Under Pressure.

Right now, I need this group.. and maybe just for a little bit. I might be the most frequent poster. Maybe.

I, am closeted. Sort of.
I am out to my mom, and my younger sister. and to the majority of my friends. But not out to my brother and dad/step dad

If all these people know. how am i still closeted? Well, my family is religious. They know of my relationship with current on again off again gf, but they don't approve.
My relationship with my girlfriend is tenuous as is, but only because of my indecision on making a real commitment to her.

Its not that I want to play to field, or even explore my sexuality with men, or anything like that.  I simply... am struggling with the edicts of my christianity, as well as with the wants, desires, and expectations of my family.

Now, don't get me wrong, I am not one of those children who live their entire lives  following the whims and desires of their parents. If I truly believe in something then i will fight for it. I can stand up to my mom when I have a strong conviction in something.

But the fact of the matter, is that i am not sure of myself. I know what i feel, i know what i want, i know what makes me happy; but i don't know if those things are 'good enough'.

Being a raised a conservative christian girl, and growing into a young lesbian woman... its a difficult transition emotionally.

Whereas i am confident in my relationship with my girlfriend. I am not confident in how my God sees it.

God, Family, Friends/Lovers, Has always been my thing. Those were the things that were important to me. They Still are. But now, when the first two are clashing with the second two.... I don't know where to turn.

I can deal with out my families acceptance. I love them but we will not always agree.

But God? Well, i am a lot more beholden to his whims, and approvals than anyone else. If he is not for me, than nothing else matters.

Because of this, though all know my preference, my decision to love women as i do ( for me personally it WAS a choice as i am actually bisexual), am still as scared and as lonely as someone in the closet.
In this situation i am my own worst critic.
I want to believe that God will accept me passed all of this, but it's hard to over throw the doctrine you have held to be true for so long.

I LOVE my christianity. It fulfills me in ways no other thing or person can. But i am IN LOVE with my girlfriend, she makes me happy, and enriches my life in ways that i don't want to part with.

Right now, for me it's a struggle. I haven't met anyone else who understands my plight, although i KNOW there are others. Hopefully here on e.p. I'll find someone who can encourage me. In love, compassion, and understand. Hopefully i can find someone who will relate, and better yet. Maybe my ramblings will encourage someone else.

I have no idea at this moment. Right now i'm just wandering in the dark.

MissVenom MissVenom
22-25, F
1 Response Aug 14, 2010

I think what matters at the end of the day is that you love in whatever form :-)