Trapped! Fiance & 2 kids

**Damn that "Real L Word" Show! 
It has brought back old feelings I thought I locked away.!!

Help! I've fallen in the Closet and can't get out! 
I am not sure how I should begin. I have started and restarted this story at least 5 times.

Ok... I'll start off with this

I have been in a relationship with a man for 11 years now. We have 2 little girls together. I am not sure if I am just getting that "over this relationship itch" or what! 
I have been attracted to both men and women my ENTIRE LIFE. I really do mean that. My first sexual encounters with both male and female happened in the same year. I was 6 years old! Yes, I said it, 6 years old! 
I had a crush on a little boy in the neighborhood, but I also had a crush on a little girl in my neighborhood as well.
During games of Hide&Go-Seek I would hide with him and we would kiss and touch other under the Apt stairs and then that same night I would have a sleep over her house and we would fondle each other the whole night.

When I was 18 years old and I would go out and party. My friends would get drunk and kiss each other all the time. I thought about joining in on the "fun". But I think I kinda knew that if I started doing it for "fun" that it would become "serious". And I did NOT want to date any of my girl friends. Not my type and BIG ******! LoL

Fast forward to about 7 years ago, I became very close friends with a female co-worker. She told me in confidence that she was a lesbian. I was intrigued. We did "mess" around a couple of times but it never progressed into anything more. Especially since I was in (and still am) a relationship with my children's father. Also during the time, I became pregnant with kiddy #2. My "man" also became very uncomfortable with my "friendship" with my co-worker and I guess for good reason. But she really was a great friend to me. And I know that if I ever needed her should would be there for me with the drop of a hat. 

I am not sure what I am trying to say. My story actually sounds really stupid as a read it over and over again.

Anyway... I know that I am NOT happy in my relationship. The SEX SUCKS! I don't know if I just don't want it or I just don't want it with him. So I guess I will just go with both. I feel like my life is wasting away. I feel like I cant be ME! 
I don't want to be the bad guy and break up with him. But I do know that I would really like to try a relationship with a woman. I also don't want to confuse my kids or my family and hurt everyone in between while I try to find myself either.

Does any of this make sense? 

Good thing this is ANONYMOUS cuz I'm feeling really stupid/silly right now. 
iSecretTreasure iSecretTreasure
26-30, F
3 Responses Jul 15, 2010

Thanks Ladies<br />
I am just really scared because I know that no matter what I do, SOMEONE is going to get hurt. <br />
<br />
I feel like I should talk about this with someone in my Real World. I have thought about telling my mom how I feel. But I don't want to SHOCK her with my "if's".<br />
<br />
I need to take baby steps. I need to figure out how I feel about my fiance`. Its just not fair to him to continue with my half *** emotions.

Oh please don't feel silly or stupid that is what EP is here for, I believe you are at a point in life when you are questioning exactly what you wanna do. Men/Women, I know it must be a tough choice for some but I think we should always follow our hearts. As long as you stay honest with your friends and family you shouldn't worry about hurting them, they are your support, they will love you no matter what !! You want to try a relationship with a woman I think you should do it, but I will warn you, women come with the same feelings and emotions that men do. The last thing you wanna do is get in a relationship that you are not ready to handle and end up hurting someone you care about !! Good Luck to you !!

you're not silly or stupid. i'm sorry you are going through this. a lot of gays and lesbians are afraid of coming out for fear of being rejected or hurting their loved ones, and I do understand it can be especially hard for bisexual people too. it sounds like you would benefit from getting it all out there. share here more if you can, not everyone here will think of your stories as silly at all. a lot of lesbians/bi women are unfortunate enough to not piece it together until much later in their lives. it's nothing to be ashamed of, though i understand your concerns about your kids, etc. a lot of us have similar circumstances. good luck with how things work out, i hope you can find a sympathetic and non-biased ear from someone in your real world too, this is tough stuff to work out alone.