Where Do I Begin....?

I just read "Annie on My Mind" and "Dare Truth or Promise." Both books are about two girls who fall in love during there teenage years. Reading those books made my heart beat a little faster.

I also have fallen in love with, not one, but two girls.

I will start at the begining. When I was fifteen, I met a girl named Michelle. We connected immediately and became best friends almost instantly. She had golden blond hair and crystal blue eyes. She had the most beautiful creamy smooth skin. We were very affectionate with each other. The most affectionate I had ever been with a girl, or guy for that matter. We never had kissed, but just her touch alone would sent shock waves through my body. Just the scent of her smell and being around her would make my heart jump and my chest would ache.

We both grew up in a very conservative religion. I knew I could never act on what I was actually feeling for her. I was scared of what she would think of me.

Soon, she began dating and having boyfriends. I was jealous. I wanted to be the one kissing her beautifully thick lips. I was also jealous of her time being taken away from me. We started to fight a lot and my heart was starting to break.

I remember I was in my room crying one night after we had gotten into a fight. My mother came into my room and told me that she once had really strong feelings for her best friend when she was my age. She even thought she might be gay. She said she started to grow up and realized it was just a faze and that she really was attracted to guys. So I thought maybe what I was going through was just a faze too.

I went to college not far from home. Michelle and I were friends off and on. On when she didn't have a boyfriend and off when she did. She met a guy in my group of college friends. They started dating seriously. She started to use me for a place to crash while she was down visiting him. I told her that I can't have her staying at my place if I was never going to have a chance to hang out with her. She stopped staying at my place, but kept on seeing her boyfriend. He lived in the same apartment building as me. It was like torture seeing her car parked by his place and knowing that she was only on the other side of the building, but I could not get near her.

I moved back home and tried to move on. I met a guy and started to love him. The feelings were not as intense as what I felt for Michelle. My heart never jumped when he was near me and shock waves never went through my body when he touched me, I still loved him though. I married him and now have 2 little girls with him. We are still married.

About a year after we married, my husband's best guy friend got married too. The four of us hung out together a lot. At first I didn't have much of a connection with his wife. But as the years went on and as our friendship grew, I began to have feelings for her. One New Year's Eve, she gave me a midnight kiss. It wasn't a big kiss, just a peck, but it still sent shock waves through my body. It started all over again. Being around her made my heart beat faster. I was not as affectionate as I was with Michelle. I didn't want her to think I was a freak. Finally, I said "to hell with it" and I told her I was "curious" about girls. Shortly after that conversation, she stopped being my friend.

So now it has happened twice. I fell in love with 2 girls and both of them stopped being my friend. Because of the feelings I have felt for these women are so much stronger and so different from the feelings I have for my husband, I know I am gay. Wow!!! I said it for the first time.

Because I am married, I probably will never act on my true feeling for a women. At least, not until my children are grown up and moved out. At least 14 more years. I am scared that when I am ready to truly open up to a women, there won't be anybody that I have strong feelings for. I will be 42 by then and I am scared I will be to old for a women to be interested in me .
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2 Responses Jul 9, 2010

I have had similar experiences... And now married with kids and everything. I wish I had made different choices but my life is good. Just that nawing feeling that I should have been with a woman and major crushes on one of my closest friends :-(<br />
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It's nice to hear that I'm not totally crazy (At least if I am than you are too as are the other women on this site! LOL... ) I feel selfish that I have this great life and still feel off... <br />
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Thanks for sharing :)

Thanks for your sharing! Good luck.