I have only talked to about the abuse we shared. The older I get, the more resentment I have and it is effecting my life. I have never read anything or come across anyone who still has an abuser in their lives like I do.

I have had a few experiences with sexual abusers as a child. I remember the first one like it was yesterday. It was Halloween time and I was wearing my cat costume at the age of 5. I had a huge imagination and was pretending I really was a cat. I was walking in the ally behind our house. I heard a dog barking. I have always been an animal lover so I walked over to the garage where the dog was chained and barking. A man was there. Looking back he was probably a teenager but at 5 he looked like a grown man to me. He asked me if I wanted to pet the dog. I said yes. He then proceeded to put his hands down my pants and I remember him saying "Don't be scared, I just want to **** you". The next thing I remember is telling my mom, who started crying. Thats all I remember.

The second time I was 8 years old. My younger sister (4 years) and my cousin (7) and I were in a park collecting rocks. A man walked up and told us he was a cop and showed a badge, and said we were illegally taking rocks from the park. He asked us how old we were. He then told me and my sister to go wait on the corner and he took my cousin. We went to the corner and waited. My cousin appeared and said he made her pull down her pants and he showed her his penis and told her she "ate too many potoatos" (she was chubby). Funny how memory works. Anyway, we told our parents and I dont remember what happened after that.

The third time I was in the 6th grade. I was very into horses. My friend took me to her parents friend stable. He was a really old man named George. He had me stand up in the stirrups to make sure they were the right length and he kept running his hand between my legs and the saddle. I remember my friend saying she knew a girl who would do favors for George just so she could ride his horses.

My mother divorced my biological father when I was 5. I dont remember much about him. When I was 9 she married my step father. I had a very turbulent relationship with my parents as a teen. I hated my step father at one point and we didnt talk for a year. I remember my sister telling me when I was about 18 that my stepfather had messed with her. She said he had kissed her and felt her up on numerous occasions. She said she remembered hearing me saying to my stepfather through the wall (we had seperate bedrooms) "Ewwwww... is that how you kiss Mom?" I dont remember this. I do remember being very angry because my sister would threaten my dad to tell if he didnt, say, let her go to a party or a dance or whatever. When I was 20 I was living at home with my new baby. My sister and I got into a fight and I told her I was going to tell mom about her and dad. I really would never have done that but she called my bluff and called my mom and told her that I was going to be telling lies about Dad. When my mom got home she yelled at me, how dare I say anything like that. She asked my dad point blank and surprisingly he backed me up and said it was true. My mom was devestated, but she asked my sister, who was only 16, if she should leave him!! Of course my sister said no.

As a teenager I got into drugs and was date raped. I was a very lost soul but I survived. So here we are, almost 20 years later, and my parents still together, and my sister an alchoholic, and me who has been a rock for so long but cant take it anymore, all with families and children and pretending that nothing ever happened.

I have forgiven my father. He was molested as a child. He never did anything like that ever again and I truly like him as a person. I have a harder time forgiving my mother as I am a mother and I would KILL any man who touched my child inappropriately and dont understand why she would make her child make a decision for her. But I forgive her too. What I cannot get over is the fact that the life I have always wanted; normal family get togethers, cousins playing together, my sister and I close as can be, is not to be. My sister is messed up because she never got counseling or anything when she was young and now she is a lost cause, and I am just sitting here being resentful of all of it. Luckily my children have had completely normal childhoods (compared to mine) and they know nothing of my past. My husband also had a trauma free childhood.

I have always been a proponent of pulling your pants up and moving on, dont let the past dictate your future. But I am starting to rely on drugs and alchohol to make me feel happy and I dont want that. I have never spoken to a counselor or Dr. about my issues as I'm not comfortable with it. Anyway, just thought I'd put this out there as I have never really knew or read about a person who is still "living " with an abuser as part of their life...
fairlite fairlite
46-50
Dec 6, 2012