Making Choices

last year i really discovered the joy of smoking. i took it way too far, spent all my money on constantly getting high and smoking with friends and i lost everything. had to move back with my parents. 

it was my fault. i can't blame my failure or over indulgence on anything or anyone but myself. 

i'm not a happy person. i think myself in circles, and while i wouldn't change this, and understand why it is that God gave me the things in my life, i need relief sometimes. i get so stressed and so wound up that i forget to relax and enjoy life and just be. i try to create and i get too anxious to even put pencil or brush to paper. it's a sick cycle. 

i know the difference between smoking recreationally and smoking constructively. since i was diagnosed with add in first grade and depression/anxiety a few years after, i've been prescribed so many pills, but none of them have ever been what i was looking for. they all seem to take feelings away or to make me even more anxious or high speed. 

i need something to give me feelings and slow me down. 

the biggest realization i've had recently is that all of the memorable, defining points in my life that i classify as "that's so me. no matter where i've been or how old i've been, i felt the same way and did the same thing at X time in my life" have all been me as a depressed, anxious wreck. i'm sick of being sad, i'm sick of not being motivated or excited about things. i want to live, and i want to be happy and make the most of who i am. 

life and the gospel are not about being perfect. it's about learning, it's about getting through to the end and finding joy in serving the lord. 

i don't know what that means for me and how i choose to treat my depression and anxiety, but i'm willing to make the choice of constructively smoking medical marijuana. 

it's not truth, it isn't revelation, it's treatment. i feel like if i can forgive others and find a reason to love and to accept and understand people for their complexities and appreciate them, then there's some hope for me. 

God bless!

18-21, M
2 Responses Mar 8, 2010

I have PTSD and I smoke pot and pray for healing. I am happy you shared your story.I too also have strong bouts of anxiety and depression.I praise Jesus everyday for another attempt for a "good day".Life can be tough sometimes just remember your not alone.

I really hate what others judgements have done to tint what is right for one,,,,why can't people just be what they want to be,,,why is it that socity rules instead of their God,,,,its total mind control,,,and I am not a conformist,,,,I only listen to God,,,and Man lies and lies,,,just to justifie their own rightousness,,,well the real judgement will be here very soon,,,and we will all see how it really is with God,,,,God Loves us,,,we hear that all the time,,,,well God loves you for your heart,,,and if you need that medicine than use it like real medicine,,,don't over do anything you do,,,and I am not saying that what you do is right for anyone else but you,,,,you are in control of your world,,,and others should get control of their own,,,I whole heartedly believe in the medicine of the green energy,,,,I also believe that it should be legal,,,it helps alot of people,,,,we should stop abuse ech other and give what we all have need of,,,I am sorry that this world is so selfish and so into one instead of all of us pulling together,,,Love and Light Mary