I'm Stuck In Closet-land..

I'll start at the beginning..

I was a late bloomer in the love department. As a kid, I was always fine with just having fun whereas the other girls were more concerned with who liked who and which boys were the cutest. As much as I tried, I could not get into these conversations and eventually I realized I couldn't care less and gave up without even stopping to think of why I couldn't care. Until I met this one girl... She was a classic beauty (to my middle-schooler mind) and for some reason I wanted to be closer to her. Never in my life had I felt this way about another human being and it was awesome. We became fast friends and soon started to call each other twin because "we had so much in common". I was very clueless. It may have taken me years to realize my feelings if she hadn't started dating.

He was tall and handsome, older than her, of course, and a genuinely good guy but I hated his guts. No one, not even me at the time, knew why. But eventually, it took a toll on my relatioship with this girl. We fought all the time now over stupid things and I slowly started to realize that maybe I felt more for this girl than I originally planned. But as we all know, denial was my first and only friend in this situation and I clung fast to it, hoping it would keep me afloat in a sea of sin.. The turning point in my mind was when I saw the two on a date. They were acting all lovey-dovey, holding hands and kissing, like a normal couple and I knew in my head that a normal friend wouldn't think much of it but still.. it broke my heart. It took everything in me to just walk away and not tell that young man what for. So instead I went home, showered, cried, did my homework, and thought, "Why am I so sad? I should be ecstatic for her! Could it be that I'm jealous? Of who though? Her having a boyfriend? Or him... having her?" LIIIGHTBUUULB!

In that moment, I realized all that I had been trying to hide from myself. It kind of sucked.

Another thing worth mentioning, I live in the bible belt. I'm literally living in a church on every corner, revival-having, gun-loving, bible belt town and I had just realized I'm a lesbian. Yeah I was a little upset. I mean, my whole existance had been church, Jesus, bible-study, Jesus, church and repeat. Now I'm diggin' this chick and I'm already a chick but it must be my fault (right?) because gay people aren't born gay. They choose to be gay and that's why they're evil (RIGHT?). Or so I had thought. So I went around, choosing not to be gay and got really, really depressed because no matter how hard I tried, I could not stop liking this girl!!

Depression aside, I tried to act as normal as possible and even dated a couple of guys (No, literally, two. I dated two guys.) Those relationships didn't work and of course she found out (Okay, not really "found out", I just told her one night. Teehee...). I avoided her for the better part of a week and she finally confronted/cornered me and asked, "Why did you have to ruin our friendship like that?!" My bad...?

She tried to "fix me" for a few weeks but later came to the conclusion that I was going to have to tell all of our closest friends or she was going to tell her father(preacher at local church) and mother(hated me already) so they could tell my parents. So I went ahead and told my friends and all but one decided that I wasn't cool and Carrie was the victim in this situation.. (The one that stayed is still my friend to this day and has continued to be my support system. Best straight-ally ever.)

Entering high school was the worst. Not only did my mother work there, I had only one close friend, had re-entered the closet after my one weekend of being out and to top it all off, everybody was a homophobe! Now I'm a junior, still in the closet, but I've made a few good friends since then. After losing all my friends the first time, I think the only way I would come out now is if I could know for certain that I wouldn't lose anybody close to me when the smoke is cleared. I've fallen for a few girls here and there but I've never had the courage to do anything about it so unfortunately the girls eventually drift out of my life.

Now I'm all hesitant and scared of what everybody will think of me and it sucks! I don't believe this is any kind of way to live. If you remember anything from this story, remember this: staying in the closet will never make you happy! As a closeted person, I can never truly be myself and I feel like I'm the biggest liar the world has ever seen because of it. But it is my choice I suppose and maybe one day I'll work up the courage to face the world and say "Yes, I am a woman, I like women, and I am proud!"
But until that day, ladies, I'll be livin' the dream... in closet-land.. Peace!

ageyutsa ageyutsa
18-21, F
10 Responses Sep 26, 2011

You have to be true to your self. Religion is garbage . You do not choose to be gay you are born that way why would you choose to be some one who is looked down on. Be strong and true to your self

Had to add maybe some of your new friends are in the same closet and are scared to come out . They might have heard rumors of you.

Im a femme/girly girl so I would like to find a femme/girly girl who likes me exactly for who I am. I look forward to hearing from you!


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I don't live in a religious area and nobody knows I'm gay, but I definitely relate to the way you are feeling. I recently realized I was gay, and I'm 22 right now. I always feel like I'm lying to people because I am hiding part of myself. And I have no courage to come out. I'm in closet-land with you right now.

Before I joined EP I felt so alone and scared but, looking at all these comments, I realize I'm not alone in this and that people have gone through the same exact thing I am. Thank you so much to all of you that commented! Just knowing that not everyone believes that I am an abomination really helps a lot.

I triedddddddd SO BAD to be straight.<br />
<br />
Didn't work out at ALL. man - story of my life.

thebigmyth, as usual, is absolutely correct. I came upon the same realization myself last year and I can relate to everything you said. Luckily, I have found the most amazing girl in the entire world, but we're on two seperate continents. I commend you for handling it as you are, and I believe you shouldn't come out with it all until you've graduated and able to support yourself. Whether your parents support you or not, they will always love you. Just be careful who you trust. It can be hard too, once you're older and your friends are married and whatnot. You may be able to tell one, but not their spouse. You may still feel guilty for that, but you just have to ask yourself whether you want them to have to make that choice; Remain your friend or leave you. You'll know which ones you can tell, but you will be surprised! Some that you doubt will turn out to be the most supportive :) Just stay positive and be proud of yourself. And trust me, once you find that special girl who returns your love, it is absolutely magical. You'll discover that the love that they talk about in movies, songs, poetry....that otherworldly, breathtaking experience....it really does exist :) Good luck!

I could not.. 'agree' more even though there's nothing really to agree on. Then I wanted to say 'amen' because you just.. made a whole lot of sense but then saying 'amen' would be.. ironic seeing as how you're partially/sort of/was/were/am/are/not anymore *shrugs* religious. <br />
<br />
So I'm just going to say..<br />
<br />
I don't know.<br />
I'm just going to 'favorite' this story.

God that sucks. You know what? There may come a day when someone might breakdown and say they have a gay crush on you then you won't have to hide. Meantime do what you need to do but you might want to consider getting out of Churchville when you graduate. Orlando Fl maybe which is like LGBT central I know I live there. There's even a gay church down the street with an openly lesbian pastor. It's half gay and half straight but there's a real acceptance amongst it's congreation. <br />
<br />
Hang In There; S.W.

hey dont be upset what others do ,just tell her ur feelings and pursue them