My Life Is About To Fall ApartI've never actually taken account of the number of ways my life has spiralled out of control so here goes.
I've just turned 35 and still in the closet with friends and family. I live miles away from them and I truly do have separate lives.It might not be so bad if either side knew the real me but nobody does. I have lived with my girlfriend for 5 years. I am out at work and where I live. Very out. At home, they don't know anything about her or about my life here. I feel I have to tell lie after lie to cover up this life I have for what is actually a very nice life. I have a partner who loves me, a home together and a life. When I go home about 4 times a year I tell them very little. By "them" I mean my mother, sisters, brother and friends. The main reason I'm not out is my mother. I do love her. She drives me nuts sometimes but she raised us almost on her own after my dad died when we were quite young. I know (I KNOW!) when i tell her Im gay I will not speak to her or see her again. It's not an assumption. She has actually said that she could not have a "queer" child in her life. We were talking at the time about a friend of hers whose son had told his mother he was gay. His mother (my mothers friend) was eventually ok with it but my mother no longer speaks to her friends son because he's "queer".
My girlfriend knows I'm not out at home but this did not stop her from asking me to marry her. i said yes of course and then reality hit. I have to tell my family. She is ok with me taking as long as I need but I hate to think she might believe I'm ashamed of her. I'm far from it. In my life here (what I call my real life) we live like any other couple.
There are other issues. I have lied to both sides so much I don't see a way out. I have told my girlfriend lies about my life at home. Stupid lies. Things like my sister having a family when she doesn't. Thats probably the biggest one. It all happened because we met online and I was so unhappy with my life I thought nothing of telling this very lovely stranger things about a life I wish I had. The biggest one is about my sister having more kids than she does and living abroad. She also thinks my mother knows I live with her, but not as a girlfriend of course. My mother thinks I live with a friend from home.
I have told my family way more lies. They don't know I changed jobs several years ago.I don't know what the hell I was thinking. They think I live with a friend from home. and of course they don't know about my girlfriend.
Right now I'm so terrified i think the only way out is to walk away from my life here, my real life. But then what? A lifetime of loneliness and losing a woman I love more than life itself. I dont see a way out without losing at least one side. My girlfriend because of the lies or my family because of being gay AND the lies.
Bellucks 31-35 3 Responses 1 Mar 15, 2011