I'm Stuck In Closet-land..I'll start at the beginning..
I was a late bloomer in the love department. As a kid, I was always fine with just having fun whereas the other girls were more concerned with who liked who and which boys were the cutest. As much as I tried, I could not get into these conversations and eventually I realized I couldn't care less and gave up without even stopping to think of why I couldn't care. Until I met this one girl... She was a classic beauty (to my middle-schooler mind) and for some reason I wanted to be closer to her. Never in my life had I felt this way about another human being and it was awesome. We became fast friends and soon started to call each other twin because "we had so much in common". I was very clueless. It may have taken me years to realize my feelings if she hadn't started dating.
He was tall and handsome, older than her, of course, and a genuinely good guy but I hated his guts. No one, not even me at the time, knew why. But eventually, it took a toll on my relatioship with this girl. We fought all the time now over stupid things and I slowly started to realize that maybe I felt more for this girl than I originally planned. But as we all know, denial was my first and only friend in this situation and I clung fast to it, hoping it would keep me afloat in a sea of sin.. The turning point in my mind was when I saw the two on a date. They were acting all lovey-dovey, holding hands and kissing, like a normal couple and I knew in my head that a normal friend wouldn't think much of it but still.. it broke my heart. It took everything in me to just walk away and not tell that young man what for. So instead I went home, showered, cried, did my homework, and thought, "Why am I so sad? I should be ecstatic for her! Could it be that I'm jealous? Of who though? Her having a boyfriend? Or him... having her?" LIIIGHTBUUULB!
In that moment, I realized all that I had been trying to hide from myself. It kind of sucked.
Another thing worth mentioning, I live in the bible belt. I'm literally living in a church on every corner, revival-having, gun-loving, bible belt town and I had just realized I'm a lesbian. Yeah I was a little upset. I mean, my whole existance had been church, Jesus, bible-study, Jesus, church and repeat. Now I'm diggin' this chick and I'm already a chick but it must be my fault (right?) because gay people aren't born gay. They choose to be gay and that's why they're evil (RIGHT?). Or so I had thought. So I went around, choosing not to be gay and got really, really depressed because no matter how hard I tried, I could not stop liking this girl!!
Depression aside, I tried to act as normal as possible and even dated a couple of guys (No, literally, two. I dated two guys.) Those relationships didn't work and of course she found out (Okay, not really "found out", I just told her one night. Teehee...). I avoided her for the better part of a week and she finally confronted/cornered me and asked, "Why did you have to ruin our friendship like that?!" My bad...?
She tried to "fix me" for a few weeks but later came to the conclusion that I was going to have to tell all of our closest friends or she was going to tell her father(preacher at local church) and mother(hated me already) so they could tell my parents. So I went ahead and told my friends and all but one decided that I wasn't cool and Carrie was the victim in this situation.. (The one that stayed is still my friend to this day and has continued to be my support system. Best straight-ally ever.)
Entering high school was the worst. Not only did my mother work there, I had only one close friend, had re-entered the closet after my one weekend of being out and to top it all off, everybody was a homophobe! Now I'm a junior, still in the closet, but I've made a few good friends since then. After losing all my friends the first time, I think the only way I would come out now is if I could know for certain that I wouldn't lose anybody close to me when the smoke is cleared. I've fallen for a few girls here and there but I've never had the courage to do anything about it so unfortunately the girls eventually drift out of my life.
Now I'm all hesitant and scared of what everybody will think of me and it sucks! I don't believe this is any kind of way to live. If you remember anything from this story, remember this: staying in the closet will never make you happy! As a closeted person, I can never truly be myself and I feel like I'm the biggest liar the world has ever seen because of it. But it is my choice I suppose and maybe one day I'll work up the courage to face the world and say "Yes, I am a woman, I like women, and I am proud!"
But until that day, ladies, I'll be livin' the dream... in closet-land.. Peace!
ageyutsa 18-21, F 11 Responses 10 Sep 26, 2011