I Can't Even Express How Much I Must Have Let God Down.

Hello. I am a Christian and have let God down so much.

There are times when I believe he's given up on me because he doesn't want to deal with my psychotic personality and overload of baggage anymore.

I've always been a nervous person with problems. Battling major depression (chemical imbalance), bipolar disorder, extreme provoking fear, powerful thoughts of suicide, anxiety and panic disorders, rage, and pessimism. Not to mention an extreme antisocial personality. I get paralyzed with fear in circumstances involving chance or risk and admit to letting it control me.

My father was involved in an occult before he had became a Christian and has witnessed a spiritual world I shudder to remember stories of, and one that another person might scoff at. I don't know why but I feel like that has alot to do with the spiritual oppression I've felt since childhood...(could be wrong.) My family has had a history of mental problems ranging from schitzophrenia, narcissistic disorder, bipolar disorder, depression, paranoia, ocd, codependent personalities, to a relative who commited suicide by throwing himself off a cliff in Ireland and an uncle locked up in a mental ward. My Dad and brothers grew up by being passed around in foster homes and weren't really introduced to the notion of real structured families.

During my preteen years I was sexually abused...not to blame his action wholly for my downfall as much as my sin...I do believe that it has contributed to an overall mistrust of people and my own self-hatred. This was around a time I didn't trust males at all and got accused of disrespecting adults. One time, I accused my own Father looking at me in a provacative way (which was just sick but my mind was warped and paranoid). 
I had gotten into **** at a young age, 12, due to extreme lonliness, self-hatred, and lack of emotionally connecting with anyone.

This is very hard for me to admit but I'll be blunt about it because I know that one day God will make an account of my life as I stand before him.  As I mentioned, I've struggled with lust and *********** at a very young age...eventually it got to the point where I got bored of seeing the same thing and got into the *********** involving lesbian, gay, and anime (disturbing and gross subjects which I admit to having watched). 

Alot of that stuff made me question my own sexuality. I noticed the soft, comforting, and compassionate touch of female as opposed to a male and it drew me in like a magnet. I had and still have (which I cry out to God about) sexual thoughts about females to an intense degree. It is very hard for me to ignore them.

I'm only 21 years old and could only imagine the type of monster I look like to God. 

I am ashamed and disgusted at myself. In all honesty, I'm very very afraid to stand before the God I have called Father so many times. I was raised in a Christian family, but only now am finally truly seeing my sinful nature for what it is.

So far I've stopped watching it after experiencing a life-changing event involving urgent care and the emergency room.

I hope God has mercy on my soul. I know I really don't deserve it.

  

TreadingDeepWaters TreadingDeepWaters
18-21
2 Responses Mar 16, 2009

Satan is the monster not you. remember, he is called the dragon. He does everything he can to destroy us from day one. You are precious and dear to God, and it isnt your fault your sexuality has been disturbed by abuse. You are a very young boy, and Jesus is going to heal you and make you whole. Trust Him and tell Him everything okay?Love you.xxx

you're not a monster to God.you're His precious child.We all do mistakes no matter how big they are,we all sink in this darkness and in this guilt that we have, even when we confessed our sins.but our strength is in His words and in His blood that forgives and cleans us forever.Trust Him.He said He forgives you and never will remember your sins.Sometimes i feel so worthless and dirty i feel like i'm unclean even to say His name.I feel like how am i going to look at Him one day after all i've done i won't be able to even lift my head.But then comes realization-He knows me! He knows every little thing! He's the same always.Not that today you're good and He loves you,and tomorrow you're not so good so He doesn't love you anymore.He loves you every second! He knows your pain.Please trust Him to do it right.Put your hope in Him.Tell Him every guilty feeling that you have and accept it that it's already forgiven.Don't listen to those bad thoughts that come from satan that you're monster cause these are lies.The truth is that through Jesus you're pure you're loved.I know it's hard to believe.But take His hand.He's not afraid of touching you.He Wants to help you.<br />
May God bless you :)