I’m Tired And I’m Coming Out!I have been a resident of the closet for a long time. I’m 22! So I have been hiding here for so many years. I used to consider it my comfort zone. A place where I can safely hide my ego from being hurt by homophobes who can’t understand.
I am a lesbian. And a few months ago, I can’t even say the word LESBIAN.. I’ve known I was a lesbian since I was a little girl. Aside from liking boy stuffs all the time, I knew I was one since I had a big crush on our next door playmate.. Yes, she was a girl.. I know your thinking, I’m a kid, what do I know? Well, that didn’t stop there. When my family watches movie nights together, I always find myself attracted to the leading ladies! I knew I was different. I knew my feelings aren’t normal. Or what they “consider” normal.
I grew up in a place where people aren’t open to these kinds of stuffs. I was stuck in a Catholic school for 13 years. I have a God fearing family. Plus, I have an elder sister who’s like the QUEEN of all homophobes! LMAO! Yes she is.. Anyway, I grew up liking girls, it’s like I considered that to be normal. And when I was in the 3rd grade? I was sure that I’m not going to marry a man! Haha Not to brag or anything, I had a lot of suitors, but I didn’t find anyone attractive there! No, they’re not ugly, I guess, I prefer girls? Haha So I didn’t pay attention to any of them.. I was young.. and it wouldn’t matter if I had a boyfriend or not.. My friends would call me “manhid” or “numb” or “insensitive” or “a rock” because they think I have no feelings! And they think that I‘m senior in high school and there isn’t a single time where I actually told them who my crush was or what type of guy I am into. So then, I would make stuff up just to shut them up..
There came a time when I wanted to tell someone or anyone about it.. But my mind just tells me NO NO NO! And all crazy stuffs just enter my mind like, you can’t risk exposing yourself as a lesbian. They’ll make fun of you. Your friends will leave you. They will not understand. They’ll think you’re a freak. They’ll treat you differently. And you’re going to hell! So better shut up and just live a normal life just like the others. So there, I was hiding all the time.. Scared of being ridiculed.
When I reached college, I met this girl.. And yeah we ended up in a secret relationship.. but im not going to tell it here. Haha Maybe next time? So after 2 years, we went separate ways. She’s the only person who knows I’m a lesbian at that time. So there I was single. I was 20! And people were starting to think I’m 20 and I never had a boyfriend. So I decided to be in a relationship with a guy who’s like been courting me for 6 years. He was a gentle man, he was good looking, he was sweet, what every normal girl would consider as a perfect boyfriend. But eventually after a few months. 6 months to be exact, I broke it off.
Months passed and I said to myself, what am I doing? I am not happy! I can’t hide for the rest of my life. I am so sick of pretending..I am tired of being a coward..I am tired of wearing a mask just to fit in.. I am so tired of it! Yeah, 6 months ago, I was depressed being a lesbian. 6 months ago, I hated myself for being one. And yeah, 6 months ago I was in total denial! But not anymore. For once in my life, I WANT TO BE BRAVE AND STAND UP FOR MY HAPPINESS. I can’t be happy to be someone I’m not. I can’t continue to live a lie. I can’t go on doing crazy things just to please everyone.
I stopped caring about what people WILL think after I accepted myself being a lesbian. And I know the only thing that matters is that you know who you are and you are happy with it. I want to be free. And I won’t care anymore if people around me accept me or not. If they do, then thank you. If they don’t, then it’s better for you to get out of my life. After all I’m capable of surviving on my own now. So yeah! I’m going after my happiness. I know it just lies outside these closet doors. So, hey world! I am coming out!
deleted 26-30 32 Responses 43 Aug 26, 2012