I Feel Helpless!!!

I have been with my boyfriend since we were both sixteen, on and off, but pretty much hes always been there for me.
I am now 22. In the past two years I have been having some really confusing thoughts. I find myself staring at girls for that little bit too
long, fantasising about girls, watching girl on girl **** (lol), and even hooking up with girls at gay bars and stuff, (most of the time while me &
my bf were on 'breaks' but there have been a few times in which I have cheated on him with a girl.
I don't find myself being sexually attracted to him anymore, which must SUCK for him, I dont enjoy having sex with him and find it kind of
like a chore, something I HAVE to do, to keep him happy. I love him so much, but I'm not IN love with him, its like I care for him as a bestfriend,not a lover. Then theres the problem with well what am I going to do about it? To be honest I AM **** SCARED of coming out, its taken me a long time to accept to myself I am gay, and am I just freaking about how my friends and family will react. Then it comes down to breaking up with my boyfriend, he is honestly the most decent kind hearted guy I have met and I do love him, but it is not fair to him or me, to keep going on the way we are, when my heart is really not in it. Please help, I feel like im going insane!!!
CrazyBeautifuL420 CrazyBeautifuL420
22-25, F
7 Responses Jul 20, 2010

Just tell him and make a clean brake.

Thanks everyone for all your advise. I have taken all your words on board and made the first step. I have broken things off with my (now ex) boyfriend. It was hard, but when it came down to it, I realised that living a true life, one where I can be the real me, and be happy and have others accept me as I truely am, is far more important than 'pretending' just to please others and feeling stink myself. I already feel a like a huge weight has been lifted, and am looking foward to begginning a new journey of freedom & happiness & love!!!

To all of you out there who are struggling with any of these major life choices, you need to look within and find your inner strength. It is there. All of the talk of your family disowning all of you....you are putting their needs and wants before your own. I have not spoken to my mother in almost two years and we were very close. But sometimes things happen, sometimes things are said. Sometimes there is a hurt too big that you can't move beyond it. If this is the case with your family you will adapt. They will adapt. Life is constantly changing and to try to stay in a way of life that no longer is fulfilling or true to who you are is not only, denying yourself true happiness, but you are missing out on what the experience of life should be all about. Celebrating who we all are. What our differences are. Enjoying ourselves. Seeing the humor. Being honest. There will always be excuses to fall back on for any situation, but you really have to cut through the bs and ask yourself, "What do I want from MY life?" All of the other crap will fall to the sides and you will move on....happy. Possibly there will be painful times, again, that is life. I have survived so much and I can tell you first hand that I have taken all of it and put it aside to go and build my own life that is fulfilling....and you know what, it was worth every fight, every tear, and every moment of feeling utterly alone. You can all do it and deserve to live your life for yourselves.

I am on the exact same boat..Having sex with my bf is a chore, literally!!! But I don't know if I am strong enough to come out.. I mean, my family went crazy over me dating someone (a man!!) with a different nationality than me.. Dating a WOMAN would crush them, to say the least. They will probably disown me.. no, not probably.. definitely! What to do? What to do? :( I too am not married and don't want to.. It'll be a lot more complicated once you have a husband and a kid or two. However, I think I am ready to end things with the guys I've been seeing for a year, I just CAN'T do it anymore. Also, another thing that scares me is my career.. I want to be successful in my career and see myself as a CFO or something of that level in 10 years or so.. and I feel like being a lesbian and having a wife or being in a relationship with a woman would be a hurdle. How successful can you possibly be in a male dominated world (let's face it, all top positions in majority of the companies are held by men) if you are a lesbian.. <br />
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Another problem I have is that I don't look lesbian or anything.. How do you meet girls if you don't give any lesbian vibes and no way am I the first move type of a person.. I would have to be approached.. and I only like girly girls.. Butch lesbians don't do it for me.. My life completely sucks!

i think the advice was wise too. being young and unmarried, you have the choice now to come out, even if you don't do it loudly, like the first responder suggested... try 3 to 5 close friends, tell them, let them deal with it, and wait it out awhile. i'm trying a few close people to test the waters myself, lol. <br />
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with regards to your boyfriend, like Hilltopgirl i made the mistake of getting married and having kids before i let myself be who i really am. i have a second chance, thanks to my strange circumstances but i am still not ready to come right out yet, lol! i hope you see this time as an opportunity for turning your life around and living your truth. lots of luck, i hope things turn out great for you.

I really don't know what to tell you cause I'm almost in the same situation with coming out part, I'm afraid too. But the one thing I can tell you is to break up with your bf, the more you wait, it's gonna be harder. If you don't want to you don't have to tell him that you're gay yet, but you have break up with him. you'll feel more at ease with yourself believe me.

nzgirl420<br />
perhaps it was the 420 that drew me in, but i have been on this site for an hour and only felt the need to comment on your particular situation. from what i gathered from your story it appears that you don't have any children....this makes life a lot easier. in most situations i would say that you should try to stay and work on the marriage, but if you are gay than that is a non negotiable. i think you need to come out to your closest inner circle, the 3-5 closest people in your life. i wouldn't ask them for their input or advice, but consider it a dry run as the hurdles you will have to cross with everyone else. next, time to tell your husband that you want to get a divorce because you are gay. he will be angry. he will be insulted. you need to explain how you realized this yourself and reassure him that it has nothing to do with him, and long term, you are better off both moving on. then, the family stuff....be honest. keep your head up. there is going to be a lot of anger coming your way and you need to allow people to work through their own issues they have about it and take a step away, be quiet, don't engage. time will pass, and you will heal most of the relationships that may be damaged, and the ones that aren't, probably were already limited to begin with. remember, this is your one life to live and you have to make decisions from a place of what you want and need, not based out of guilt. good luck and keep your chin up. there is absolutely nothing wrong with being gay. there is something wrong with living a lie.