Living Out Loud...from The Closet

I am in a same sex marriage. I have a beautiful wife and we are raising her two children from a previous marriage. We live in the middle of religious suburbia hell. And yet somehow we fell madly in love. And have to hide everything, including from her children. I am the best friend she ever had. No one in our community has a clue we are together. She is from a super religious family, where it is better to be dead than gay. We couldn't help it. Neither one of us knew we could be with the same sex. I had been with men all my life and she had been married. It's crazy. But we met, we knew each other, we were friends and then we realized we wanted so much more. She had been in a highly abusive and toxic marriage. And one night the world was crashing down on her, and all it took was one touch. One touch and I knew we were in love- the real kind of soul shattering love.

And have never looked back. We even secretly got married. And we live this secret life. But **** man, it's hard. We can't ever be free in public, most of the time we can't even be free at home unless no one is home or it's late at night. Everything is secret.

But in the end, I wouldn't change any of it because I am with the love of my life. And I love her more than everything in this world and she me. We will move one day and be out of this hell.

I have realized it's not a choice who you love. Neither one of us, in are wildest dreams or even our darkest nightmares would CHOOSE this life. There simply was no choice. Our hearts our full, our souls complete with each other. Which left us no choice but to be together. And hope that one day we can be more free. More accepted. And live a life that makes us happy and screw the rest of the damn world.

For now, from the closet we will stay, but living a life more rich and full of love than any couple, straight or not, could ever imagine. And I feel sorry for the haters who don't know that this kind of love can exist, no matter what relationship you are in.

I started a blog to at least get some of my frustrations out. It's anonymous so I don't have to worry that we'll be outed and our life even harder. And so we wait. We love and we wait, but live a good life for each other. For now that is enough.

My love and support to everyone else who has to stay shoved in the closet. It's not an easy life. And screw those that say it's a choice. No, the only choice they have left us is to hide who we really are. That's the choice in all of this.

AC
www.finallylivingoutloud.blogspot.com
ecanamcara ecanamcara
31-35, F
3 Responses May 9, 2012

Confused- I can understand that kind of love. My wife was in an abusive marriage so at least the part to end her marriage was an easy one. Never met someone so evil in my life. But now we are so hidden and people comment on her happiness and don't know why. We have to hide every aspect of our life. It takes a toll. Wish it could be easier. <br />
But I love her and there was no other choice but to be together come hell or high water. <br />
I'm glad you two have each other, in whatever way is possible!<br />
<br />
Redchic- boy do we know that feeling. We live in religious suburbia hell. Literally. She is of an intense religion that would rather you be dead than gay. I'm catholic as well. And all I have to say is, marrying my wife was one of the most spiritual experiences of my life, current religious thoughts on being gay be damned. Your right. Who would choose this? So we can be persecuted for the rest of our lives? I don't think so. Love is not a choice like that!!!

we can enjoy life the way we want it not the way of other people want's it for us,<br />
right now am also living a lie' I am 32 married w/o kids ....I just recently open up to my parents about my sexuality and they have no problem about it' they accepted it, and when I opened it to my husband he does accept it with one condition, that he want's me to shared or to be exact let hem see while am having sex with another women- my answer is.... there is no way even in hell he's going to watch me having sex with another female...., and am sure this living a lie of me is not going to last long..., I still care & still love my husband but it's not a soul mate kind of love anymore'' so now am living a lie because I have a lover she's 5 years older than me, and whats bad about it is she's also married w/kids - but both of us knows our boundaries- so we never cross lines- we're free to love and like each other but with boundaries and i don't have problem with that...... I might fall in love deeply to her but I will never wish nor steal her from her heterosexual relationship .. I will be with her as long as she want's me even if am only in a shadow.... if i can make her happy that is good enough for me... I will never ever ruin her life for my selfish satisfaction, I wouldn't what that for some one I love and care deeply... I want her to be happy with or without me..., thats the kind of love I have for her.... and if ever I get single I know I would seek for companionship , someone to be there when I go home from work someone to sleep with me in the same bed....good things...... she also wish that for me..... she know about my marriage relationship that it's not going to last long...... and she knows also that us being a lovers that someday it wont be enough for me just having her as a part time.., so our lovers relationship are very open for us to do what we want in the future... and she'll be there with me if i need her'' same as I'll be there with her if she needs me...... and for now am happy.....see.. we can be happy in our own way'' not by what others tells you to be......

being who and what i am is never a choice..living in a closet was never a choice..being unhappy and secretly in-love with my best friend, whos so pretty that she never ran out out of guys asking her out was never my choice and worst of all, being a filipino catholic lesbian living in this homophobic country was never my choice..so in all i could say that my life if so full of sh*t but i still am grateful for it..