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Letting God Down

I  have  been a  christian  most of my life! When i  was younger  i was sexually  and physically  abused. I  didn't  tell  anyone  until  i married at the of 31. I have suffered from depression since  i  was  a child  but manged  to keep it  to my self. I was  brought up to believe that  we were  the  perfect  christian  family and my  parents believed we didn't  have problems! If we did  have  problems  we  didn't talk about them! I  have  always  been very shy and felt  the  odd one out  in the family. Being the second  child  out  of four  i  used to  think  my older  sister  was  special being  the first  born,   my  brother who  was a  year younger  than me was special  because  he  was the only  boy, and my younger  sister was special because  she  was  the  baby of the family! I  don't think i resented  this  but  what i  found  hard  was that my  siblings  were  academic  like  my father and  i  was  artistic.  I  felt i was a  big disappointment to my  father! I  grew  up most  of  my  life being  ignored by him. Growing up i had  alot of  time off school due to  depression.  ( I  told my parents that  i  had lots  of  headaches  which  i  did have  also )  My  older  sister  hated  me  for  having  so  much time  off  school! When i  was in my  20's   everything  got to  much for  me  and  i  rran away  from  home  with  the intention  to  killing  myself!  I  got down  as far  as  the south  coast and was picked  up  by  the  police  and placed  into hospital  for  2 weeks. When  i arrived back  home nothing  was ever said  about what had happened!  I  got married  when  i  was 31years  still  feeling depressed and with a husband who  thought he would  be  the one who  would cure  me! ( my husband was  the only person  apart from  my  doctor  that  i had told  about my  depression )  I  feel  pegnant  when i was  36years. I told my  husband on christmas  eve thinking it would be a  great christmas surprise.  He went mad and said  that  i had  spoilt  his christmas!This was a big  shock  to me and 3  months later i  miscarried our  little boy  whom we  named Christian. A  year later i  fell  pregnant again and  had  the  same  reaction again from my  husband.  He  loved  our son when  he was  born  but  it took  me years  to  feel  comfortable to ask him to do  things for them. 3years  later we  had  our little girl,  i got a better reaction this  time!  I love  my children  to  bits, but  its  been  very  hard  bringing them  up,  working  and trying to run  a  home when  your  life is controlled  by depression!  In  the last  6  years  i have  been  hospitalised  3 times,  7months  altogether. As you  can  imagine it has  been very hard on my husband and  children  which  leaves me with feelings  of  great  guilt! 2 years  ago  my husband  was  accused  of child abused  which  he  has been  aquitted! My son who  is so  lovely  and  suffers from low moods  told  us  he is  gay  and  has been addictted to  gay  ****  sites  on the web and  has been accused  of  sexual  abuse!  wer'e still  waiting  on the  out come.  My  daughters  having councelling for  depression  and since  my  son  was very  young i've  always  had  a  very  strong feeling that he  would   commit suicide. I feel  he's well  on  his  way to  this happening with  all that is going on.  My  husband has  told me that  he  doesn't want to  be  with  me  anymore  because he can't  cope with  the depression! My reason for saying  that  i  " have  let God down"  is  because i  feel  everything is my  fault and  i  have tried on several ocasions to end  my life!  Next time i hope it will  work!  I love Jesus  and accept him  as  my Saviour but i  just  can't live anymore!  Thank you for  taking time  to  read part  of  my life story!     love srk 


srk srk 51-55, F 5 Responses Aug 1, 2008

Your Response


You didn't let God down... you were never holding him up in the first place.

Thank you for your email! I agree with everything you've said and this is what i would tell someone if i wanted to encourge them! At the moment i feel to low to let it apply to me, but it has given me something to think about, thank you! It was good to hear how God saved you and i pray that things will continue to go well for you! May God bless you

I recently lost someone in my life because of my depression too. This person told me that it was all too much to deal with, and took off. For a long time, I had been a cutter, I'd been negative and I'd been so unhappy with life and with myself that I criticised and cut down everyone and everything around me. Nothing was ever good enough for me. I was always hoping for rainbows, for blue skies .. waiting for happiness to come my way. Waiting for depression to leave me.<br />
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Waiting was my worst mistake. I'd been like the crippled man at the Bethesda pool - waiting for someone to come along and help me into the pool so that I could get well. It didn't happen. I had people leave me instead of help me. But you know what? I'm not bitter, or hurt or even upset about that. Jesus revealed a powerful truth to me after I'd lost everything I had. My loneliness pushed me into the arms of my Saviour and He spoke to me through the passage about the healing at the Bethesda pool. When Jesus asked the crippled man if he wanted to get well, the man responded by telling Jesus that he had no-one to help him. Jesus responded to that by saying: Get (yourself) up! Pick up your (own) mat and walk! Those were the words He spoke to me too.<br />
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He said: Quit talking about everybody else. Stop focusing on everybody else. I'm here and I'm telling you that you can get yourself up and walk! I'm ordering you to get up and walk! Stop waiting around for people. You've been this way for years, and I'm telling you that if you keep waiting around for people who quite obviously aren't helping you, you'll end up waiting forever. TODAY is the day. Get up and walk!<br />
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Hon, trust the words of your Saviour. You've actually got to get up! Stand to your feet and begin to walk in the name of Jesus! Believe that you can do all things through Christ who gives you strength and you will! Jesus is not a liar. If he said it, it's true! You've got to start acting upon what you believe! Take steps of faith. Begin to walk! Get stuck into the Bible. Start spending time with God. Fall into His arms whenever you feel weak. When the enemy tries to tell you that you're weak, tell him that JESUS is strong. When the enemy tries to stick lies into your head, fight back with scripture. Open your mouth and begin to proclaim the truths in the Bible. You've got to get up and fight! I know this may sound harsh, but you've got to do it! You can't waste any more time lying on the floor waiting for someone to pick you up. Jesus has been there for ages, asking you if you want to get well. If your answer is truly, YES! you're going to stand to your feet and begin to walk, trusting that He is all-powerful and mighty to save. <br />
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Yes, there will be days that are hard to get through - you won't always feel strong .. but you MUST put it into your head that no matter WHAT, you WILL NOT GIVE UP. You've got to train yourself, train your flesh to respond to YOU. When you don't feel like worshipping God, do it anyway. When you don't feel like standing up and fighting the enemy, do it anyway. When you don't feel like praying, do it anyway. When you don't feel like going to God, do it anyway. When you don't feel positive, speak positively anyway. You MUST practice, practice, practice. It'll teach your flesh - your weak side - to respond to YOU so that it will no longer be your boss. Practice so that it will become habit. Habits then become permanent change. The key is to refuse to give up. Don't give up until you see that the change has become permanent. Jesus wants His children to go forwards, not backwards. He wants to help you. Don't believe the lie that God has forsaken you. HE NEVER FORSAKES ANYBODY. WE ARE THE ONES WHO TURN OUR BACKS ON HIM. GOD NEVER GIVES UP ON US. WE ARE THE ONES WHO GIVE UP ON HIM!<br />
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Be encouraged! Take heart! In the name of our Almighty King Jesus Christ, stand to your feet and WALK! Submit to the Lord, no matter how hard it is, and watch what will happen. Once I started to do all this, I became someone different - I no longer cut, I no longer speak or even think of killing myself, I'm no longer negative, control over my tongue is much better than it used to be .. and I'm actually moving forwards in victory! All this can be accomplished through Christ who gives us strength to do ALL things. Believe it! Get up and walk sister!

Please friend me. Our lives are very different, but our feelings very much the same, and I know God still loves you. None of this is your fault, though I know how easy it is to feel that way. I have been through things too, and I know how you feel.

I don't see how you let God down. I see that you've done the best you could, and that you need nurturing that you are not getting. God nurtures, but right now He can only do it through other people, and those other people who are in a position to nurture you are the ones who are letting God down by letting you down.<br />
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I agree: you can't live like you have been living any longer. That does not mean you need to end your life, just your way of living. That means something has to end (the depression and the isolation) so that something new (happiness and fulfillment) can begin.<br />
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It sounds like you have been giving and giving until you have expended yourself: the self needs nurturing. Pick something nice, preferably an experience, not a thing, and treat yourself to it. Try to pick something you secretly want, but "oh, I would never do that" or "I would be to embarrassed to try." You don't have to tell anyone you did it, either, unless you want to! Break some new ground and have some fun with yourself!<br />
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I don't know if you are a member of a church, but if you are, please seek community, friends, and activities there. If you have tried this and they are not supportive, please find another church or even a non-religious activity that can and will fill your soul with good things. It is there for you, somewhere, all you have to do is find it. You can use the same process to find this activity that you used to pick your secret treat for yourself.<br />
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I know it's trite, but it's true: God loves you. Namaste, blessings, and many (((hugs))) to you.