Twisted Love Triangles.
I hesitated before writing this. Why? Am I ashamed? Maybe. I'm embarrassed that writing this is like coming out of denial. The denial that I've been in for about three years now. That I am........... Bisexual.
When I was in class 12 I was in a relationship with a good friend, while I was in love with another good friend. We made out a few times but there was an emotional connection. But all along I knew that I wasn't in LOVE with her and that all I was doing was experimenting and I knew inside that I was with her only cause I couldn't be with the other girl. I broke up with her after I realised that it wasn't really making either of us happy, and ended up losing a best friend. Two actually, because the other one got to know as well.
Now, I'm in college in a city far away. Ran away from who I used to be, you can say.
From the beginning of college, I was always attracted to this one girl. Over a year she and I became really close. Made out once or twice while we were drunk. She knew I liked her. A few months later we started making out... and more... regularly. It's been about two months since. She's in love thought, with her long distance boyfriend. It's very messed up. I know I'm in love with her. She knows it too. She says she cannot see a future with me because I know myself that this is temporary. And I sort of know it too........ And the worst part is, I also made out with another good friend, a few times, this friend who's in love with me.
Please don't get me wrong. I feel really close to all the girls and I am physical with. I do. And I don't want to hurt anybody and I don't want to feel hurt. But I do and I do. It's not like I'm being a ****. I really mean my love. But it's a little..............messed up. I don't know what to do.
I feel horrible. Completely horrible.
When it happened once in school it was horrible enough. And now again. I'm starting to feel like this is not just a phase. Maybe I'm a lesbian?
I've been with two boys, in my life. And I feel like I like girls only because they make me feel emotionally complete and because I haven't been able to find the 'right guy'...
And I like to 'go with the flow'.. and that way I end up having no rules. And I hurt people. And I lose friends. And all the girls that I've been with, they've been straight except for with me. I don't understand.