It is so strange to have led a hidden life for so many years and then one day decide to come Out and then find that you have just exchanged one closet for another. I could never express my true self. I kept it hidden. I could not face any more pain, any more depression, any more suicidal thoughts. I could not face any more wasted time in psychiatric wards. Then one day I saw a video clip on Youtube and there was someone who had done what I could never have imagined doing. I contacted her and we shared our experiences through e-mails. Suddenly, I knew that I could make that deyuhswcision and take that step. A small step - a word to my doctor. Then, as one step leads to another, so my medical records were changed, my name was changed, bank, driving licence and all the other things which had to be changed were dealt with. My wardrobe was changed, of course.Within days really, I was living 24/7 as Me for the first time in my life.
Suddenly clothes became very important. I could not possibly be seen in the same outfit every day. Suddenly weight and diet became important, really important, so within weeks some of my clothes were too big. I had dropped 3 dress sizes and needed more clothes. A visit to the Beauty Salon before an important interview became standard practice. As each day passed my confidence in Me became stronger. I found my opinions and attitudes changing which came as an unexpected surprise. I found a joy and a happiness which I had never dreamt possible.
So there I was out of the closet. To all intents and purposes through medication I had changed into a woman. But then the other closet door opened when I realised that I only wanted other women. I was a lesbian. I'd left one hell to climb into another.
However, this new hell is much much nicer and much friendlier. Women have been so very supportive in my transitioning and I have formed such close relationships. I suppose it is only time before I escape from the lesbian closet and shout out to the world. I am Woman. am Lesbian. That day will come.
Fliss2 Fliss2
66-70, F
Sep 13, 2012