Settling In To Wait

Um, hi.

I'm pretty new to this site and to the realization of my sexuality, but I'd like to get this story off my chest, and after reading some of the stories here, this seems to be the right place for me.

I'm 24, and I just realized that I'm gay a couple of months ago--a bit slow, I know. In my defense, I'm smack in the middle of the Bible Belt and from a highly conservative and religious family, though I myself am not religious--another of my closets.

I was always a bit different. For one, I was a huge tomboy--still am in a lot of ways--but I didn't hang out with the boys. My friends have always been mostly female. Looking back now, I've realized that I had a crush on more than a few of those I "admired."

Things started changing when I got to college. Being the introverted, homebody, awkward, bookworm, I was pretty sheltered and naive. One of the first friends I made was a very open (exhibitionist) bisexual girl, and thanks to her, I discovered that I was interested in girls. So I became, or considered myself, bisexual--though a closeted one.

Fast forward to about 2 months ago. I was (am) just finishing my Masters and so was frantically trying to finish my thesis and study for exams. One day I was sitting on my couch, completely fried, and just letting my mind wander. The thought "I'm a lesbian" popped into my head, and it felt like everything clicked into place: why I was never into guys or girl talk about guys, why I always felt like I was a bit different, why the relationships with either of my 2 boyfriends went anywhere, why I was always more interested in the female characters in books and movies, etc. Suddenly I made sense.

Being the nerd I am, I instantly wanted to figure this out--what it meant, where I went from there. I still don't really know. I want very much to connect with others in similar situations, to have people I can talk to about this as I try to work through what it means for me. I know that being gay is only one part of me, but it's a part that's going to affect the rest of my life and certainly how others will perceive me.

So that's why I'm here. I haven't been in the closet long (I can't imagine how hard it is for those who have been dealing with it for years), but I have good reason to stay there, like everyone else here. I do want to come out one day, but not until I have a good reason to, specifically a relationship.  

I've been pretty much alone for most of my life. I'm the friend on the periphery--the one that's cool to hang out with at school or work, but not someone people think of for social events. I want one person in my life for whom I am not an after thought, someone who looks forward to seeing and talking to me each day. A person I can be totally comfortable with and share in all life has to offer.

I don't say that to garner sympathy, and I certainly don't know if she's on this site, but I really think group like this is an invaluable. It's a place for those of us that cannot fully be ourselves in our own lives, for whatever reason, to be authentic. So, if anyone is looking for a sarcastic, nerdy, and highly loyal friend, feel free to add me.
Kari353 Kari353
22-25, F
5 Responses Dec 6, 2012

You sound a lot like me! I am currently in a similar place in life, and I recently discovered that I was a lesbian within the past six months, despite years of denying the VERY obvious. I'm also from the bible belt/bible toting type of family you describe, and I personally care very little for religious views of sexuality.

I think we have quite a bit in common and I would love to talk to someone who's on the same page as me! Please feel free to message me if you'd like! People like us to need support and to know that others do understand!

I can relate to a lot of how you are feeling. I'm 22 and just realized it about a year ago. It was weird and things just clicked one day. And I am very much a loner homebody. Not out to anyone yet, but it is hard to stay in the closet. I feel that I won't find anyone if I stay in here. Anyway, I'll add you. Feel free to message me.

hi I am Yulia I am younger than you but share experience I would love to message chat see if we help other xx

Feel free to talk to me:)

Hi Kari,

I am 31 and it was at 28, married and with a child when I accepted myself. You are so brave and you should be so very proud of yourself. You are young and beautiful! At 24 everybody is young and beautiful and not necessary under the magazine cover standards.

You are lucky you are here,now and you have accepted yourself. Go out an experience the girl/girl world and have fun, whatever your fun is. You already did the hardest part...finding yourself.