Lost Years...

I don't remember much about my childhood - I think I have blocked out everything...before the age of 11 my life is a big black hole - the bits I do remember terrify me at times.

The first time it happened I was six - he was only about sixteen. I was out playing and he caught me on my own - I remember everything about that first time (I think it was the first time)...I remember running home after - I lost my shoe...he followed me home with it...my mother made me thank him.

The rest comes in snapshots - flashes of memory - things he said - things I still remember and believe in some ways. I don't know how long it went on for...I know that from the ages of 6 to 11 I had countless vaginal infections - no-one asked why...I know that the snippets I remember have me at different ages. I know that seeing him makes me sick - that he moved away for a while when I was 11 and I start to have a memory again. I don't want to remember anything else.

Flugelblues Flugelblues
31-35, F
5 Responses Sep 9, 2008

I'm truely sorry and I no you just want to forget but its not that easy. I think your mind would be at pease if you went to authority and got some justice. If he did this to you he may do it again to someone else. You could help if he is still doing it. Encourage people to come forward that have had this expierence. It has probably been some time since its happened but no matter how much time has passed you can't change that it did happen. I hope that you can get justice from your past and have a great wonderful future.

I'm afraid I disagree with sunny and mortal here. That strategy will work for a time, and perhaps it is essential now. But there will come a time when you will find you cannot grow rather without making some progress with this issue. It was not your fault, and you are to be credited for surviving it. When you are ready, please read E. Sue Blume's Wonderful book, "Secret Survivors". Though she deals specifically with sexual abuse by family members, her thoughts are useful to anyone in your situation.

Thank you M...I am doing that.

Truly move beyond it and relegate it to the smallest space possible.

Thank you sunny...I usually don't - but a friend reminded me of it recently and it has been on my mind since. <br />
<br />