Hi there. i want to tell my story here and i hope that some of you will find it meaningful enough to write me a few words in response.(and  sorry for my english Im not a native speaker )

I think ive always been that way. Looking back on my child years I remember being attracted to my girlfriends especially those who were older then me. I always thought that it is the way it should be and everyone feels the way I do. As I grew older I was always "going with the flow". I would never do something odd or weird or something that some might consider not right. I just wanted to be like all the rest.   During my school years I was dating boys. I always felt that something was wrong but I never could come up with the thought that I might be gay. I think mostly because there were no such people around me and I never met any. It took me some time to figure that out and I think when I was in  my last year in high school I finally realized that I was gay but I still didnt want to accept it myself so I continued on struggling with guys. I had a boyfriend who was very sweet and kind and amazing and he loved me so much and I loved him too but not the way he did. I felt like he is my best friend but not the lover. I was never physically attracted to him. 

So after I graduated from high school I went to college. 

New people, new friends, new life. And again everyone around is straight. I dont say that there were no gay people around. They certainly were, but certainly not around me. So once again I was going with the flow. I made a lot of new friends and we were having lots of fun together for the first couple of years in college.  Parties, trips and everything. It was real fun. I sort of put away all my thoughts and feelings about my gayness. To be honest I wasnt even so sure myself if I was gay or not. And of course I couldnt even imagine in the scariest dream that my friends will somehow know. 

And meanwhile everyone was dating everyone. And I was alone. all alone. And the worst thing about it was that a lot of really nice guys showed their interest in me and they wanted to date me but I would always find a "reason" not to be with this guy or that guy. and of course it was only me who knew what was the real issue.

As the time passed I started to realize that I cant live like that anymore, I dont want to be around these people, I need to find someone and stop living a lie. The worst thing in all this was that i was alone. I couldnt confide in anyone I knew. I was too scared. And to be honest still not sure.

Then suddenly one day it happened. I met a girl. Actually we met a few years before since we were taking the same course, but we never spoke or anything. It just happened like this she sat in front of me in the class turned around and asked me what kind of music I like. So we started to talk and I dont know what It was, some call it gay radar or something I dont know, but I knew she was interested in me in "that way" even though we didnt talk about anything else but music for the next few moths and we didnt see each other anywhere but in class. Just the way she looked at me and smiled at me. It was obvious. After three months of staring at each other and smiling like idiots without saying a word it happened so that she asked me if i can drive her home. It was a long drive and all the way we were talking about some random stuff until she took my hand in hers and said that she likes me and if she is not wrong i like her too. And then she kissed me. Since that moment I didnt have any more doubts. it was finally clear to me, what I was looking for all that time.

Im not going to tell what happened later with that girl, its been too long story already. Im not even sure that someone would read it all.

anyway, I still have to tell that Im not out to any of my friends, Im still scared. I feel like they wont accept it. And I dont know what to do with that, because It is impossible to keep that inside especially when you have to lie all the time. I feel like i have double life or something.

It has become easier since I told it to my cousin, we have always been close with him and he is absolutely fine with who I am. he supports me and loves me no matter what. Thanks a lot for that. but still it is hard to know that I cant tell everybody I wish I could tell.

thanks for reading all this.
valeria22 valeria22
22-25, F
4 Responses Jul 22, 2010

it's better to confess first to your friends before your family. The best way to confess to your friends is through online chat. That's how i did it and it worked, when I met them personally they were all supportive. don't waste your youth hiding from what you really are, don't get stuck. Live your life! =D<br />
Wish you all the best.

If your friends about your sexuality, if they can't accept you for who you are then they're not real friends. If your really scared try mentioning the subject of gayness and see how they react. If you do come out and they don't understand depending on which country you're in there's generally quite a few gay associations or clubs etc where you can find people who won't judge you. Good luck, I really hope they accept you, and if they don't just remember other people will, and it's not a crime, it's natural- else it wouldn't happen.

she got married haha

oh its ok...tell us what happened with the girl...we will definitely read it :)