Just Can't Tell


I knew I liked females and males ever since I was 12, but I didn't officially become totally a lesbian until I was 28. Weird, huh? Anyway, I have only told a few people in my entire life, and none of those people know my family at all.  I can never publicly come out because my family members are very conservative christians and I don't want to hurt them.  A lot of people told me that I will never be fully happy unless I come out, but they don't know what I am going through.  I am very tight with my family, and would like to keep it that way.  It is very hard for me to be with another female, because all the females I have met are very open, and they want to be with someone who is the same.  I just started going to a church that is for gays, lesbians, trans, and bi's.  I have met some really nice people there, but none who would like to be with a closeted lesbian.  I feel that I deserve to be happy too, and my sexuality should not be the reason why I shouldn't. I feel that my love life is my business and not something I need to share with the world.  I just wish that being in the closet has kept me from being happy with another lesbian. Why can't I just be with someone who respects my wishes? Why must I be ridiculed because I choose not to come out completely?  Maybe if I came from a bad family, or my family weren't so anti-homosexual I would not be closeted. I just want to experience true love with someone who is similar to me or at least respects my wishes on being so private.

veryshy76 veryshy76
31-35, F
19 Responses Jan 9, 2008

Yes, I am sure there are many lesbians who would respect your wish not to be out, and I am sure you will find one. However, you don't seem to take into account that 'time' is a problem with your family. How can you convince them that you wish to remain "single." They will respond that a 'normal' woman wants to have a husband and children. A second thought would be that if you meet and become a couple with a lesbian, she is your family. This is what happens to straights. You seem to want to have your feet in both camps! You don't want to 'hurt' your family and yet they will 'hurt' you if they cannot come to terms with who you are. I would say that your family will accept you. Meanwhile, come and visit my site stories4hotbloodedlesbians.com. Good luck!

Hello veryshy76,I was 29 when I met my first adult relationship.I've liked "girls" since the first grade.Married twice had a son and it never left me.I left my second abusive husband in Texas and moved to Jacksonville Florida.There I met a 21 year old woman and she and I raised my son together.I am now 61.Though we did keep our life private "I'm Sure" it was very apparent that we were a couple,but in the '80s some things you just did not share and that was one of them.Now things are some what offensive when it comes to sexual identity.What I want to say is there is nothing wrong with "just 'being' you".I think if some one loves you they should honor you if you do not wish to disclose to family or friends that you're a couple.It's one thing for family or friends to suspect that you may be gay "totally another" for them to her the words,"I am a lesbian" or this is a "woman I'm in love with".I'm not saying hide your companion from your family or friends,but never feel guilty that you want to remain as you are.XO

i no how u feel,i was with a girl fr 5yrs the time we wer together she wanted us to tell our family ,but i couldnt and i still cant it is an awful secret to have to carry round and hide all the time my family still dont no an am not sure they ever will.

I completely understand.....wish I knew the answers.

i think i may bebi or a lesbian. its all i have ever wanted was to try being with a woman. I only had 1 chance and I blew it. We started kissing and were naked. she was on top of me and fingering me. I was in so much shock that I just layed there. I didn't do a thing but kiss her. It was the most amazing kiss I ever had in my life to this day. She was my first true ****** and I just laid there!!! I was so freaked out that it was happening, in the living room at a party. Everyone was crashed out sleeping and all I could think is what if someone caught us. Oh how I wish I could relive that night and see if I liked it. If I wanted it. Experimented. I did nothing! I have never had a chance again. I loved that moment though. The next day I was very freaked out because I liked it so much and I knew it was morally wrong. At least I thought so because of my strict midwest upbringing. Now I am married i will ever know. I will say if my husband was to ever divorce me- it would be the first experience I tried. <br />
So sorry you are going through this. i wish there was an easy answer. I hope you find someone who loves you enough to wait with you- and tell your parents in your time.

I knew by the time I was a young adult I loved women. However, I still followed tradition and married a man, had children and finally found the woman of my dreams many years later. I don't regret the years I spent away from true love. I think it makes me love better. I know that I have never loved anyone like I love her-- not anyone-- ever. And I wouldn't trade her for the world.

Hello from Spain!<br />
I'm on the opposite: I've recently left someone who was really closeted and being with her really hurt me. You said you want to be with someone who understands you, and of course she can, but can you understand her? It is hard to be hid by your partner, not introduced to her family even as a friend, it is hard when she doesn't phone you because her family is around. it's very hard to be two weeks away and not having her waiting for you at the airport because she doesn't want to tell her family. It is so hard that I left her, even when she was a really nice girl otherwise. But not very brave, because you need to be bolder when you are different. Good luck. E.

I know how you feel. I live in the "Bible Belt" and my family and some of my friends are very conservative christians. Even the town I live in is very conservative. Most people at my place of work are conservative christians. We pray before every meeting at work. No one suspects that I am a lesbian because I have not told anyone yet. My plan is to tell one of my friends first that will except me for who I am and already may suspect that I am a lesbian. I am afraid to be completely out. Afraid I will lose my job and my family. Sometimes it is best to stay in the closet in some instances. You will find someone that makes you happy. Hope I will too.

finally i don't feel I am alone!

I wish I had more to say to you, but everyone who commented has summed up what I wanted to say. I wish you the best.

You will find somebody that loves you the way you are. Do not stress and do not feel like that....I know it is hard to come out of the closet when the family does not agree about the "gay " concept....<br />
<br />
But......Love will be knocking on your door soon....!!!! :)

Add me as a friend and We can share Im the same way you are but Im married got two kids and no one would ever believe I like women

I am facing the same problem and I don't know what to do.

Hi I think I know what you are going through I also feel like I could never tell anyone in my family and I feel like I will never meet anyone cause most lesbians want to be with someone they can be open with. I am married with two kids who are 16 and 20 they look up to me like someone who is very conservative and would never in a million years believe i'm gay. I would love to talk and share sometime......

Hi there, I just saw a comment you had made on one of the posting on the in the closet site, and i have alot of the same issues as you. I think i am a lesbian, but i am married with 3 kids but i have never truely been happy..... just thought i would try to add you, but it wouldnt let me... so here i thought if i messaged you, the option would be urs to add me :)

I totally understand because I am in the same situation. my first experience was at 20 but after several hidden years its always been that i loved someone who is staight because i can't come out. if you need to talk i'm here. unfortunately i usually only find time to email about once a week unless i'm not working.

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Best of luck to you. Try being 40 and married. You are young and if you have the support of your family you will be great. Take Care<br />
<br />

I am almost 40 and married w/kids and I want to be with a woman. I know I am getting a late start and you are right she is young. Hopefully her family will support her choice.

Do any of you think it could be turning 40 makes you realise you dont want to miss out on what we believe can truly make us happy ..... ???

That must be hard.

Someone will love you for who you are. Give it time. <br />
If however your family are true Christians then they will forgive you and continue to love you. I know this.<br />
It may be hard for a while but isn't your happiness worth it?<br />
Usually if a homosexual is close to there family, the family already knows or at least suspects that you are.<br />
<br />
Good luck with your future