I Realized I Had Lost Hope and Faith

I have always been in a faith-driven life.  At times I have explored faiths outside the Christian one I was raised in.  Each time, I returned, convinced that Jesus was the answer, for me, anyway.  But having been raised in the Catholic Church and seeing great hypocrisy made me uncomfortable worshipping in that way.  The Catholic Church also denied my baby girl baptism, initially, because I was not married.  My mother accompanied me to visit the priest and he could see he was beaten.  His rationale was wordly and of his making, not the Lord's will.  He reluctantly baptised my child.   Now I wish I had waited.  Waited for a place where all were welcome.

After the baptism, I was so hurt.  I knew God loved me and my child and that we needed to find a place where sinners and ordinary people like me (understand, I count myself in the first group also) could feel welcome and feel JOY.    In the past at worship in other places (geographically) I had felt real JOY and moved by the Spirit.  I did not feel any of that in this man's church.

In 1999 my immune system failed from years of chemical overload and stress.  I was very ill and my doctor told me I must move away from the large city we lived in and find cleaner air, water and a slower pace of life.    I hardly knew myself, my mind was so confused and everything was so difficult for me because my memory had failed, and I was also in great pain and exhaustion.  My daughter was four then.

There was an Anglican church at the bottom of our street,  one block down.  If there was one place I needed to be it was in a church.  I needed to anchor myself to the Rock of Ages, my Lord and Saviour.  So we went, and after three or four services, those people came marching over to my house to help!   A lady drove in from the countryside nearby to take my child to morning daycare.  Another picked her up and took her to afternoon kindergarten.   Still other neighbours heard of our situation and brought food on a regular basis or played with my daughter, picked up groceries or just came and were company which was so comforting.   I did not see much of my family as my parents were travelling a lot on business and my sisters and brothers didn't believe I was ill, they thought I was being lazy.  We still do not have a good relationship, sadly.

Anyway, we had found where we belonged.  Gone was all the pomp and pageantry, gone the judgmental rulings.  It was very simply "come and be upheld, comforted and healed".  I loved that church.  No one in that area had very much in the way of money or possessions but we all had lunch together once a month ($2 for soup and sandwiches made by the church ladies and men).  No one every missed Toonie Cdn. $2 coin)  Sunday lunch.  People knew how weak physically I was and they went out of their way to make me comfortable with cushions and such (I was very thin).  If I cried, either from despair or pain, someone came and held me.  If I had good news I stood and shared it with the congregation.

I was also able to comfort others when they had bad times and sickness so there was an equality which was good for me.  It strengthened me.

We moved after a year to another city so I could have special medical treatment, and then again to a place where the air and water were really clean and healthy.  We were poor but very, very happy.  Where we lived was a place where God, Jesus, the Lord and The Holy Spirit were on everyone's tongue and people gave thanks aloud as often as people in other places said "how are you?".  I loved that comforting atmosphere - it bound us together no matter which church we went to.

Last year, we had to come back to our original Province in Canada because there was no drug plan where we lived, and my medication was now costing around $600.00 per month, with my pension only being $1,100.  My folks gave me some money to put down on a small house and I am very grateful to them.  I got out of the rental problems, but money is very tight and I am often afraid I will be unable to make it.  The people in the community where we are located are very wealthy.  They cannot understand why I am so afraid.

I have to work hard to just hand it over to the Lord.  I want to control everything but my life is not controllable.  If I can just trust, then I can go on.

Sometimes I need to talk to someone else who is having trouble trusting and letting go.  My church congregation here are very kind but they are so affluent, they cannot understand a single mother's challenges in today's world.   My girl is now a young teen, but very tall and looks about four years older than she is.  It is scary.

Last week I sat down with a man from my church who does accounting type work but more "wealth management".  We talked about my situation.   He is deeply spiritual and I have great trust in his advice.  He said I should take a different direction than I have been; it's sort of complex but it made a lot of sense to me.  He also told me "do you know that every time I suggest something, you tell me why it won't work?".  My dad says the same thing to me. I had not realized just how negative I have become.   So my faith is not strong right now.  I must work it and get back to my bible and LIVING my faith, not just praying but Living in the Word and in the Spirit.

So, that's where I am today.

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