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I'm a Closeted Lesbian

I'm not sure how I got to this point. It's like I have two different lives--two sets of friends, two sets of stories; everything split rather unequally to fit into 'gay' and 'normal'. Not straight. Normal.


My mother is my idol, and she's the hardest-working, most beautiful woman I know. She loves holidays. She worries about me, wherever I am. She calls the family dog my 'baby brother'. She's just a wonderful person, and I love her more than I love anyone else in the world. If I came out to her, she would accept me. But...I can't put her through it. She's done so much for me. I'll probably never get married. If I have kids, it'll be with another woman--knowing my tastes, probably not the kind of woman you bring home to your mom. More than anything I wish this choice could be standardized, rote, like my life now--get good grades, go to college, get a good job, buy a house--but there's no white-picket standard for the life of a lesbian. I want her to be able to have faith that I will end up happy and in love and supported, and she can't do that if I tell her truth. The civilized world disapproves of me but she's such a kind woman...she'd struggle with trying to approve of me anyway, and I just...I'm a coward. I'm a coward for both of us.


My father is a product of his family, just like I'm a product of mine. He's not perfect, but he is there. He answers my questions, jokes with me, encourages me, and flies into terrifying rages when he thinks I've made a mistake. I love the man, but he threatened to disinherit me when I went to the wrong college. What will he do when he thinks I picked the wrong life? I know he waits for the other shoe to drop all the time--he's always afraid I'm going to do something wrong and ruin my future, and he wants to protect me from that. He thinks he does it for the best, but in reality, it just means I hide things from him. I hide anything I think could upset him, anything that will distance us, because that road is already rocky. I love my dad, and I don't want to lose him.


Last week I was doing a few shots in my friend Katie's room down the hall from me. Ryan popped his head in for a nightcap even though he's not supposed to be on the girls' floor. It seems to be a less serious transgression because he's so flamingly gay. After he left Katie leans in and explains, "I love gay guys! They're just so fabulous! You know?" And I did. "But like, I can't handle lesbians. Like, I seriously just can't do lesbians, you know?" And again, I do. At least I think I do. Gay guys are less threatening because they're effeminate. But Katie 'can't do' lesbians, because they're not fabulous. For Katie, and for many other people, lesbians are serious, strong, righteous, and above all, hypersexualized--dykes always check out her a**. But I am completely atypical of what Katie doesn't like about lesbians. What most people don't like about lesbians. I'm a pushover. I'm comfortable and extroverted with anyone, with men, women, children, teachers and classmates, salespeople, coworkers, complete strangers. I've got no bone to pick with anyone. Que sera sera. Katie 'couldn't do' lesbians...but she could 'do' me.


But I feel like this awful stereotype is a popular one. I fear it is. I don't tell my friends I'm gay--I don't want them to be afraid of me. My roommate constantly offers to set me up with guys she knows; my friends think it's weird that I'm perpetually single. I'm pretty. Okay that's a lie. I'm a bombshell. Okay that's a lie too. But I could certainly get more action than I seem to get.
On the other hand, I get discriminated against for 'looking too straight' when I'm out with the Big Lesbians Club. I don't think this has so much to do with the fact that I'm closeted, it's just how I am; I like my hair long and blonde, I like Victoria's Secret, I like painting my nails and overreacting about bugs. But it kinda sucks, you know? I never even blip on people's gaydar (more than once people have assumed I'm someone's straight-friend-tagalong at gay bars). I have to be frank with women I'm interested in, which also sucks, because I'm not frank. I remember clearly sitting outside a Starbucks downtown and staring helplessly at this truly fine sister leaving the store with her coffee. She saw me looking. She said something to the effect of 'Is there something I can do for you?' Now I'm too much of a pu**y to shoot off a 'You look nice. You work out?' but I'm just enough of a smarta** to say 'You.' She didn't know I was gay, though. She got stared at every single day. Her hair was buzzed, she was...well, let's say well-built...and she was wearing guys' cargos that fit her in a way that should be illegal. People probably stared at her everywhere she went, and I can't imagine everyone's faces were as appreciative as mine.


Thankfully for me my friend came out with her coffee just a moment after that (and my friend has brass balls) and she diffused the situation with a truly awful come-on about a laser. But that whole situation I brought upon myself. I'm not 'dykey', but that doesn't prevent me from being an out lesbian. I can wear tacky rainbow jewelry. I can put gay pride pins on my purses. I can discuss my lesbianism and compliment other lesbians without feeling like I got my hand caught in the cookie jar. I'm not exactly inexperienced here--I'm just a coward. I'm afraid of what people will think of me and say to me. I hate that I'm such a loser, but I don't know a way to make this part of myself fit without compromising everything else. If this weren't an issue, I doubt I'd place so much emphasis on my sexuality. Self-expression is tantamount to burgeoning teenage sexuality, but I've never wanted to bring my girlfriends home or decorate my room with pictures of lesbian singers, or flirt with every dyke that catches my eye. But I'm a lesbian. And I feel like I should be doing things like that to proclaim my gayness, and because I'm not, I'm a bad lesbian.
Like I said, I'm not sure how I got to this point. And I'm really not sure what I do now that I'm here.

*Thank you to everyone who's commented. I know a lot of comments advocate just coming out to everyone and letting the chips fall where they may, and believe me, I've thought about it. I've heard it before. A lot of girls from the BLC tell me if my friends and family really care about me, they'll get over it and accept me for who I am. I just can't shake the cynicism that this isn't a movie or a sitcom on the Disney Channel...my mother, my father, my roommates...they're the most important people in my life, but they're still just people. And people make mistakes, all the time. Fathers are not infallible. Mothers are not all-knowing. Friends like you for you, for how you seem, for what you are, not who you are underneath. I can't knowingly throw myself to the wind, I can't let go of one vine before I have another in hand. I need a place to live, I need somewhere to go for the holidays, I need people to hug, I need roots. I need these people. A clean break is not an option here. I guess I have to figure out how to muddle through, despite how unglamorous and unheroic it may seem. And I guess, underneath, that's the problem here. Thank you again, everyone

~

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Harpertrap Harpertrap 18-21, F 175 Responses Dec 28, 2007

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Me too , I have the seem feelings , but I don't know how to express my feelings , in Middle East , and I don't know what to say

I don't have lesbian friends,maybe it is worse?

I was raised in a devout Christian, immigrant family. Personally, I don't consider myself to be religious in any way (I'm an agnostic atheist) but I haven't told my family about that. And, I've been struggling with my sexuality as well. I know that being gay is perfectly natural, and I have no problem with the idea of OTHER people being gay. But, when it comes to me, I cringe at the thought of coming out. I love my family, and my friends, but I just feel like they won't accept me if I tell them. They want me to get married, have kids, and live that "normal" lifestyle. And, I want a family too, but every time I contemplate my future I find myself thinking about being with a woman, traveling the world, and just living life in a free, joyous way. At the same time, I strive to make my family happy. It's a difficult balance. Thanks for this article, it really resonated with me.

Same here..

Add me, i'm in a similar closet.

So beautiful. Love it you're a lesbian

Same boat here matey xxx

If you really want to come out. Do it now.. Just accept what your moms response. Everything will change and I know you won't regret this :-)

I love woman. I'm looking to share pics, maybe video chat or make videos, share sex secrets and make long lasting penpals.... all races, sizes, etc welcome. I'm a true freak, I don't discriminate.

Would you like to talk to me. I am a psychic & spiritual reader lesbian. Love your pic Willomeana.

I am too. I'm living two separate lives because what my family may thinks....

Me 2 I feel like a fake

hi dear

I understand how that feels, I kinda live a very separate life around hetersexuals.

I just read this and at the age of 22 and just finally accepting this I can totally relate. I have never been with a women intimately and I feel that it will be a long time till I am with one because I don't look gay and I don't always act like the typical lesbian. Then again what is the typical lesbian suppose to act like. I mean I am also a long haired beauty. It is interesting for me to be at this age and where I live to be a lesbian, because the area is small and the one women I was getting to know got bothered by the fact that I had never been with a women before so we stopped talking. She basically did what companies do to college graduates. "Sorry but we can't hire you because you don't have enough experience." How the heck am I suppose to get that experience if people shut me down!

Wow I just read this and it is beautiful and so relatable, like many others have said. I am very similar to you and it's remarkable to know other femme lesbians go through this too. You're wonderful! I hope you've become more comfortable with telling people about your sexuality at this point. Best of luck!! xo

I know this was written some time ago (years) but it is so relatable and honest. It is very helpful for people with questions. You are so honest. I hope that you found what is a peaceful way of being for yourself. I hope you were finally able to come out if that is what you really were ready to do.

Thank you!

That was by far the most relatable and well written story I have read here. Every time I think the time is right to tell my family, something else happens that completely shatters that concept. Thank you for posting your story, I have the feeling that it helped a lot of people. :)

Good luck with your coming out, i hope it goes well and you have a happy fulfilled life :)

Thank you, I wish you the same. =)

I love your writing, it intrigues me! Besides the fact that your story rings a bell for all of us, love your manner of writing.

I can't believe how much i relate to your story, thank you for sharing. Your family sounds so loving, but of course that never means they'll react that loving about this. I completely understand, mine is the same and what i came to decide is to wait until i'm independent. Maybe then i can tell them and if it doesn't turn out well at least i won't be on the streets wandering on my own with no money. It's a cold way to figure this out, but i can't think on anything else :/ best wishes for you :)

hi therehi supp? I m a gujju Jain GAY guy from vile parle -Mumbai .. well settled in lyf ...I have done my mba and now working in my own family business ... I m looking for a lesbian girl to be friends with and if we like and understand each other then we can look at getting married for our convinience Please do revert
i am also available at
newrshah@gmail.com

Well written.... i think you revealed your personality just by writing this.... and i must say i really like it... very interesting.... good writing skills by the way... =)

If this is about you having trouble with showing you're gay then the only sure fire way to get it out is to say "I'm gay".

But also if you can't seem to do lesbians then maybe you need to try some exercises in the mirror. Try dressing like these dykes and practicing talking to yourself in the mirror.

Sounds like good advice Harpertrap. I would accept what ever my daughter told me about her personal preferences but at your age I would not expect her to tell me everything. I don't need to know everything. Part of being an effective parent is knowing when to let go. The longer your parents cling to the illusion of control the more they will suffer. It is not your fault. There is probably nothing you can do about it.

It sounds like your parents really love you and care about your future and what you will grow up to be someday. They are trying their best to nurture and guide you in a direction in life that they think will make you happy. More parents should take that level of interest in raising their children. That said, your circle of life is your parents, their friends and your friends at school. It would be a tremendous challenge with much stress on you, your friends, school, and your family to "announce" now that you are a lesbian. Their is more to life, especially at your age, than focusing your life around your sexual orientation. There is school, hopefully college and many decades of living and enjoying life as you want to be when you are on your own. When you are on your own, you will find as time goes by that you develop new circles of friends and relationships. You will have a choice as to whom is in your circle of friends. When the time is right to tell your parents, then you only have two loved ones who have to adjust your to chosen sexual preference (not the whole school and all your current friends). Be patient, when you are an official adult, and making your own decisions in life, your parents will adjust, as you are their daughter. And at that time, you will have a new circle of friends in the future to lean on for support and understanding -- and your coming out will be much less stressful than it would be now in your life. But only you know how much pressure you can take, how strong you are to be able to announce to the world that you are a lesbian. Be patient. If you wait a few years after school, it probably will be a much less stressful event, you will be a stronger more together person, and have a better idea as to who you are in life. When you give the air of complete confidence that you know who you are sexually, your parents will be less likely to try and retrain you to their ideal daughter, as you will already be grownup.

your story made me tear up, its absolutely beautiful, your feelings are so true and so real. I am exactly where you are and I don't know what to do about it. I want to tell my parents so badly but I feel like that will be a mistake because maybe its possible... that I'm not gay. I keep kidding myself by saying that. Being with a woman feels so right, I finally feel like I understand myself but what good is that if I cant be myself in my every day life? Thank you so much for sharing your story. I've been searching for someone I can relate to and I finally feel like i'm not alone.

never been able to relate to anything more in my life, thank you for posting this. Drop me a mail we can talk.

It isn't quite such a black and white choice as people make out. There are lots of ways you can do this much more gradually. Build up trust with people in your 'normal' life (straight people) first. Make sure you feel that your relationship is at the stage where you can trust them not to tell, and then see if they treat you differently. Once you feel comfortable, move on to someone else, and build up to telling your roommates gradually, or after you have moved out. And yeah, it's **** that you feel you have to keep quiet, but the fact that you shouldn't have to feel like that doesn't change the fact that right now you do. That isn't your fault, and it doesn't make you a loser. It's just that most people are ignorant, and need educating.

Just f@8£ck of no one cares about your problem

If you don't agree to her post?? Then don't ******* go writing a negative remark!! It's not needed!! Is her life and she can express whatever she feels!!

I think it's frustrating that most of the Western world thinks people should have to "come out" or announce they are LGBT. Heterosexuals don't have to announce they are straight... I should know because I'm straight. It just seems so unfair and unequal that there needs to be a time where this announcement is necessary.

It's not necessary imo... I've been the person whom people have "come out" to & it's awesome that I was trusted but at the same time it hurts my heart because I feel it wasn't needed.


There's nothing wrong with being LGBT! And the fact that this person feared they would be judged just makes me so angry.

:/

wow. thank you. I'm not alone.

I was moved by your story Harpertrap. When I was a regular church goer some young females at church 'came out' to the community and were treated horribly by the rumor mill. That is not at all 'Christ like' in my opinion. As a consequence I no longer attend that church. It certainly sorted them out and did me more good than a hundred pious sermons. I miss it though. They weren't all like that. Some are honest and have a heart of gold but the few spoil it for the many. I understand your desire to maintain a 'normal' appearance. The choice between living a lie and facing how narrow minded people are can be costly and painful. I think it made me stronger. I still have hope and faith for the future but many of those people were not the friends I thought they were. I suppose I found 'the treasure buried in the field' but I found an awful lot of trash too. Maybe I should not judge. The treasure is still real even if the friends were not.

You write a good, true, honest story. Thank you.

Don't worry, you are NOT the only one in the closet and afraid. I've been, let's just say, different for a while now, but I'm afraid of what the family will say. They'll probably tell me it's just another phase I'm going through, but I am most certain it is not. I'm not exactly lesbian, but I'm not exactly straight, which just so happens to be the type of person my parents tend to ridicule the most. I'm attracted to tomboyish girls because, like you, I'm quite the girly girl, and no matter how many conversations I have with people, they never take me seriously. Sometimes I wish that I could just have a big stamp on my forehead saying "I'm Bi"

Yupe i been there but i was also scare to lose my best friend and scare to be treated diff. By a best friend ,i told her i was lesbian then she look at me and said it waz fine and that we are still people no matter wat no word will change who you are and excepted me who i waz but now we are closer than ever :)

I know the struggle, coming from a religious family who can't even understand my lack of faith and threatened to disown me for it.

On the other hand, the first person I ever told that I had a crush on was my best friend. I'd been struggling with my feelings for her for months, and I was so afraid she'd be repulsed by me or act different or weird.
So I brought it up slowly, asked her what she thought about gay rights and things..told her how people used to ask me if I was gay because I looked/acted/walked/talked like a typical lesbian.

And then one night I told her. Granted it was 2AM, I was exhausted and I'd been crying/running in the snow/smoking all night and I was just done with being afraid so I told her.

And she took it so incredibly well, we're closer than ever now and I KNOW that's the ideal situation (after her professing mutual attraction of course ;)) but it was so empowering and just an overall euphoric experience. Just knowing someone knows this secret of yours that you're so ashamed of [and let's be real, we're all kind of ashamed of it. If only because we assume people will treat us differently because of it.].

So that's my advice. Good luck love!

Your story is quite moving...I certainly empathize with your feelings about coming out to your friends and family. My family is very religious. When I told my grandmother that I don't identify as a Christian, I thought she was going to experience a traumatic brain event. However, she came to accept my decision and continued to be very loving and supportive. Also, I have, due to my political beliefs, received some rather hateful responses on FB. Returning to the issue at hand, many of my friends have lost their families and have experienced discrimination from both the LGBT community as well as the "straight" community. I humbly request you check out my profile, DarkWillow92. I am currently conducting research on discrimination--as it relates to structural and direct violence--and would very much appreciate you sharing your experiences with me. I know it must be very difficult to find yourself in the position you describe above. The 'civilized' world you mention does not seem so civil at times, yeah? Take care of yourself. You deserve to be happy.

Try not to think too much.Just fucus on the one you want love. Centre your thoughts on career, purpose and objectives in this world. Always you will find yourself being attracted to others and they you, but you must be in control of your life if you wish to progress. LOL. Willomeana.Please vist my profile.

oh men were in the same boat.. it sucks right... being a coward, afraid that everyone will turn they're back on you once you came out of the closet..sometimes i just want to explode for keeping this secret identity all by myself..

Harpertrap,

I dated a girl that was a closet gay. At the very beginning of dating I didn't put things together because we were still getting to know each other. I begin to notice little things that might hint she might be gay and I just ignored it. I became more attached and she became more annoyed. For the last year we fought every other day. We have broken up and got back together so many times that it isn't even funny. I think that we both suffered in are relationship due to the fact that I was deeply attracted to her and she didn't have the courage to tell me the truth. I wish she had told me early on that she struggled with her sexuality. It would have been better than the last year that we spent going back and forth with each other. I tried asking her if she had any interest in other girl but she always denied it. You owe it to yourself to do what makes you happy. I just wish I was enough of a friend to the girl that I dated that I would have never judged her for doing what makes her happy

I just want to start this off by saying that this is beautifully written. Sorry, I couldn't help but think that the first time I read it. The second thing.. I can't say I completely understand, but I do get what you're saying. We live in a society that cannot recognize the term 'lesbian' naturally, and I don't think we ever can with all those stereotypes. It can't be helped..
If only.

It is hard. Before I came out to my family about being bisexual I use to think like you too. Then came depression, anxiety, low self esteem and I just couldn't take it anymore. I had to get rid o this, tell the people I love. I couldn't protect them any longer because if I did for another day then I was going to explode and harm myself. Love mom and dad, but I had to live own life too. They lived theirs already; now it's my turn to live mine. Our parents did things that our grandparents didn't approve off either so I'm not the only one to disappoint my parents. Can live a lie anymore, if I fall inlove with another woman I will fight for her and no it is not a choice because I don't choose what I feel. And so do you. My friend, I encourage you to stop living by what others might say or think, don't be afraid. Other already think you are weird by not dating so minus well. Only you know how you feel and I hope one day you'll have that inner peace that I found when I became honest.

lostandconfused16sej,
That is Dangerous Ground on which you wish to tread!! If you attempt to pursue your Best Friend then you not only risk losing your Best Friend, and they are Difficult to come by, but also you cannot go after your Friend. There is a term for that. It is called a "Home-wrecker!!" It would appear that the two of them are very Happy together, and deep down, ask yourself How you would feel if you infringed upon that Happiness?? I think you know that is not right. You are just desperate for Love, and you already have established a close relationship with your Friend so, you Trust Her and Love Her, foundations for a relationship. But, She is UNAVAILABLE!! Not to mention the possibility of you having to face Her Girlfriend's wrath, if your Friend went along with the whole idea. No. Don't pursue this. It spells Disaster!! I'm sure that you are a Lovely Person, and, there are alot of other Lovely Women out there. Your Lesbianism you need to Embrace. However, these other feelings you have Must remain Closeted!! You are latching on to your Friend because She is close and Familiar and again, Trust is there!! Deny this and keep a good Friend. And, be patient, Love will find You, when You are not even Looking for it. And, with any Luck, it will be someone who will make your dreams come true!! You'll find someone. We are "Good and Plenty!!" By the way, I am an older Lesbian so, the advice I've given you is based on personal experience!! I have made alot of mistakes, along the way that Have Blown up in My Face!! Good Luck to You. "Good things come to those who wait." Keep your chin up!! Take Care.

Your story breaks my heart. Your life was mine for a long time. But it will be okay. It's always ok in the end.
You are probably on the other side of the world but if you ever need someone to chat to, I've been there.

It was nice to read "I like my hair long and blonde, I like Victoria's Secret, I like painting my nails and overreacting about bugs" because i was beginning to think i was weird. I'm 15 so still figuring out my feelings whether I'm Bisexual or Lesbian but reading things like this makes me seems less alone. I don't want to tell anyone yet, i need to figure it out but i now know it's not just me who isn't the stereotype of a lesbian!

I think I understand, there are all these people saying that if your family and friends care, they'll accept you, but you doubt that life is that easy, right? Something like that..

Anyways, I'm in a similar predicament and I wish you the best :) I hope you'll find what you're looking for

I'm 21 and in the same trap, except in Ireland. Smaller place, and smaller mindset perhaps. Thank you for this!

I'm 19, lesbian, hubby has no clue that mommy seduced me. Liked it became lez, love "closet", dark, secret and very forbidden!! That's how I like it!"

Sorry I got bored half way, hoping for sum horny stuff, b cuz i'm a lesbian that wants to stay wet 24/7!! Sorry

I am a 19 yr old girl. I live with my girl friend and own a lot of sex toys, you should get at least one to

this is so nice. So like my story. Im still not out. 19 and Ive only told a couple of my friends.

I know that you love your family and it's wonderful how much you care for them. But, life is so short. I wish you the best on your journey. Nobody can tell you what to do but you really need to make yourself happy!

it looks complicated. i dream to have a relationship with a girl. not only in the sexual way i will like to share the feeling with someone special. i had try to find a man who make me feel this way but i cannot get anywhere. i cannot admit or maybe i refuse to belive that i like women more that men.
you are so brave to admit who you are.

Feel free to join --Lesbianseeking。com --and see how your lesbian life becomes more active and romantic. Only two steps to set your FREE personals. Seek your ideal lesbian match now!

You go girls! Love who you want to love... more and more services come out on Internet focusing on Lesbian.such as Lesmingle。com . it's the world's first, largest and most trusted dating site for Lesbian.

Work up the Courage to Come out of the closet. You will feel much better, believe me, when you are Honest with who you are. And, then you can just be who you are--FREELY!!! I came out when I was 15. I had a Big-time Dysfunctional Family. So, it was like, a big **** You to them all. Do it, trust me.

You are not alone. Many people in the LGBT community are in the closet about their situations. I am an exploring T in that eqaution, and it isn't easy either to step and and be confident. At least you have family that you talk to, even if less supportive, which I have the same situation, if not worse, with a sibling's son question his gender, of which I get the blame. <br />
<br />
If I had to leave you with some sage advice. Be true to yourself, and think of yourself. If it makes you happy, then be confident, and be free. Those who discriminate you are those who didn't value you as a friend in the first place.

I friend just need your five minutes, I am in a strange situation and looking for someone.<br />
<br />
I am looking for a lesbian girl as a life partner as I am also gay, so that we both can help each other to live a better life ,in this way we can also keep our patents happy and can live in the society as normal person, in front of the world we will be couple and behind will be very good friends ,who understand and take care of each other in every situation, but for that we need to be friends first.<br />
<br />
i am from living in Delhi(basically from Rajasthan).I did my schooling from KV and then grad and pg , now i am working with a top IT company at good position .I am from a very simple middle class family, my both parents are in service sector.<br />
As i grown up i realize that i don't feel attraction toward girls but sometimes toward boys, Although i never been in physical relationship with any boy or girl .<br />
<br />
My parents are pressurizing me to get married as i am settled now, but i don't want to spoil any girl's life as i know i will never be happy to have physical relationship with a girl for whole life...so i decide to look for someone who is in same situation as of mine on Facebook and i am still searching.<br />
<br />
abt me I am a very simple person,jat by cast (i don't believe in it but my parents do) ,in free time i play,watch movies and like to spend time with friends ...... i am 5'11, weight 75, dikne me tekh takh hi hu .I look absolutely normal person.<br />
<br />
I am sending this request to everyone ,plz disregard this if it concerns you anyhow. Pls help me if your can, i will be highly grateful to you

Wow, I know how you feel. I've always thought of me being weird for thinking some women were attractive. This has been going on for years. I'm 24 and I have a boyfriend of 5 years. We live together and we have 2 beautiful boys, but lately the feelings of being with a girl have been very strong. I'll see a girl that attracts me and all i can do is stare like a dumbass. I'm in a very tough situation! I love my boyfriend and the father of my kids and he loves me very much. I couldn't imagine doing anything to him like leaving him, especially when he has done nothing wrong. Our intimate relations have become a little struggle but reguardless he still loves me. Then you have my kids... I could never split up with their father because of me being selfish.. But the feelings that I have of being with a woman and actually having a relationship with her are strong! I don't even know where to start.. I don't know how to meet any lesbians and I deff. wouldn't go into a lesbian club by myself and look stupid. If i even have one where I live. Nobody knows this but me and i'm so confused! If anybody has advice I would love to hear it.

I am in the same boat. Fiance, 2 kids and a struggle in the area of intimacy. I feel just as guilty as you. I turn 31 tomorrow. How can it be that I have gotten this far and yet, haven't actually fallen in love? :( booooo

Gosh! I you are a beautiful strong person inside and out. I wish you the best, with your life family, and etc. Reading this made me realize how tough it is for lesbians to be respected in societal life. I myself am in a bit of a gray area, but I dont have to deal with nearly the issues you face day to day. Women like you make me proud to say i 'like' other women. If only the world would see how sexuality should not be judged upon a person, but judged ba<x>sed on soul goodness.

Try and breach the subject with your friends and family and see how they feel. Like mention the Cali/Arizona storyline in Grey's Anatomy to your friend. See how she receives this it could open up the conversation about how lesbians come in all shapes and sizes and are as varied as heterosexual and bisexual women.<br />
<br />
Similarly maybe just pop it into conversation the next time you speak to your Mom that <br />
you were with friend X "and his boyfriend". This way you and they can all be prepared for an eventual discussion without having to take the leap of faith immediately.

Same here we should talk sometime inbox me;)

I'm<br />
In the same<br />
Situation. Even worse, I'm very scare! I hate myself for everything I do! I cried every nights, I suffering insomnia as well. In my mums mind I have alway been the little girl who is just so close to perfect. I don't know how Long I can handle this. I hate lying, I'm not livin my true self. I love my mum so much that I'm<br />
Not dare to do anything to upset her. She had been through so much and sacrifice her whole life for me. I don't know what I can do to make smile and live happily until the last day on earth. Becoz of her, I would rather marry a man, have kids, just like the other people. And ignore my feelings. This is my first year in uni, the feeling of hiding so much secrets from people is killing me each day. I thought of killing myself but, my mum will be the one suffering. I'm Soo tired!

I'd Actually destroy a pizza right now I'm starviiiiin, just thought I'd let you know.

I don't know if you are still watching this story after four years but I am replying because your father sounds so much like my mother who dominated, manipulated and tried to control as much of my life as she possibly could until she died in a nursing home in her 80's with dementia. I read your story very carefully and it gives the impression that you accept being a lesbian but your father does not, and you are understandably terrified of his rages and don't want to lose him so you hide the details of your personal life from him out of fear of rejection. Your secret may not be as well hidden as you think it is. Plenty of people my age have gay or lesbian children and whether or not they are on good terms with them, they KNOW. Even if he never admits this, or never finds out, his 'rage' will be painful to you and you will struggle to come to terms with it as I did. I may be wrong Harpertrap but my guess is that there is a good chance he already knows and his 'rage' is a form of blackmail to keep you on a short leash and under his control. If this is the case your being lesbian is irrelevant. All he wants is control, and fear and guilt are his tactical weapons. I may be taking liberties but he does not sound like a very loving father to me. I am a product of the same generation as your father and a pretty 'uptight' family. I would never blackmail my children with rage the way he has done to you or my mother did to me. There is no reasonable or fair excuse for it. That is domination not love.

First of all, you sound similar to myself. I put myself it the same type of situations with my straight friends. Also, sometimes a friend or family member will say something negative about a lesbian and I just have to nod or walk away from the topic. That stereotyping ****** me off. I have so many friends and such a big family I wonder everyday if it would change if I started living my life how i wanted to live it. Secondly, I wonder if I will ever really have the courage to tell my parents, i want to but not sure about it. I would just rather tell them when I am moving out, like btw, im gay!

First of all, you sound similar to myself. I put myself it the same type of situations with my straight friends. Also, sometimes a friend or family member will say something negative about a lesbian and I just have to nod or walk away from the topic. That stereotyping ****** me off. I have so many friends and such a big family I wonder everyday if it would change if I started living my life how i wanted to live it. Secondly, I wonder if I will ever really have the courage to tell my parents, i want to but not sure about it. I would just rather tell them when I am moving out, like btw, im gay!

stand up and be counted. It's often our own fears that get in our way! You, if this is who you are should not be ashamed, inhibited, or put down because of this. If you can't be you, you are the only person stopping you. I understand what it means to care about what others think. But, it's more then then, it's about what others we protect from something we justifiably want them to not have to worry about. But life isn't about denying your self, it's about living who you are. If there is nothing else I have learned in life. our loved ones will love us, if they truly do love us, if they do not, then why should we be more worried about them then we are ourselves.

I'm bi, only out to my parents ( I have awesome parents, but the rest of my family would fall over)... I haven't had a girl friend in years. I should note here that I am married. But I still get what you are saying. I live two lives too... not because of being bi - but because of our alternative lifestyle. We have our kink/poly friends and then our "vanilla" friends. I love both sets, but I have to keep them separate, I can't share kink/poly related ups and downs with my vanilla friends or my family, and it makes things difficult at times. But I know that just throwing open the doors and windows and sharing everything with everyone, wouldn't work for me. I have friends it works fine for, but we each have our own situations and I'm thankful that my out friends don't harass me about staying closeted. You do what you need to do in order to be comfortable... and tell those "friends" who put you down for not being out and tell you that if the other people in your life truly cared it wouldn't matter that if THEY truly care, it wouldn't matter to them if you stay closeted. *hugs*

I was raised without knowing about or thinking about relationships between two girls. Now Im pretty sure I love my best friend, who is a lesbian girl that already has a serious girlfriend. I don't know how or whether or not I should tell her. And possibly even if I did know, I don't think I could get my self to tell her. No one even knows I'm thinking about it. I'm kinda a pushover too, I do too much to fit in even tho I don't end up being me in the end. So this will probably be one of those things I never tell anybody, so I can still fit in and keep our friend ship

Incredibly written... WOW. Many have commented here. One thing I'll say (and it may already have been said, I didn't read through all the comments) is I eventually got to a point where my sexuality doesn't define me, it's just a part of me. I went through a lot with my family when I came out 16 years ago, but now it's not an issue. They've 'let it be.' I'm extremely close to my Mom - closer than ever before. Unfortunately it took my Dad passing away for that to happen. But sometimes it takes tragedy for people to just let things go and love...<br />
<br />
Anyways, you'll find your way... I wish you the best. :)

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Being a self-identified lesbian is a very difficult road to travel. I am 45 and have had so many life experiences- good and bad. And one thing that I have found is that people make it very difficult for lesbians. Quite a few lesbians opt to disassociate w/ people in general because they just won't "back-off." I had so many people telling me what was best for me; straight guys who wanted to convert me (when I was in my 20's); straight girls who wanted to "experiment" w/ me or have 3-ways w/ their boyfriends (not the girls idea- usually). People (John Q Public) tend to make it very hard on women and girls- because of boundary issues and a lack of respect. If you "blend-in" and "play nice" you will have a 'relatively' comfortable existence- but if you ever put your foot down and demand respect, as an out lesbian, you will have a tough time. Follow your heart, but don't lose your head. Good luck to you young lady.

im 13 and i really dont know how to come out to my parents. Because ever since i was little my parents have been homophobes and said that if i ever turned out lesbian they wouldn't class me as their daughter anymore. But when i think about boys i dont get that feeling, on the other hand with girls i do . what do i do tell them and be disowned or be a closeted person forever? :(

im 13 and i really dont know how to come out to my parents. Because ever since i was little my parents have been homophobes and said that if i ever turned out lesbian they wouldn't class me as their daughter anymore. But when i think about boys i dont get that feeling, on the other hand with girls i do . what do i do tell them and be disowned or be a closeted person forever? :(

im 13 and i really dont know how to come out to my parents. Because ever since i was little my parents have been homophobes and said that if i ever turned out lesbian they wouldn't class me as their daughter anymore. But when i think about boys i dont get that feeling, on the other hand with girls i do . what do i do tell them and be disowned or be a closeted person forever? :(

And the worst part is after living a "2 level" life, we get numb....We get used to having these 2 lives. Though as humans we naturally fight off so many other apprehensions, complications and insecurities. We are accepted of rejected for various reasons by various groups of people. But to feel rejected most of all my our own selves is the hardest thing to get over.<br />
After having lived 32 years in this dual life, I realize there is no point and no purpose to this. We are as insignificant and the other person. No one has the right to place anyone higher or lower than that. It is one life.....Accept it...Cherish it....Live it.....I say if the world doesn't accept it....then let it be.

Thank you for sharing. You cannot know this now, but, the higher truth behond all of the rationalzations and wild imaginings is that your parents Do have a daughter that is a lesbian, like it or not. You will find as you come down through the years, that your sexuality is a sacred part of your humanity, it is isn't some rebellious choice, it isn't something to keep hidden or to shout from the roof tops, it is merely a beautiful fact of your life. You are their child, if they are loving parents, they can and will accept your life circumstances. They might wish things were simpler for you, (and for them, at first) because, there are special challenges with any life that isn't "typical" but being authentic is paramount to living a fulfilled and meaningful life. You are a precious human being and you deserve the respect of those that love you, you cannot give them the oportunity to respect you, if you aren't being honest with them. When you are confident and strong, others will sit up and take notice, parents, friends, and even strangers respect individuals that live without shame or fear. I hope you aren't selling your parents and others short, you are basically saying that they are wonderful, but, have small narrow minds, is that fair? Strength and wisdom will come with time, please know that parents cannot ever stop loving a child ba<x>sed on their confessions around their sexual preferences. That really isn't sensible, is it, what do they have to do with your adult choices anyway, you are your own woman, aren't you? They are stronger than you think, I promise. You describe a wonderful mother, give her a chance to support and encourage you, to reassure you of her unconditional devotion, please don't sell her short. She wil accept your life, maybe not at first, but, she will.

Im a femme/girly girl so I would like to find a femme/girly girl who likes me exactly for who I am. I look forward to hearing from you! <br />
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I just came onto this site, and this is the first story I read. I'm glad I got a chance to read it because not only do I share this same story in my life as you and others that have commented, but I also have a dog for a brother. Every time I try to feel out if my one group of friends would be accepting of me as a lesbian I chicken out. I hope one day I'll just find the courage to be myself too! So , best of luck to you. I wish I had some uplifting advice but I'm just in the same boat.

Love your story, so well written, absolutely brilliant!<br />
Everything is so familiar! I totally understand everything you are saying.

dear katie,i might not have commented on your story except for one line,"i am such a loser."true, i don`t know you and if we lived(or live-who knows?) in the same town we would walk by each other and never know it.what your story does speak of is an intelligent sensitive person trying to negotiate their way through a bewildering mindfield of "right and wrong";possible and impossible choices.the fact that you care so much about being true to yourself while not hurting the people you love speaks volumes about your character-if only more people cared so much about the consequences of their actions! if i could offer one insight it would be this:sometimes it is better to put off any irreversible decisions till you can address them on your terms. right now,you are caught between your parents and the very insular environs of a dorm.i have a few years on you and i know the process of defining yourself is traumatic-you feel you are carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders.Sometimes a one day at a time approach is wiser and better. believe in yourself and your capability to choose the right time to address these issues. all the luck in the world,katie.

I guess I'm in a similar position, but I'm still in high school. Every time I even begin to think that I would be okay to just do the whole out and proud thing, one of my closest friends says something so homophobic that I don't even consider it for ages. Occasionally it even comes from my parents... <br />
The general consensus of everyone I know is that it's okay to be gay... As long as they don't have to deal with it.<br />
My mom is fairly religious, and she believes that gay people go to hell. <br />
The thing is, I couldn't live without these people. They are truly good people at heart, just products of how they were raised. <br />
My mom has done everything for me. My entire life, she has sacrificed what she wanted in favor of what was going to make me happy. She had me at 18, and she was told I was going to be born with Down Syndrome. Everyone repeatedly told her to get an abortion, but she dropped out of college to raise me. When it turned out that I was perfectly healthy, she endured living with both sets of my grandparents, who were awful to her. Then my dad left us, and she worked three jobs and sacrificed meals to make sure I had enough to eat... She's practically sacrificed her entire life for me, and I can't bring myself to break her heart.<br />
My dad... Well, I'm slowly rebuilding my relationship with my dad. He wasn't around for years after he left, and when he came back, I resented him so much for leaving that I wouldn't speak to him. But now, we're making progress, and it would really suck to lose that.<br />
And my friends... I love them, and I really couldn't get through living in this small town/Bible Belt community without them. They've been through every round of bully the nerd, every 'oh, you aren't from here?' and every single freak out I've experienced since I moved here when I was ten. However, most of them have been raised in the Bible Belt, and while they aren't as conservative as most people here, they still would be less than accepting if I were out.<br />
So while I would prefer being open, it really isn't possible for me, and I don't know when it will be. I just couldn't make it without

hi. I have been to that situation before. I had the same fears. That my parents wouldn't accept me, that my friends would leave me. It took a while before I came out of my closet. Just like you, I'm the type who keeps my feminine side. I love girly stuff. I love sporty stuff. So I'm like in between. I was also totally confused at one point in my life. Then after accepting that I am really gay, everything came to its right place. I came out to my friends, then my family. It was a struggle at first. But I am glad I am now out of the closet. The feeling is liberating. I started to love myself more. You don't have to please everyone. You don't have to stress yourself out because of the criticisms people throw on you. Acceptance of your uniqueness is the key here. So what if you look straight but gay inside? Accept who you are. Love your uniqueness. And I assure you everything will fall into the right place.

look. im leasbion i tryed very hard my senior year to make my friends and family happy by talking to guys and it was NOT me. i have long blond hair, i always wear make up, i dress girly and idc. i love girls im engaged to a "stud" right now that i love. I lost friends when I came out but they were not the real ones. My mom still loves me but atleast she knows the truth about me. you dont know me and i dont know you but trust me it will be a great burden off of your back when you tell her. screw your room mate ok maybe you will be the one to get her over her hear of leasbions. not all gay people are the same. you got to follow your heart tho. dont try to be something your not because its goingto eat you up inside like it did me.

hi forget the word "LESBIAN" concentrate on "you",,,I am a heterosexual ,,crossdressing desperate to be a woman man,,,not much more complicated than that i dont know,,,,I am very big built i cannot carry the look well dressed up ,,so i am a closet woman,,not just crossdresser to my mind,,,inside i am and always have been female,,, i got married ,had two kids,, then when my dad died i quit,,, quit the pretense told my family tho my wife knew ages b4,,,what i "AM" the next months were horrid <br />
my wife filed the pain was terrible ,,, and then i was alone,,,, but then i found i could start things again properly,,,the coward ,,,,the mouse,,,, he,,,she came to life ,,,,ep has been good recently i have met like minded freinds,,,,,I CAME OUT ,,first to myself,,,then to the rest,, its their job to handle <br />
that for themselves,,,,they have to open their minds,,,like i have ,,,,then u start to live ,,,,then u start to live,,,xxxx

Im sorry i cant really say much because I am in the same situation as you are. I just know it is hard. I knew it even before I told myself that I am going to try my lesbian self that it is hard because until now, I am still like a Mask, hiding the real me inside. I just wish we get our happiness at the end of the day.

i v got the same story with much more adjectives. Because in my case i can never come out of the closet in my country. most of the people don't even have no idea who gay people are and as for my parents i don't think they will understand the logic even if i say i am a lesbian they will probably think that i have gone mad or something. from the appearance i am total butch and that is no excuse for me to be gay or others here to accept me. as far as i know no one is aware that i am into girls because i am sure if they knew there wont be so much of people around me. so as for now i have two options either leave the country or leave myself.

Love ur story! I know d feeling of just wanting to be noticed by other lesbians.... Im not all doing the makeup and the nails.... im just plain!... Its cool that u hav a group at least you hav something... Around me its all straight even going out to night clubs and stuff...

I am a straight guy..so what, it's my choice...you should go with your heart, follow what you want to be, and do what you want..it is a short life, time goes quickly, and we cannot undo what we should have done, but didn't..for any reason...if you want to be lesbian, be lesbian, above all be a happy lesbian, ..don't accept the labelling or insults or approbations of others...that is their problem, not yours...if they can't accept it , again that is their problem...you are what you want to be, not what others think you should be..your mother loves you, and she could surprise you. I said to my father, i love you very much but i don't like you because you have a horrible attitude, but i still love you !! and we agreed that we had totaly different attitude. IT IS YOUR LIFE -INHABITED BY YOUR MIND AND BODY-NOT ANYONE ELSE! You only live ONCE -then that is it.no more..so BE WHAT YOU WANT TO BE !<br />
Take care, live-love-learn-laugh, from MISTYGREEN

It takes a lot of courage to write how you feel and whats really going on in your mind. I am with a woman who is exactly like you. She is 24 and hasnt told a soul that on the inside she really likes women. Ive met her family and I can understand why, and from what you have said I can understand why as well. As for myself my entire family knows, sometimes my mother will bring home guys phone numbers because she thinks that I just havent met the "perfect" guy, but then after I explain myself shes back to being her again. When I am with my girlfriend she makes me feel like nothing else in the world matters, but if im around her family I have to pretend to just be her friend. Now you have insight, where the shoe is on the other foot. I hate having to just be her friend when I am in front of her family. I wish all of them would realize that being gay is a lifestyle just like being a Christian. My point is, being in the closet may cause issues for you when you do find the perfect woman to settle down with. It hurts for me.

i'm going thou this aswell. i love my mom and i'm scared to tell her.<br />
she constenly tells me " no don't buy that it makes you look DYKEY!" or" no don't shave/cut your haior you will look like a dykey!" <br />
she rased me to where alot of pink and have my hair be atleast past my chin. so i'm afaird to tell her!<br />
<br />
this is how i even got started telling people. <br />
a) i would hang with alot of gay girls! they all acted like they were with me when i was around because i ackted like i was with them<br />
then my girl Jes just came out and said Jill you are gay , right. and well it cought me off gard for a second but then i was like um yes, how did you know . ( and i don't look gay, really i wear lots of girly cloths and i have long brown hair down to my ***! my vary fine *** if i do say so my self!)<br />
she was like i just figered!<br />
<br />
b)i just talked streat out with other gays about it. <br />
<br />
c) then i got drunck off my *** with my older sister and little brother and told them! terned out my sis was already pretty sure i was. and my little bropther is gay to!<br />
<br />
d)i was alone with my dad talking toi a girl i liked on fb, and decided to tell him i was bi( he came back saying i'm only bicureas!) i think he was a bit shocked. but handled it pretty well.but i still wander if he told my mom or not! i'm to much of a ***** to ask seams it took everthing i had to tell him in the first place!( we are super close!)<br />
<br />
e) i want to shave most of my hair off but my girlfriend sara doesn't want me to. ( she likes to run her fingers throu it alot! its really thick!)<br />
so i told her i would wait a bit longer! so i decided to wait till after holloween, because i'm going as a sluty indian to the party and i want my hair! <br />
<br />
but i get the fam thing , i want them to be proud of me and all but 2 of my closest cuzins know 2 of my sibblings and well my dad has aleast some idea of whats up. <br />
<br />
as for friends! i only have a few i don't want to lose the reast of them i can live with out if they don't like it . but one of them has been with girls befor so... what can she really say?<br />
the other hasn't dated anyone befor so.. not sure how that would so.<br />
then grace is super churchy so it would be really bad! <br />
<br />
i'm close to all 3 of my friends parents so thats another scare.<br />
<br />
but my best advive! get a girl friend that you do like but that also fits in your fam!<br />
then talk about it with people you eather really trust will love you no matter what or that you won't be bothered to much by loseing them.<br />
then just work up to where you want to be( like i don't want my grand mother to know no matter what, its just a line i will not cross!) but most of my fam and friends i think should know!<br />
<br />
hope that help a little bit! good luck baby!

I'm also a closet lesbian. Only in my case, it is even worse, as I am trapped in a man's body. Sigh . .