I Am a Child Sexual Abuse Survivor

A Letter to the Old Man... For All My Fellow Survivors That Are Dealing With the Pain Still. It Will Get Better Just Reach Out.

By: fungirlmmm

Written on August 11th, 2008

I could have written the letter below myself before I met my EP/RL friend, AC. The man single handedly changed fungirl’s life forever. I had taken steps to help others and given immense amounts of money to the cause, but I had never taken myself back. He helped me recover myself and for that I will love him forever. The letter below is written from my previous perspective and most children that have been molested will identify with the emotions I am expressing in my letter. So what brings this back to my mind right now? Well, I found out that I wasn’t the only one that this man used. Something someone said to me let me know that I was not alone, and now I am hurting for her so badly and I just do not have even idea of where to start to help her because she is so far behind me in the recovery of herself so this is for her, anyone else that my abuser touched, and any girl or boy that has been molested. I hope that each of you find your own personal AC to make you feel safe, loved, protected, and empowered.

Dear B*stard Child Molester,

I just want you to know the truth about what you did to me. Did you know that I secretly cry and tear myself to shreds many nights? Oh in the daylight I smile, and you would think I am the happiest person on earth but when night comes, I am a mere shadow on the wall and I feel ravaged by your sinful hands. You took my innocence and embedded my soul in darkness. Do you know that I hate you to this day for binding me to this forsaken hell? Do you realize that every time I come to the moment of truth that I want to pierce my soul with that blade that if I only had you to rely on I would do it? I would do it, you b*stard but then you win don’t you? You will never defeat me, you b*stard. Do you know that you are solely responsible for killing the innocence of childhood for me and that every time I scream that wrenching scream I am trying to torment your soul? I want you to feel hopeless like you made me feel. I am sure you do seeing as you now reside in the eternal hell. My hell may be on earth but yours is eternal. I, at least, have the hope of an eternal heaven yet you know now that hell is real, and you have met the darkness that never ends. I hope you are in hell and that my pain echoes through your soul. Did you ever even know I exist outside your perverse mind? Do you finally understand the cursed life you burdened on my fragile young shoulders? I don't think you ever did but now that you are in hell, I hope you are reminded daily. I hope that your punishment is to see my life lived out moment by moment, and that you have to feel my pain in your heart and soul as I have felt these many years. I hope that your soul is burning in hell and that there is no relief from the pain you caused me.

I have had the most perverse thought today that I am probably not the only young girl that you lived out your perverse thoughts with and that tore me apart. Well, I hope that they all take their turns on your grave stomping it repeatedly. You are not worth the dirt it takes to keep your sorry a$$ buried. If you did this to other girls, and I could I would dig you up and leave your human body for the dogs to consume. Be glad it is against the law . Be a very glad old man.

By: fungirlmmm

Age: 41-45 , Female

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28 responses

fungirlmmm

Exactly and bc of the bad things I have been able to help others so I wouldn't change what has happened. I am here if you need an hug.

Dec 28, 2008
1 like
fungirlmmm

Yes I try to be. ty sweetie.

Dec 28, 2008
1 like
HAL9001

Hi I am very sorry about what happened. you are stronger. now

Dec 28, 2008
1 like
fungirlmmm

Thanks Flour. I appreciate the offer.

Nov 17, 2008
1 like
flourlady111

IM SO SORRY FUNGIRLMMM I HAD NO IDEA. IF YOU EVER WANT TO TALK ILL BE HERE TO LISTEN OK

Nov 17, 2008
1 like
fungirlmmm

Thanks ACA.

Nov 17, 2008
1 like
arthurca

It's good to know you're getting along all right after all that you went through. I admire your strenght and will.

Nov 17, 2008
1 like
fungirlmmm

thanks tj

Nov 17, 2008
1 like
timjim

I never knew this happened to you. I think you are very courageous to share this.

I am so sorry to hear that this has happened to you, or anyone.

Amidst the odd, you have grown to become a very beautiful soul and for that, I think the world of you!!!

Nov 17, 2008
1 like
fungirlmmm

He is my best friend in life. Actually he is my family because he is much more than a simple friend. thanks for your comments Weat.

Aug 23, 2008
1 like
weather1965

I can't even begin to imagine what you have had to overcome in order to be where you are today... a strong and positive woman. I'm glad that someone came along side you and was able to get your life back on track. Friends like that are few and far between.

Aug 23, 2008
1 like
fungirlmmm

He does have a brother but my friend got all the looks, intelligence, and common sense. The only characteristic they share is that they both have HUGE hearts. When my friend showed me a picture of his brother it was such a letdown. I was thinking I was going to see 2 hotties but instead it was my friend, who is an intense inferno on the hotness scale and his brother who is well NOT. Now cousins I haven't met but i did see some pix of the family and let's just say there is some heat in that family. MMMM MMMM MMMM girl.

Aug 18, 2008
1 like
Bluegrass

That is wonderful!

Has he got a brother or cousin?

Aug 18, 2008
1 like
fungirlmmm

Ohhh BG he helps me be more than happy. He helps me be whole and sometimes he even pretends not to be perfect so I can help him back... He is so perfect. Well as perfect as a man can get. He is my best friend and I am so lucky.

Sunny, I am so happy to be on the other side of that wall. It was a thick one and it took a lot of digging and if I hadn't had AC with a shovel digging from the other side I may have died before I broke through. He is the first person I was able to be totally be honest with and admit every minute detail. He listened to me and when I was done I asked him if he still loved me and wanted to be my friend. Normally before I ever reach that point men start moving a little away when I tell them... but not him.... He said hell yes he wanted to be my friend and that he only admired me more for having gone through this and survived being me. I cried that night so much that i am sure i used all reserve of my tears. I love him. He will read this and say he isn't special but he is.. he is...

Aug 17, 2008
1 like
fungirlmmm

Ohhh BG he helps me be more than happy. He helps me be whole and sometimes he even pretends not to be perfect so I can help him back... He is so perfect. Well as perfect as a man can get. He is my best friend and I am so lucky.

Sunny, I am so happy to be on the other side of that wall. It was a thick one and it took a lot of digging and if I hadn't had AC with a shovel digging from the other side I may have died before I broke through. He is the first person I was able to be totally be honest with and admit every minute detail. He listened to me and when I was done I asked him if he still loved me and wanted to be my friend. Normally before I ever reach that point men start moving a little away when I tell them... but not him.... He said hell yes he wanted to be my friend and that he only admired me more for having gone through this and survived being me. I cried that night so much that i am sure i used all reserve of my tears. I love him. He will read this and say he isn't special but he is.. he is...

Aug 17, 2008
1 like
Bluegrass

You are so strong. I'm glad that there is someone to help you be happy.

(((hugs)))

Aug 17, 2008
1 like
fungirlmmm

Ariella, thank you. I am one of the lucky people that got their own special earth angel to take me out of the pain. I have a great friend and he has helped me heal even more than any doctor or psychologist could. I sometimes have insomnia but for the most part I have dealt with the demon. I will listen to you if you need it.

Aug 18, 2008
2 likes
Ariella

I really like this part: "Did you ever even know I exist outside your perverse mind?"

I resonate with the anger in your letter and have been working on healing it. I really hope that by writing this letter it helped you to vent and get some things out and I'm glad that you're doing well now!

Aug 17, 2008
1 like
fungirlmmm

Oh I am ok ebun... I wrote this for someone I have been chatting with.. I still feel it deep down but I am ok. I am the winner because his a$$ is dead and I am alive.

Aug 12, 2008
1 like
EBunbury

I am sorry this happened to you. I hope you can eventually find it in your heart to forgive, and heal.

Aug 12, 2008
1 like
fungirlmmm

Almost every time I talk to him he makes me feel like a kid again and I begin to giggle and forget myself. It is awesome.

Aug 12, 2008
1 like
regardlessofwhattheysay

I guess you can never get back what you lost, but I hope you can now feel the freedom and joy of the innocence of childhood that you missed. Every once in a while that feeling of carefree joy will show up in my life and for me, those are the best times. And if you have found someone that allows you to have those feelings, treasure that person and the moments shared.

Aug 12, 2008
1 like
fungirlmmm

You just want me to rub on you a lot don't you? LOL I couldn't resist.

Aug 12, 2008
1 like
HospitalCorpsman

Like I said before, you need to rub off on me!!! ;-)

Aug 12, 2008
1 like
fungirlmmm

Oh I am probably one of the most positive people u will meet.

Aug 12, 2008
1 like
HospitalCorpsman

I guess thats why we go through painful experiences, to help others. Because the ones who never went through it don't understand! Not to offend you or your story. I am just trying to learn to look at the positive side of negative experiences. I let things get to me so bad I had had a break down in May.

Aug 12, 2008
1 like
fungirlmmm

Thanks HC.. I am okay. I am whole and ok but I want others to be ok. I feel their pain and it is dark and horrendous. I am here if she needs me.

Aug 11, 2008
1 like
HospitalCorpsman

I'm so sorry! :(

Aug 11, 2008
1 like

I Am a Child Sexual Abuse Survivor

A Letter to the Old Man... For All My Fellow Survivors That Are Dealing With the Pain Still. It Will Get Better Just Reach Out.

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