Married With Children

I believe I realized I was gay in the 2nd grade. I had a crush on my teacher. At this age, I wasn't sure what was going on, but I knew their was something different about me and being raised Southern Baptist, I believed it was something wrong.
I watched out lesbians and gays being made fun of all through High School. This made me even more afraid of coming out and so I compensated by being very permiscuous with guys. I also began drinking and experimenting with drugs. I lost a few female friends because when I got wasted, I found myself coming on to them.
I eventually found myself pregnant, and it was at this point I told myself I could never come out. I had relationship after relationship with men and was never happy. Even though I was unhappy, I kept pushing myself.
Nine years ago I married my husband. We had twins together and he ha been a father to my two eldest twins as well.
I know it is more acepted in my community to be a lesbian now, but I fear hurting my children. I love my husband, but I can't feel for him the way a woman should about their husband. I've settled for a life of unhappiness.
I hope one day I can be brave enough to be me.
twinmom9906 twinmom9906
31-35, F
13 Responses Mar 27, 2011

Oh, sweetie, that sounds so hard. Best of luck to you on your journey. You are entitled to happiness.

I'm in a very similar boat. I pray for peace and clarity for us both.

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Isn't painful? It's horrible.

I knew I like women from early on (childhood), of course I didn't know how to put 1+1 together, I had no idea what was going on until I was much older. I denied, denied, denied. Felt awfully guilty for feeling that way. I got married to my best male friend (he knew about my feelings, that I liked women), and after 10 years of marriage we got divorced (we have 3 kids).
I am inside the closet, only my ex knows, and a friend. My parents suspect but has never been spoken out loud.
It's depressing, and extremely hard. I have this feelings that I can't air because I am scared about the repercussions (custody issues, etc). I put my kids first. My happiness pales in comparison. It doesn't make the situation any less *sucky*.

Well my story is a bit different. You see my husband has known since we started dating that I was a closeted lesbian. We've been together 10yrs married 7yrs and he knows that as much as I love him, he will never truly satisfy me. We never kiss, if and when we do anything, it's only for the need and not for the enjoyment. On my side anyhow. I know it may bother him at times, but we've always talked it out. My problem is, I'm not sure I can continue to live this way. I don't want to hurt him in any way. We have 2 little girls that are our world and it would break my heart to see them get hurt. My parents would never understand and neither would his. The last 5 years I have been so depressed and have disconnected myself completely from the world outside of my home.

Married with Children - I don't believe this website is about making people feel guilty, and radarfactor has every right to be upset about his situation but his story is about him, not you. I'm sorry for what he said to you, and I hope you understand he's taking his personal pain out on you. I'm in a lesbian relationship now, I was married and have two children. I did not set out to trick a man or hurt him, and I'm sure you didn't either. The life you are leading is not an easy one. Everybody deserves to be happy. I don't know how old you are; I'm probably older but I didn't think I could be a lesbian because the only lesbians I was aware of in high school were militant and scared me. But I never fit into straight life. I didn't "come out" until I was 41, which was 10 1/2 years ago. I didn't leave my husband for a woman either. There really are a lot of supportive people out there, and pride events can be a whole lot of fun. If you ever want to talk, feel free to message me.

Although you are living a dishonest life and feeling the way you do, you have also cheated your husband out of a life of being your true lover. I am married to a closet lesbian and I hate it. We have four children and 7 grandchildren. She confessed to me 10 years ago after 20 years of marriage. Do you know how it is to know I am unable to turn her on and have a "normal" sex life? I will not leave her because of our children and grandchildren, but I a mad as hell knowing what I will never have what means so much to me. We do not kiss because she can't stand to. We copulate, but only to satisfy a biological craving (no real intimacy). I am sorry for you, but more sorry for your husband.

@ilovethesea: that is exactly what i mean. you said it very well.

we have similar feelings about husband. i love my children and i love my husband but not as a 'couple love'...i love women more but i can't tell my family.

Well, (i have thought about this with my wife...) I guess what always strikes me in this, is that while you sort out your needs, you have totally trampled on the rights and needs of the poor guy you married. To think he threw his cards in with someone who does not love you, you have taken away his chance to actually find someone who truly does love him. And there is a difference. So you are unhappy, he is and will be. All this time you have been holding onto this secret for your safety and normalcy- I get it, but it strikes me how little the rights of a "male" , your guy, is considered. I would say, if you respect him, even if you don't love him, you discuss it and let him decide what he wants to do, there may still be time for him to find someone who loves him (maybe he's gay, who knows).

So many of us in this situation. It seems so unfair that it's so hard for us to come out as lesbians. It's just the way we feel, not dirty or smutty just a genuine love for other women.

Your last sentence echoes in my head because it is exactly the way I feel too. I too have settled. I can never really regret it because with my husband I have my beautiful little daughter whom I love with all my heart. But I suppose looking back I married him to try to be "normal" and straight. I have felt for many years that I was quite possibly gay. I now know I am, but it would destroy my marriage if I came out, even though we have a bad relationship anyways. But for the sake of my daughter, I want her to grow up with a normal family life. So I stay in this marriage and try to make it work, although I wish I could meet and love a woman.

I hope so too. Never say never. My youngest is 15 now, I have been on antidepressants for nearly 20 years, but have now decided that once my daughter is an adult I must start getting on with my life and I am starting to get my dreams back; that has allowed me to come off the antidepressants!<br />
I knew two lesbian couples with children when I lived in London, and yes, people made comments about that, but as far as I know no-one was nasty to them and plenty of people were very supportive, they had plenty of good friends.<br />
I wish you well x