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Fell For The Wrong Girl.

I have dated girls in the past but never really fell for any of them. I suppose i am bi sexual even though my motto is that i fall in love with the person not the gender. Anyhow i fell for the worst person i could. I met her years back when she was a friend of a guy i was dating. I knew all her stories and how she was a player and a bad person. I never really cared to know about her then. It had been years since i saw her when we met in a sociology class at the University. Once i realized it was her the stories of what i knew about her flooded my mind. I didnt feel at all attracted to her. In fact she was a lot more "butch" then what i would date. However, as time passed and we sat together in class i found that i liked her more and more. She still had the cocky attitude i knew she had but she also made me laugh and smile a lot. We shared jokes in class,out side of class and then we exchanged phone numbers. She had a girlfriend at the time but told me she didnt want to be with her. I never let on that i kinda liked her. One night she called me at 3 am asking if she can come by. She said she broke up with her girlfriend and wanted to talk to a friend. I let her in and immediately she kissed me. From there on it was no longer us being friends. It all happened really fast i guess but i knew what was going on and i let it. She kicked out her ex and i moved in within a week. I still kept my place but was at her apartment everyday and night. The sex was new and exciting and we had a lot of intimate time. In between that i saw glimpses of the person that was rude here and there. She drank way too much but since i was her girlfriend i was ok with it. I sat with her at bars while she got so drunk i had to help her out of the bar. She would become violent and verbally abusive when she was drunk. I had never fought with any of my ex girlfriends and i didnt want to fight this time either. When she would black out and explode at me i would just stand there and try to reason with her. It never really worked. A couple of times i would leave the apartment but she would follow saying how could i leave her?. It always made me feel guilty so i would stay. After she had her outbursts she would always cry in my arms and say how she was sorry and that she loved me. I knew deep down that wasnt love but i held on hoping she would change because i really loved her. I loved her even though she was messed up, violent, rude, and cold. I thought i could help her and with my love and patience she would see i love her and she would stop being that way. Ultimately it was a rollercoaster of emotions the whole time i was with her. She paraded me around her friends showing me off and telling everyone how beautiful i was and how she got a straight girl. I never liked it but never got upset and was happy she appreciated me and the way i looked. Despite the lows she still made me feel comfortable in a way i never felt when i was with a man. I guess i stayed because with her i felt okay. i felt it was okay to like girls and be out of the closet even though she wasnt good to me. We still laughed together, shared stories, talked about the future, politics, went dancing, took trips-everything that i envisioned a great relationship to be. She told me i was the one and i believed it. Ultimately our relationship didnt last long. Her bouts with anger showed more frequently. She was constantly jealous and suspious of men even though i never flirted or cheated with anyone. After a while it became hard to love her. I tried to go with the flow and be ok with her highs and lows but i couldnt. Finally i told her i loved her but i couldnt do it anymore. It was so emotionally tiring trying to love someone that liked destroying herself with alcohol and drugs. I told her i dont want to change her but she needs help and ill be here with her through it. She didnt see it that way and ultimately we ended. I tried to be friends with her because i miss the person that wasnt angry or drunk or high. She told me she hated me and never wanted me to talk to her again. She immediately got a new girlfriend and started bad mouthing me around campus. No matter what i said or texted she wouldnt talk to me. After a few months i gave up but deep down i feel i messed it up. I dont know if it was worth breaking up with her because as much as it was bad i still really miss her. I miss the little things and wish i didnt break up. I know it sounds like low self esteem but i cant stop missing her. I have tried moving on but nothing helps. I go out with other girls and guys but come home and miss her. I know one day i wont hurt but its hard to let go. Some days are good and i dont think of her but others are a rainy day. She was a girl that i should have never fell for and yet she was the only person i let my guard down with. When im dating someone new i try not to compare or think of her because i know she doesnt think of me. I have so many regrets with this relationship but yet i keep her memory alive and that kills me also. I know the only thing i can do now is to be honest with myself and be ok with being a lesbian and make an effort to let her go. I just wish i never fell for her.
ade1313 ade1313 26-30, F 1 Response Apr 6, 2011

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:( <br />
I can relate insanly with you.<br />
But like with me, I have no idea the right things to say.<br />
I hope that you can accept yourself, and accept your past to grow and to have faith in love again.