My Life Is About To Fall Apart

I've never actually taken account of the number of ways my life has spiralled out of control so here goes.

I've just turned 35 and still in the closet with friends and family. I live miles away from them and I truly do have separate lives.It might not be so bad if either side knew the real me but nobody does. I have lived with my girlfriend for 5 years. I am out at work and where I live. Very out. At home, they don't know anything about her or about my life here. I feel I have to tell lie after lie to cover up this life I have for what is actually a very nice life. I have a partner who loves me, a home together and a life. When I go home about 4 times a year I tell them very little. By "them" I mean my mother, sisters, brother and friends. The main reason I'm not out is my mother. I do love her. She drives me nuts sometimes but she raised us almost on her own after my dad died when we were quite young. I know (I KNOW!) when i tell her Im gay I will not speak to her or see her again. It's not an assumption. She has actually said that she could not have a "queer" child in her life. We were talking at the time about a friend of hers whose son had told his mother he was gay. His mother (my mothers friend) was eventually ok with it but my mother no longer speaks to her friends son because he's "queer".

My girlfriend knows I'm not out at home but this did not stop her from asking me to marry her. i said yes of course and then reality hit. I have to tell my family. She is ok with me taking as long as I need but I hate to think she might believe I'm ashamed of her. I'm far from it. In my life here (what I call my real life) we live like any other couple.

There are other issues. I have lied to both sides so much I don't see a way out. I have told my girlfriend lies about my life at home. Stupid lies. Things like my sister having a family when she doesn't. Thats probably the biggest one. It all happened because we met online and I was so unhappy with my life I thought nothing of telling this very lovely stranger things about a life I wish I had. The biggest one is about my sister having more kids than she does and living abroad. She also thinks my mother knows I live with her, but not as a girlfriend of course. My mother thinks I live with a friend from home.

I have told my family way more lies. They don't know I changed jobs several years ago.I don't know what the hell I was thinking. They think I live with a friend from home. and of course they don't know about my girlfriend.

Right now I'm so terrified i think the only way out is to walk away from my life here, my real life. But then what? A lifetime of loneliness and losing a woman I love more than life itself. I dont see a way out without losing at least one side. My girlfriend because of the lies or my family because of being gay AND the lies.
Bellucks Bellucks
3 Responses Mar 15, 2011

I am 25 years old and my girl friend well i think that is what she is is also in the closet. I can tell you that i love her with all my heart would give anything for her and she knows that, but her family does not know. I have been with her for over 2 years and i been out the closet since i was 20 i know what it is like to be in the closet its not all that great because your partner is the one that gets hurt even though they say they love you and give you time. They deep down fear that one day you will walk out of their life. love is great. great to hold your partner and actually feel great being with them and loving them. I know my partners family and they get alongw well with me but i am my partners roomate in their eyes. I took her in that way but wished as time went by that she came out for me for love. Not to long ago i told her sister about us and her sister was very accepting i felt a relief i felt very good, but we promised not to tell my partner she knows until one day she may tell. By the way things are looking i dont think that she will ever come out. I feel as if she is ashmed of me and maybe wants to be with a man. She always had trust issues with me yet i stood with her because she showed me she loved me in many other ways. Now i am broken not knowing when or it has already ended. My advise to you is to come out of the closet. I came out to my parents long ago and thats the best feeling ever when your family knows about you and especially who you are with. Not all people are the same but love is big-- if you are happy with her then dont let her go for fear of losing your family. If your family loves you they will not disown you they will get over it and accept you because no matter how your children turn out you must love them regardless. Best of luck and take care

I am a 35 year old gay man and hav done the same things that you have done and trust me i know its hard. i would love to offer advice but i am unfortunately in the same mess. What do we do? I have honestly thought of marrying a Lesbian for a while as sort of a contractual agreement and we can keep up the pretense for family sake and eventually divorce and say we are not interested in getting married again and leave it at that. All the while having our separate lives with our families being none the wiser.

I feel for you. You have a real life and it sounds like that is the one that is most important to you. It also sounds like your girlfriend really loves you, and maybe she can support you in being honest. with her xx