God's Timing Is Impeccable

Gosh....where to begin?? Deep down I always knew that I didn't want to be a mother, but I tried to convince myself that I would someday change my mind when I met the "right" guy. This is the thought process that got me into A LOT of trouble.

When I first met my husband, he was 24 and not interested in having children....well...at the time. As our relationship grew more serious, we decided to get married and the topic of children came up in pre-engagement and pre-marital counseling with our pastor. Given a chance for a do-over...I would have been COMPLETELY forthright and honest about NOT having children. Hindsight is 20/20, right?

Ack! Four years into our marriage when his friends started having kids, his desire to be a dad and my desire for childfreedom both grew stronger and stronger. I felt horrible denying him the opportunity and began to pray that God would bring forth a resolution. I even offered to adopt as a way of meeting him in the middle and when he said he was not interested in adoption, I suggested that we get divorced so that he can find someone else to have a bio baby with. He said he was not interested in divorce. So, we sat on it for awhile. He contemplated going to counseling (he never did) and then went into fits of anger. He accused me of lying to him and misleading him into marriage. Wow....I was stumped and felt incredibly guilty. I wonder how often this happens to couples?

*sigh*

I am a firm believer that sometimes God calls us to do things that we don't want to do. This was the "thing" for my life story. So, at 38, I agreed to get pregnant. After a year of ovulation kits and a lot of prayer...NOTHING HAPPENED!!! Then, my husband went into another angry fit and accused me of not taking care of my body and that's why I can't conceive. It didn't help that I am 6 years his senior, so I really started to believe that. Wow....another blow. I was just a glutton for punishment, wasn't I?

I made an appointment with the ob/gyn and she confirmed that I was okay. She gave me a cup with a paper bag and told me to bring it home to my husband to drop off a specimen. Needless to say, that conversation didn't go over too well. The cup and the bag sat in the drawer for a few months before he finally faced reality and brought it in.

When the results came back, it turned out that he had a birth defect that deemed him sterile. My husband is an only child and this news came as a huge disappointment to his mother. We are of Chinese descent, so bearing a son is of the essence in the Chinese culture.

My husband is a God-fearing man and he spent some time being angry at God and wondering, "Why Me?" While he was doing that, I was secretly celebrating, exhaling and breathing all kinds of sighs of relief. I felt so incredibly sad for him, yet so elated and happy for me. Our marriage had taken a huge hit, but God remained faithful.

A few months after his test results, he came to me and asked me about the adoption information that I had initially accumulated. WHAT???? Now that he found out he couldn't have kids, he wants to adopt? That was my Plan A and now it's his Plan B? I was again...stumped and horrified that he would ask this of me. How much more can a Childfree woman take??? Well.. Plan A would have been NO KIDS!!

Well...again, I felt that God's purpose is much greater than mine. I prayed for patience and agreed to an international adoption from China and we began the long, grueling process. The whole time, I was sinking deeper and deeper into depression. I asked God for strength and patience to get me through this. The first few years, I convinced myself that I would be okay if we had been matched. When the fifth year rolled around, I started to pray that God would take away the adoption...that the agency would find out something horrible about us and take us off the list. I started to dream up ways to botch it up on purpose. Of course, I didn't, but I felt like I was going crazy...that at any moment, they would have to cart me off to the insane asylum in a straight jacket. I had suffered a nervous breakdown in my early 20's and I felt those same feelings well up inside of me.

Last year, after six years of waiting in line, I sat my husband down and told him that I would not be renewing our adoption papers. Obviously, that meant that I am closing the door. I couldn't keep up the facade anymore. As much as I tried, I had to close this chapter of my life. My patience had worn thin and I was a nervous wreck. He wasn't happy with my decision, but honestly, ask me at that point if I cared???

I am now 44 years old and I feel beaten down. Did I make the best decisions to save my marriage? Yes. Was it worth it? Yes. Do I have any regrets? Yes and No.

Now that my husband is childless and I am FINALLY childfree, we have a whole new set of challenges. He enjoys being with his friends with children, while I can't stand to be around them. Like many of you, I have nothing against children or people who have them, I just don't care to be around them.

I recently sent a note to one of the pastors at my church to let him know about my struggles. It's very difficult to be Childfree in the church since it's all about family and children. Everywhere we turn, someone is asking us if we have children and it makes for a very uncomfortable situation when I want to share about my blissfully child-free life while my husband will forever feel a sense of great loss.

I don't know why God put us together, but I do know that His timing is impeccable. If I was a woman who wanted children and found out that my husband is sterile....I can only imagine the grief. God put us together because He knew that we would be able to weather the storms. We are still very young in our marriage...10 years and already we have made compromises and sacrifices in the name of love.

Had I never agreed to get pregnant, we would not have known about my husband's outcome. Had I pushed for the divorce and he found out later...well, all I can say is that I am extremely thankful for God's timing and faithfulness.

We are both still emotionally sensitive about the topic of children these days, but once in awhile, we actually laugh about it. He's more apt to joke about the fact that we're DINKS and we'll be able to retire early (he's a Financial Planner). He is already thinking about future short-term missionary trips and ways that he can give back to society by giving financially and volunteering his time.

I started my sharing by saying that I made a mistake by not loudly proclaiming that I am happily childfree. In my naivety and ignorance, I actually thought I could change my own mind, but as the years drew on, the desire for childfreedom grew stronger and stronger.

The biggest lesson that I learned is that God has a plan for me. I oftentimes veer off in the opposite direction, but He always makes my path straight.

Now when people ask me if I have children. I say, "NO...THANK GOD!!!" My husband usually gives me a dirty look, but hey....I am happily childfree and living proof of it!

SymSym83 SymSym83
41-45, F
Dec 1, 2012