Still Married And A Closet.

I am 31 years old, born and raised in a small town in Mexico. I met her at 17, one kiss was all it took, I knew that was me.
I broke her heart, I told her it meant nothing, that I had a boyfriend and to get out of my life. She did. I never saw her again and I always wondered..."what if"
I never tried anything with any other woman I couldnt! I could not be gay.

From 18 on I was unhappy, depressed and didnt know why. I had friends, a boyfriend, I was young, but there was something...I couldnt put my finger on it...but I hated life. I thought if I got married...if I had a kid, if I bought a house, if I went back to school...nothing. I was empty inside, needing something, always something.

I have never been, sexual? With men I never felt...anything, anywhere. My husband and I went to the doctor, to counseling, nothing helped.
One day, on FB, I found her again...we met and everything I had never felt, I did that day. My body and my mind were in shock! Bliss? I dont know...I was finally happy,complete. All those years it wasnt my hormones it was that i dont like boys!

Im still a man.

Her and I broke it off, my husband kind of made everything impossible. I am such a coward, not even my love for her gave me courage to leave this damn closet. Now...I've just accepted this is the life I have to live. I still hate it and most of all, I hate myself for being so afraid.

turquoisehell turquoisehell
31-35, F
3 Responses Dec 7, 2012

ur stuck in a meaningless marraige out of fear. get out of it and be with the woman you love.

Sorry to butt in like this, being a man, but your story seems to resonate in so many ways with me. I should say that I'm bi, and I've been in awkward situations because of it too. I lost a bi girlfriend once, because being in the military at the time, I was too much of a coward to admit that I had slept with boys before. But I know, if I ever saw her again, and I would probably feel about her the way you describe your feelings, then I would definitely go for it. I split up after 14 years, because I felt like my life wasn't going anywhere. I asked myself, if I wanted to go on like this for the rest of my life, and the answer was easy after that. Well, I haven't found a long lost boy- or girlfriend who to fall in love with all over again, but I had a long distance relationship with a girl in Guadalajara until a couple of months ago. It motivated me to fly to Mexico 18 times in little over a year, and while it lasted it was absolutely wonderful. Don't feel afraid of change, sweety. Following your heart doesn't mean that you need to become completely stupid. Make sure you end your relationship to your husband in a safe and sane way. I wish you all the best. Vaia con dios (not religious, but I sorta like the sound of it). long lost love was from Guadalajara. We'd see each other every 2 months. We'd take turns...:(

Thank you so much for your words.

I was so sad and frustrated in a similar situation for 7 years. I finally left him and though life is not all easy or perfect now at least I can be my authentic self and learn and grow in the ways meant for me.

You are brave!!! Are you content with your choice?

Yes I am content with my choice. I have tried online dating and dated 3 women over the past two years. None was "the one" for me, but at least I am trying and learning from these relationships. I am scared at times being on my own, but I know it is better than suffering in a bad relationship for a false sense of security.

"False sense of security" wow...never thought of it that way. Its a false sense of happiness as well. On the outside, :) but dying. Inside.

The unhappiness inside was of course because I always knew I was missing authenticity and love. But there was also guilt I felt I was doing something wrong out of weakness. Even when my ex knew my feelings he wanted to insist on staying together. I had mistakenly mislead us both and was holding him in an unhealthy space for himself. By staying I was enabling his continued struggle with accepting life needed to change for both of us. When I finally left, gradually he accepted that and became a happier person. I was relieved of much guilt I had been struggling with.

I too have told my husband my true feelings. He thinks is a phase. I had a "relationship" with a woman for three years and he knew about it. He always thought I'd get it out of my system and move on. I kept telling him I loved her and just wanted to be with her. He'd get angry...but he'd say we have to stay together. We have been to counseling...I left her...I've tried to get this out of me but I cant :( I just dont know what to do.

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