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I'm a Closeted Lesbian

I'm not sure how I got to this point. It's like I have two different lives--two sets of friends, two sets of stories; everything split rather unequally to fit into 'gay' and 'normal'. Not straight. Normal.


My mother is my idol, and she's the hardest-working, most beautiful woman I know. She loves holidays. She worries about me, wherever I am. She calls the family dog my 'baby brother'. She's just a wonderful person, and I love her more than I love anyone else in the world. If I came out to her, she would accept me. But...I can't put her through it. She's done so much for me. I'll probably never get married. If I have kids, it'll be with another woman--knowing my tastes, probably not the kind of woman you bring home to your mom. More than anything I wish this choice could be standardized, rote, like my life now--get good grades, go to college, get a good job, buy a house--but there's no white-picket standard for the life of a lesbian. I want her to be able to have faith that I will end up happy and in love and supported, and she can't do that if I tell her truth. The civilized world disapproves of me but she's such a kind woman...she'd struggle with trying to approve of me anyway, and I just...I'm a coward. I'm a coward for both of us.


My father is a product of his family, just like I'm a product of mine. He's not perfect, but he is there. He answers my questions, jokes with me, encourages me, and flies into terrifying rages when he thinks I've made a mistake. I love the man, but he threatened to disinherit me when I went to the wrong college. What will he do when he thinks I picked the wrong life? I know he waits for the other shoe to drop all the time--he's always afraid I'm going to do something wrong and ruin my future, and he wants to protect me from that. He thinks he does it for the best, but in reality, it just means I hide things from him. I hide anything I think could upset him, anything that will distance us, because that road is already rocky. I love my dad, and I don't want to lose him.


Last week I was doing a few shots in my friend Katie's room down the hall from me. Ryan popped his head in for a nightcap even though he's not supposed to be on the girls' floor. It seems to be a less serious transgression because he's so flamingly gay. After he left Katie leans in and explains, "I love gay guys! They're just so fabulous! You know?" And I did. "But like, I can't handle lesbians. Like, I seriously just can't do lesbians, you know?" And again, I do. At least I think I do. Gay guys are less threatening because they're effeminate. But Katie 'can't do' lesbians, because they're not fabulous. For Katie, and for many other people, lesbians are serious, strong, righteous, and above all, hypersexualized--dykes always check out her a**. But I am completely atypical of what Katie doesn't like about lesbians. What most people don't like about lesbians. I'm a pushover. I'm comfortable and extroverted with anyone, with men, women, children, teachers and classmates, salespeople, coworkers, complete strangers. I've got no bone to pick with anyone. Que sera sera. Katie 'couldn't do' lesbians...but she could 'do' me.


But I feel like this awful stereotype is a popular one. I fear it is. I don't tell my friends I'm gay--I don't want them to be afraid of me. My roommate constantly offers to set me up with guys she knows; my friends think it's weird that I'm perpetually single. I'm pretty. Okay that's a lie. I'm a bombshell. Okay that's a lie too. But I could certainly get more action than I seem to get.
On the other hand, I get discriminated against for 'looking too straight' when I'm out with the Big Lesbians Club. I don't think this has so much to do with the fact that I'm closeted, it's just how I am; I like my hair long and blonde, I like Victoria's Secret, I like painting my nails and overreacting about bugs. But it kinda sucks, you know? I never even blip on people's gaydar (more than once people have assumed I'm someone's straight-friend-tagalong at gay bars). I have to be frank with women I'm interested in, which also sucks, because I'm not frank. I remember clearly sitting outside a Starbucks downtown and staring helplessly at this truly fine sister leaving the store with her coffee. She saw me looking. She said something to the effect of 'Is there something I can do for you?' Now I'm too much of a pu**y to shoot off a 'You look nice. You work out?' but I'm just enough of a smarta** to say 'You.' She didn't know I was gay, though. She got stared at every single day. Her hair was buzzed, she was...well, let's say well-built...and she was wearing guys' cargos that fit her in a way that should be illegal. People probably stared at her everywhere she went, and I can't imagine everyone's faces were as appreciative as mine.


Thankfully for me my friend came out with her coffee just a moment after that (and my friend has brass balls) and she diffused the situation with a truly awful come-on about a laser. But that whole situation I brought upon myself. I'm not 'dykey', but that doesn't prevent me from being an out lesbian. I can wear tacky rainbow jewelry. I can put gay pride pins on my purses. I can discuss my lesbianism and compliment other lesbians without feeling like I got my hand caught in the cookie jar. I'm not exactly inexperienced here--I'm just a coward. I'm afraid of what people will think of me and say to me. I hate that I'm such a loser, but I don't know a way to make this part of myself fit without compromising everything else. If this weren't an issue, I doubt I'd place so much emphasis on my sexuality. Self-expression is tantamount to burgeoning teenage sexuality, but I've never wanted to bring my girlfriends home or decorate my room with pictures of lesbian singers, or flirt with every dyke that catches my eye. But I'm a lesbian. And I feel like I should be doing things like that to proclaim my gayness, and because I'm not, I'm a bad lesbian.
Like I said, I'm not sure how I got to this point. And I'm really not sure what I do now that I'm here.

*Thank you to everyone who's commented. I know a lot of comments advocate just coming out to everyone and letting the chips fall where they may, and believe me, I've thought about it. I've heard it before. A lot of girls from the BLC tell me if my friends and family really care about me, they'll get over it and accept me for who I am. I just can't shake the cynicism that this isn't a movie or a sitcom on the Disney Channel...my mother, my father, my roommates...they're the most important people in my life, but they're still just people. And people make mistakes, all the time. Fathers are not infallible. Mothers are not all-knowing. Friends like you for you, for how you seem, for what you are, not who you are underneath. I can't knowingly throw myself to the wind, I can't let go of one vine before I have another in hand. I need a place to live, I need somewhere to go for the holidays, I need people to hug, I need roots. I need these people. A clean break is not an option here. I guess I have to figure out how to muddle through, despite how unglamorous and unheroic it may seem. And I guess, underneath, that's the problem here. Thank you again, everyone

~

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Harpertrap Harpertrap 18-21, F 167 Responses Dec 28, 2007

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lostandconfused16sej,
That is Dangerous Ground on which you wish to tread!! If you attempt to pursue your Best Friend then you not only risk losing your Best Friend, and they are Difficult to come by, but also you cannot go after your Friend. There is a term for that. It is called a "Home-wrecker!!" It would appear that the two of them are very Happy together, and deep down, ask yourself How you would feel if you infringed upon that Happiness?? I think you know that is not right. You are just desperate for Love, and you already have established a close relationship with your Friend so, you Trust Her and Love Her, foundations for a relationship. But, She is UNAVAILABLE!! Not to mention the possibility of you having to face Her Girlfriend's wrath, if your Friend went along with the whole idea. No. Don't pursue this. It spells Disaster!! I'm sure that you are a Lovely Person, and, there are alot of other Lovely Women out there. Your Lesbianism you need to Embrace. However, these other feelings you have Must remain Closeted!! You are latching on to your Friend because She is close and Familiar and again, Trust is there!! Deny this and keep a good Friend. And, be patient, Love will find You, when You are not even Looking for it. And, with any Luck, it will be someone who will make your dreams come true!! You'll find someone. We are "Good and Plenty!!" By the way, I am an older Lesbian so, the advice I've given you is based on personal experience!! I have made alot of mistakes, along the way that Have Blown up in My Face!! Good Luck to You. "Good things come to those who wait." Keep your chin up!! Take Care.

Your story breaks my heart. Your life was mine for a long time. But it will be okay. It's always ok in the end.
You are probably on the other side of the world but if you ever need someone to chat to, I've been there.

It was nice to read "I like my hair long and blonde, I like Victoria's Secret, I like painting my nails and overreacting about bugs" because i was beginning to think i was weird. I'm 15 so still figuring out my feelings whether I'm Bisexual or Lesbian but reading things like this makes me seems less alone. I don't want to tell anyone yet, i need to figure it out but i now know it's not just me who isn't the stereotype of a lesbian!

I think I understand, there are all these people saying that if your family and friends care, they'll accept you, but you doubt that life is that easy, right? Something like that..

Anyways, I'm in a similar predicament and I wish you the best :) I hope you'll find what you're looking for

I'm 21 and in the same trap, except in Ireland. Smaller place, and smaller mindset perhaps. Thank you for this!

I'm 19, lesbian, hubby has no clue that mommy seduced me. Liked it became lez, love "closet", dark, secret and very forbidden!! That's how I like it!"

Sorry I got bored half way, hoping for sum horny stuff, b cuz i'm a lesbian that wants to stay wet 24/7!! Sorry

I am a 19 yr old girl. I live with my girl friend and own a lot of sex toys, you should get at least one to

this is so nice. So like my story. Im still not out. 19 and Ive only told a couple of my friends.

I know that you love your family and it's wonderful how much you care for them. But, life is so short. I wish you the best on your journey. Nobody can tell you what to do but you really need to make yourself happy!

it looks complicated. i dream to have a relationship with a girl. not only in the sexual way i will like to share the feeling with someone special. i had try to find a man who make me feel this way but i cannot get anywhere. i cannot admit or maybe i refuse to belive that i like women more that men.
you are so brave to admit who you are.

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Work up the Courage to Come out of the closet. You will feel much better, believe me, when you are Honest with who you are. And, then you can just be who you are--FREELY!!! I came out when I was 15. I had a Big-time Dysfunctional Family. So, it was like, a big **** You to them all. Do it, trust me.

You are not alone. Many people in the LGBT community are in the closet about their situations. I am an exploring T in that eqaution, and it isn't easy either to step and and be confident. At least you have family that you talk to, even if less supportive, which I have the same situation, if not worse, with a sibling's son question his gender, of which I get the blame. <br />
<br />
If I had to leave you with some sage advice. Be true to yourself, and think of yourself. If it makes you happy, then be confident, and be free. Those who discriminate you are those who didn't value you as a friend in the first place.

I friend just need your five minutes, I am in a strange situation and looking for someone.<br />
<br />
I am looking for a lesbian girl as a life partner as I am also gay, so that we both can help each other to live a better life ,in this way we can also keep our patents happy and can live in the society as normal person, in front of the world we will be couple and behind will be very good friends ,who understand and take care of each other in every situation, but for that we need to be friends first.<br />
<br />
i am from living in Delhi(basically from Rajasthan).I did my schooling from KV and then grad and pg , now i am working with a top IT company at good position .I am from a very simple middle class family, my both parents are in service sector.<br />
As i grown up i realize that i don't feel attraction toward girls but sometimes toward boys, Although i never been in physical relationship with any boy or girl .<br />
<br />
My parents are pressurizing me to get married as i am settled now, but i don't want to spoil any girl's life as i know i will never be happy to have physical relationship with a girl for whole life...so i decide to look for someone who is in same situation as of mine on Facebook and i am still searching.<br />
<br />
abt me I am a very simple person,jat by cast (i don't believe in it but my parents do) ,in free time i play,watch movies and like to spend time with friends ...... i am 5'11, weight 75, dikne me tekh takh hi hu .I look absolutely normal person.<br />
<br />
I am sending this request to everyone ,plz disregard this if it concerns you anyhow. Pls help me if your can, i will be highly grateful to you

Wow, I know how you feel. I've always thought of me being weird for thinking some women were attractive. This has been going on for years. I'm 24 and I have a boyfriend of 5 years. We live together and we have 2 beautiful boys, but lately the feelings of being with a girl have been very strong. I'll see a girl that attracts me and all i can do is stare like a dumbass. I'm in a very tough situation! I love my boyfriend and the father of my kids and he loves me very much. I couldn't imagine doing anything to him like leaving him, especially when he has done nothing wrong. Our intimate relations have become a little struggle but reguardless he still loves me. Then you have my kids... I could never split up with their father because of me being selfish.. But the feelings that I have of being with a woman and actually having a relationship with her are strong! I don't even know where to start.. I don't know how to meet any lesbians and I deff. wouldn't go into a lesbian club by myself and look stupid. If i even have one where I live. Nobody knows this but me and i'm so confused! If anybody has advice I would love to hear it.

I am in the same boat. Fiance, 2 kids and a struggle in the area of intimacy. I feel just as guilty as you. I turn 31 tomorrow. How can it be that I have gotten this far and yet, haven't actually fallen in love? :( booooo

Gosh! I you are a beautiful strong person inside and out. I wish you the best, with your life family, and etc. Reading this made me realize how tough it is for lesbians to be respected in societal life. I myself am in a bit of a gray area, but I dont have to deal with nearly the issues you face day to day. Women like you make me proud to say i 'like' other women. If only the world would see how sexuality should not be judged upon a person, but judged ba<x>sed on soul goodness.

Try and breach the subject with your friends and family and see how they feel. Like mention the Cali/Arizona storyline in Grey's Anatomy to your friend. See how she receives this it could open up the conversation about how lesbians come in all shapes and sizes and are as varied as heterosexual and bisexual women.<br />
<br />
Similarly maybe just pop it into conversation the next time you speak to your Mom that <br />
you were with friend X "and his boyfriend". This way you and they can all be prepared for an eventual discussion without having to take the leap of faith immediately.

Same here we should talk sometime inbox me;)

I'm<br />
In the same<br />
Situation. Even worse, I'm very scare! I hate myself for everything I do! I cried every nights, I suffering insomnia as well. In my mums mind I have alway been the little girl who is just so close to perfect. I don't know how Long I can handle this. I hate lying, I'm not livin my true self. I love my mum so much that I'm<br />
Not dare to do anything to upset her. She had been through so much and sacrifice her whole life for me. I don't know what I can do to make smile and live happily until the last day on earth. Becoz of her, I would rather marry a man, have kids, just like the other people. And ignore my feelings. This is my first year in uni, the feeling of hiding so much secrets from people is killing me each day. I thought of killing myself but, my mum will be the one suffering. I'm Soo tired!

I'd Actually destroy a pizza right now I'm starviiiiin, just thought I'd let you know.

I don't know if you are still watching this story after four years but I am replying because your father sounds so much like my mother who dominated, manipulated and tried to control as much of my life as she possibly could until she died in a nursing home in her 80's with dementia. I read your story very carefully and it gives the impression that you accept being a lesbian but your father does not, and you are understandably terrified of his rages and don't want to lose him so you hide the details of your personal life from him out of fear of rejection. Your secret may not be as well hidden as you think it is. Plenty of people my age have gay or lesbian children and whether or not they are on good terms with them, they KNOW. Even if he never admits this, or never finds out, his 'rage' will be painful to you and you will struggle to come to terms with it as I did. I may be wrong Harpertrap but my guess is that there is a good chance he already knows and his 'rage' is a form of blackmail to keep you on a short leash and under his control. If this is the case your being lesbian is irrelevant. All he wants is control, and fear and guilt are his tactical weapons. I may be taking liberties but he does not sound like a very loving father to me. I am a product of the same generation as your father and a pretty 'uptight' family. I would never blackmail my children with rage the way he has done to you or my mother did to me. There is no reasonable or fair excuse for it. That is domination not love.

First of all, you sound similar to myself. I put myself it the same type of situations with my straight friends. Also, sometimes a friend or family member will say something negative about a lesbian and I just have to nod or walk away from the topic. That stereotyping ****** me off. I have so many friends and such a big family I wonder everyday if it would change if I started living my life how i wanted to live it. Secondly, I wonder if I will ever really have the courage to tell my parents, i want to but not sure about it. I would just rather tell them when I am moving out, like btw, im gay!

First of all, you sound similar to myself. I put myself it the same type of situations with my straight friends. Also, sometimes a friend or family member will say something negative about a lesbian and I just have to nod or walk away from the topic. That stereotyping ****** me off. I have so many friends and such a big family I wonder everyday if it would change if I started living my life how i wanted to live it. Secondly, I wonder if I will ever really have the courage to tell my parents, i want to but not sure about it. I would just rather tell them when I am moving out, like btw, im gay!

stand up and be counted. It's often our own fears that get in our way! You, if this is who you are should not be ashamed, inhibited, or put down because of this. If you can't be you, you are the only person stopping you. I understand what it means to care about what others think. But, it's more then then, it's about what others we protect from something we justifiably want them to not have to worry about. But life isn't about denying your self, it's about living who you are. If there is nothing else I have learned in life. our loved ones will love us, if they truly do love us, if they do not, then why should we be more worried about them then we are ourselves.

I'm bi, only out to my parents ( I have awesome parents, but the rest of my family would fall over)... I haven't had a girl friend in years. I should note here that I am married. But I still get what you are saying. I live two lives too... not because of being bi - but because of our alternative lifestyle. We have our kink/poly friends and then our "vanilla" friends. I love both sets, but I have to keep them separate, I can't share kink/poly related ups and downs with my vanilla friends or my family, and it makes things difficult at times. But I know that just throwing open the doors and windows and sharing everything with everyone, wouldn't work for me. I have friends it works fine for, but we each have our own situations and I'm thankful that my out friends don't harass me about staying closeted. You do what you need to do in order to be comfortable... and tell those "friends" who put you down for not being out and tell you that if the other people in your life truly cared it wouldn't matter that if THEY truly care, it wouldn't matter to them if you stay closeted. *hugs*

I was raised without knowing about or thinking about relationships between two girls. Now Im pretty sure I love my best friend, who is a lesbian girl that already has a serious girlfriend. I don't know how or whether or not I should tell her. And possibly even if I did know, I don't think I could get my self to tell her. No one even knows I'm thinking about it. I'm kinda a pushover too, I do too much to fit in even tho I don't end up being me in the end. So this will probably be one of those things I never tell anybody, so I can still fit in and keep our friend ship

Incredibly written... WOW. Many have commented here. One thing I'll say (and it may already have been said, I didn't read through all the comments) is I eventually got to a point where my sexuality doesn't define me, it's just a part of me. I went through a lot with my family when I came out 16 years ago, but now it's not an issue. They've 'let it be.' I'm extremely close to my Mom - closer than ever before. Unfortunately it took my Dad passing away for that to happen. But sometimes it takes tragedy for people to just let things go and love...<br />
<br />
Anyways, you'll find your way... I wish you the best. :)

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Being a self-identified lesbian is a very difficult road to travel. I am 45 and have had so many life experiences- good and bad. And one thing that I have found is that people make it very difficult for lesbians. Quite a few lesbians opt to disassociate w/ people in general because they just won't "back-off." I had so many people telling me what was best for me; straight guys who wanted to convert me (when I was in my 20's); straight girls who wanted to "experiment" w/ me or have 3-ways w/ their boyfriends (not the girls idea- usually). People (John Q Public) tend to make it very hard on women and girls- because of boundary issues and a lack of respect. If you "blend-in" and "play nice" you will have a 'relatively' comfortable existence- but if you ever put your foot down and demand respect, as an out lesbian, you will have a tough time. Follow your heart, but don't lose your head. Good luck to you young lady.