I Am a Closet Lesbian
I like girls.
It seems so simple…so easy.
I like girls.
It seems ridiculous to think that such a small statement brings about such fear in me.
Sometimes I try say the words aloud. And they feel good to me…they feel right. But then I see the faces. Some are masks of shock…some are pure, undiluted disgust and disappointment. It’s the latter that I fear the most. Shock I understand. Shock would be expected. I’d welcome shock with open arms. But the knowledge that some of the people who I am closest to could never accept me for who I am, proves too much for me to take.
I know my mum and step-dad would be okay in the end. I mean, yeah, there would be the whole “It’s a phase” spiel at first but they would always stand by me. Most of my friends, although probably slightly weirded out, would come around to the idea. But both my grans, my grandad and my dad are different stories altogether. My grandparents on my dad’s side are extremely religious and as a result of that he shares a lot of their beliefs. On many occasions I’ve had the pleasure of sitting listening to them discuss how wrong gay marriage is and listened to the little digs at gay people on tv, all the while holding back the urge to both scream at them and cry myself into a hysterical mess. But I still love them. Even though I am more than aware that they totally disagree with the way I think and feel, they are still my family and I love them. And it’s that very reason that keeps me firmly in the closet. I don’t want to lose them and if that means completely denying who I am…well, I guess I’ll have to live with it a bit longer. So, yes, I am officially the biggest coward ever.
I like girls.
It seems so simple…so easy.
But to me it is the hardest thing in the world.
It seems so simple…so easy.
I like girls.
It seems ridiculous to think that such a small statement brings about such fear in me.
Sometimes I try say the words aloud. And they feel good to me…they feel right. But then I see the faces. Some are masks of shock…some are pure, undiluted disgust and disappointment. It’s the latter that I fear the most. Shock I understand. Shock would be expected. I’d welcome shock with open arms. But the knowledge that some of the people who I am closest to could never accept me for who I am, proves too much for me to take.
I know my mum and step-dad would be okay in the end. I mean, yeah, there would be the whole “It’s a phase” spiel at first but they would always stand by me. Most of my friends, although probably slightly weirded out, would come around to the idea. But both my grans, my grandad and my dad are different stories altogether. My grandparents on my dad’s side are extremely religious and as a result of that he shares a lot of their beliefs. On many occasions I’ve had the pleasure of sitting listening to them discuss how wrong gay marriage is and listened to the little digs at gay people on tv, all the while holding back the urge to both scream at them and cry myself into a hysterical mess. But I still love them. Even though I am more than aware that they totally disagree with the way I think and feel, they are still my family and I love them. And it’s that very reason that keeps me firmly in the closet. I don’t want to lose them and if that means completely denying who I am…well, I guess I’ll have to live with it a bit longer. So, yes, I am officially the biggest coward ever.
I like girls.
It seems so simple…so easy.
But to me it is the hardest thing in the world.
Age:
16-17
,
Female
3
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